#Microblog Mondays: I Am a Puddle

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too. 

                **************

I’ve always been a pretty unemotional person. Not that I don’t feel them, but I don’t show them. Ok, and I didn’t always feel them as strongly as others may have. My heart of stone has served me well at protecting myself in some occasions. Infertility really got to me, but you would never know it because I kept it in (or spilled it all over my blog).

Since my daughter was born, it seems that the stony exterior that protected my heart has crumbled. Initially, I could have blamed it on the postpartum hormones, but I think I have to admit it’s more than that. I have a little person that belongs to me, and I to her. 

I think through the course of dealing with infertility I closed myself up more, because it was easier than dealing with my emotions. Well the floodgates have opened. Just the other day, there was a commercial on for a sick kids foundation and I could not handle it. I cried, a lot, at a commercial. Like, not just welling up, “oh that’s sad”. Like big fat tears rolled down my cheeks, I started sniffling and when my husband looked over at me I sobbed; “it’s just so sad!”. I couldn’t imagine our little daughter in a situation like the one depicted in the commercial. I feel all the feels now. And it turns me into a weepy puddle. My baby girl has thawed this ice queen. And now for your viewing pleasure, The Commercial. 

Don’t watch it if you don’t want to cry. You’ve been warned

#Microblog Mondays: My Love-Hate Relationship with Google

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too. 

                **************

While attempting to get pregnant, undergoing fertility treatments, through pregnancy, and now with a new baby, Google has always been my trusty sidekick. My search history of the past several years in the quest for baby has been…well interesting; varied and bordering on crazy sometimes. I’ve spent hours poring over message boards, blogs, and medical websites. 

When I am dealing with something that is out of my control I google the crap out of it. To me information is power. A psychologist I saw during my IF treatments told me there are two kinds of people in medical situations; those that want every peice of information and those that want to know the bare minimum. I am the former, my husband is the latter. Perhaps because I am a very analytical person, I need to have all the details, I want to know and understand. I look for answers and things that I can do to help whatever situation I’m in. I don’t like being a passive participant in anything. 

With a new baby come lots of questions, so I am constantly googling; breast feeding, sleep schedules, green poop (that’s what we’re dealing with today…). It drives my husband a bit nuts because sometimes I get so much information that I get upset or conflicted, but I feel like I need it so I can sort through everything myself and come to my own conclusions.

Is Google your friend or foe? Are you an information seeker, or more of a head-in-the-sand kind of person?

#Microblog Mondays: Holiday Traditions

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.                                      **************

For most struggling with infertility the holidays are a prickly time of year. I know I had a difficult time with Christmases past, so I am really excited for this year, as I will get to share it with my daughter. I was searching for special traditions and ideas for a baby’s first Christmas when I came across a few different articles which took me back to my infertile roots. 

One article began with the following tag line;

The holidays don’t really feel like the holidays until you’ve welcomed a new baby to the family.

Nice, because you don’t matter during the holidays unless you have a baby.

Another peice had an idea for a yearly family photo with your child to chart time, and added “Hey, maybe next year you’ll have a bump”. Blech, how obnoxious. 

Last year we found out we were pregnant, 5 days before Christmas, and this year we have our baby to celebrate with but I certainly haven’t forgotten the pain the holidays used to bring. I am so thrilled I get to start traditions with my baby girl this year but I’ll still roll my eyes at the overtly family-centric sentiment the holidays bring out. 

#Microblog Mondays: Muscle Memory

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.                 
                   **************

Right around the time we were referred to our fertility clinic I took up yoga. I wanted to be able to do something productive with my body, relieve stress, and take up some sort of hobby. I’m not a very athletic person, so yoga seemed a good fit, something gentle and slow. I went every Sunday up until June of last year, right before we started our IVF cycle. It would have been the best time to keep going but with the busyness of the summer and the physical limits during the stimming process, it just fell by the wayside. 

Yesterday I went back for the first time. It was also the longest I’ve been away from baby C and the first time she had to take a bottle of breast milk. It was strange being back in the class, there were a few familiar faces, including the instructor. The class began, and the poses were familiar, my body knew what to do. Yet it did feel different, the strength and flexibility I once had is hidden from lack of use. Plus my body has been through enormous changes, and won’t truly ever be the way it was.

Sort of like my mind, my sense of self has been changed permanently. Being in that class again took me back, made me reflect on who and where I was the last time I was there. I had already been through a lot but the next part of our journey was to be the most gruelling. So although I am starting to heal, and I’m not currently battling with my infertility, there are parts of me forever changed. No matter how hard I try or how much I work, I can’t make myself fit into the person I once was (or my yoga pants…yet).

#Microblog Mondays: The Green Eyed Monster Lives On

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.                 

                **************

While struggling to conceive and all throughout our fertility treatments those who became pregnant, made pregnancy announcements, had baby photos, mentioned anything to do with babies, starting a family, ect. received thoughts of jealousy and depending on the person, sheer annoyance. I know this is not unique to me. The interesting thing is now that I have a baby of my own, I still have these feelings. 

While in the hospital just after having baby C, a friend of a friend posted a pregnancy announcement for her third child on Face.book. Something about adding more laundry to their family with a little onsie hanging on a clothesline. It was cute, but I immediately rolled my eyes and scrolled past; while in the hospital with a baby if my own, I still viewed it with disdain. Maybe because the cutesy Face.book announcement isn’t my style, or that I’m not personally friends with her, maybe that would change my feelings, but only to a point. 

A couple of weeks after baby C was born, my mom told me my cousin was pregnant. I’m not surprised as she’s been married for a couple if years, and they are my age. In society’s eyes, the perfect time to start a family. I am happy for her, she is a family member I have always got on well with, and we grew up close being that we are only 3 months apart in age. But it still stings. And I think it always will. Despite the fact that I got my wish, it was certainly not without pain and struggle. And that doesn’t go away easily. 

#Microblog Mondays: Our Little Beauty

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

                      *******

It’s a perfect day for a micro blog because I have so much to say, but between jaundice issues, breast feeding issues and just generally taking care of an infant, I’ll keep it short and sweet and leave you with our little darling who joined our family (on the outside) Aug. 26 at 6:15pm, weighing in at 7lbs 9oz. We are smitten. And tired. And learning on the fly. But so in love.

 Photo removed for anonymity

#Microblog Mondays: Don’t Poke the Bear

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

*******

Though I haven’t noticed many huge mood swings throughout my pregnancy (no happy to sad in 30 seconds kind of thing), it has definitely affected my tolerance for annoyances. I find I get irritable extremely easily, and have a hard time controlling my reaction to said annoyances. It’s mainly at work, people just really push my buttons (co-workers more so than clients). I am by far the youngest person in my department so I’ve sort of become the in house tech support by virtue of knowing computer basics. It drives me bat shit crazy, helping others with technology is one of the frustrating experiences ever!

Other things that drive me mental;

• The lady who insists on watching idiotic videos from Facebook, at full volume, in the lunch room, while others are trying to enjoy a peaceful break.
• People who don’t attempt to figure something out, or find the answer on their own before asking for help.
• Driving. Pregnancy hormones = road rage
• People wasting my time/taking way too long to do something that I could get done in half the time
• Line ups
• The guy sitting in the waiting area of my OB’s office typing on his phone with the keyboard clicks on full volume (you know the “tick-tick” noise an iPhone makes when you are typing). Turn that shit off mofo!

Just to name a few. I used to consider myself a person with patience, and willing to help (besides with the tech-y stuff, that has always driven me crazy but it’s at a whole other level now), so I know it’s just the pregnancy hormones. It makes me feel a bit bad, but most the time I am too annoyed to care. Luckily my hubby hasn’t receive much of my wrath, and he’s done a pretty good job of taking care of me and not ticking me off!

I’m hoping my patience returns in abundance once this child is on the outside, because I’m going to need it!

#Microblog Mondays: Means to an End

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

*******

For a little while now I have been uncertain how I feel about my career; part of it is due to insecurity and instability with my company, and part of it is that I’m not sure I’m still happy with what I do for a living. I’ve found myself increasingly dissatisfied, especially while we were struggling with infertility treatments. I kept seeing mat leave as my escape (I live in Canada where you can get up to 52 weeks paid leave), but the longer it was taking to get pregnant the longer my future with my company was. I’m fairly certain the negative pull that infertility was having on my life was affecting how I felt about work, so while I was perhaps slightly dissatisfied, the lack of control in the rest of my life heightened that feeling.

Now that I’m so close to being finished work (my last day is Aug. 14) I feel checked out, because I know my time here is limited. While mat leave is as an escape from work now, what do I do about my career afterward? I’m hoping things will have changed for J at his job and it may affect our decisions but for now I’m not sure I can see myself coming back to the same job. I need to work, we can’t afford for me to be a SAHM once my one year mat leave runs out but when I go back to work it will likely be for the long haul, so I don’t want to get stuck in something I don’t like.

I have thought about going back to school for something, but I don’t know what. Plus I did spend time and money to go to school for my current job and I don’t really want to throw that all away. My training is pretty specific to my industry, and even my particular job, so although it has many transferable skills, it would be difficult to completely change careers without further training. Said training that would take time and cost money. I’ve considered that I could do distance learning while on mat. leave but realistically, I don’t see that happening. My thought is to see what plays out with J’s job situation (possibly transferring locations, within our same city) and perhaps make a visit to a employment placement agency closer to when I am looking at coming back to work. I know I’m getting a bit ahead of myself but my career plans weigh on me.

What’s a girl to do in a career crisis?

#Microblog Mondays: Showered with Love

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

*******

I’ve had two showers over the past week, one put on by my coworkers and one hosted by my aunt. I survived  both, and overall they weren’t terrible (ha!). The one my work put on was a little cheesy, some of the typical games like chocolate in the diapers, but it was really nice of them and everyone is really excited for us. The one my aunt hosted was quite lovely as I may have made my preferences known early on, so I got my wish; a brunch shower with no silly games. I still don’t love opening gifts in front of everyone, as I just find it awkward and hate being the centre of attention. I may be able to avoid this at our last shower (in Aug.) as it is a coed BBQ and more of a drop in thing.

Most people obliged by our registry which I appreciated since there’s a reason I’m asking for certain things. Plus I’m sure if someone is going to make the effort to get us a gift, they want it to be something we need/want. My favourite gift, however, is not something off our registry.

My oldest friend, who I’ve known since elementary gave me something priceless;

“How wonderful life is now you’re in the World!”

A custom piece of artwork that she hand drew herself, using a quote from “Your Song” which is prominently featured in my favourite film; Moulin Rouge. And what a fitting quote it is, though our daughter only lives in the world inside of me for now, life is certainly wonderful now she’s in our world. This definitely elicited some tears from my icy heart.

*And there’s a little sneak peek of the nursery for now…

#Microblog Mondays: Control

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

*******

All throughout this journey with infertility, control was a big issue. Mainly, a lack of it. Infertility takes so many things away, and one of the main things is control. Control of your body, control of your life, control of your emotions. It’s one of the things I struggled hardest with, and rallied against as if I could wrestle some control back. In some ways you can; you control the decisions you make (the ones you are left with once the cards fall where they may), and how you handle each next step, heartbreak and unexpected turn. But overall, the whole experience feels like a giant free fall.

Once I finally fell pregnant, the control issue didn’t get a lot better. Though I am (somewhat) in control of my body, as in what I put in it, and how I treat it, I knew anything could happen and that getting pregnant didn’t immediately equal baby. I have been trying to take it day by day and week by week, and it has gotten somewhat easier as time has gone on.

We’ve reached a point where we are prepping for a real live baby to come into our lives. I just did a load of baby laundry, with scent free, gentle detergent. We have a glider, a stroller, a dresser and tons of clothes. It’s so surreal. The nursery has become a place where I focus my energy, after all the time we’ve waited, I want it to be perfect, just like the vision in my head. And that’s a hard task, especially when money has to be taken into account (whereas my dreams do not have a budget, reality does). In a way, it feels like a distraction from all of that which I don’t have control over. I can’t control much to do with our pregnancy besides treating my body right, so I focus on the physical space and exert all of my control on that.

I’ve spent hours searching for the exact right curtains, the perfect rug, the thing that will perfect the space (even if I don’t know what it is yet). I ordered a glider, only to have it come in what I thought was the wrong colour. We sent it back, and had a new one shipped out. It came in today; still the wrong colour. Apparently it is completely misrepresented on the website, and it drives me crazy! The bedding we have picked out is showing not available online or in store right now. I called 1-800-BIGBOX store to find out if it was discontinued, but they show it is just out of stock, with no idea when it would be available again. It took me forever to find something that I loved and I will be so upset if we can’t get it. It’s on our registry, so we’ve been waiting to see if someone buys it for us, but now if I see it available again, I might just buy it myself.

But overall, I have to tell myself to realize that none of it really matters. I’d like to think that I’ve learned a little something throughout this journey. I need to stop worrying about the things I can’t control, and focus on those that I can, like just loving this baby with all my heart. Because that is definitely a life lesson I’ll need to remember when dealing with this new little person coming into our lives.