#Microblog Mondays: If You Could Go Back…


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.


I try to make difficult life decisions by choosing the path of least regret. During IF treatment, what would I regret had I done, or not done? That way I can’t (hopefully) look back and say, “coulda, woulda, shoulda”. Obviously one can only make decisions based on the information they have, and sometimes it’s not all of the information, so what then?

I’ve been contacted by an up and coming fertility website to be a contributing writing, and I’m trying to tap the community to see what sort of information you wish you had during your IF struggles, or if you’re still in it, what are you looking for? What sorts of things did you find that helped you? I’m hoping to put out some original, and helpful content that maybe wasn’t there for you, or me but can be there for those who end up down this path, so my ears are open to suggestion!

#Microblog Mondays: Mystery Angel


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.


Time is flying; tomorrow I’ll have an eleven month old. We are planning her first birthday, preparing for daycare, my return to work. Life is so different, and it’s about to change again as my maternity leave ends. Some days I look forward to returning to the workforce; having some variation in my days and adult conversation. Other days I just want to stop time; how can I leave my baby girl for most of her waking hours of the day? I don’t want to be a stay at home mom, I know that, it’s not for me, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be hard to send her to daycare for five days a week. This year off has been a good taste of it, and I am so thankful that living in Canada affords me this opportunity, but I would not leave my job to stay home. Not only would I not choose it, we can’t afford for me to stay home, so it was really a non-choice. Our summer is jam-packed with activities, meet ups with friends and family events so I know it is going to be gone in the blink of an eye.

In one of our mom and baby classes we spend the last few minutes with the lights dimmed, listening to peaceful, calming music and cuddling our babes (as much as they will allow). It is one of my favorite parts of our week, yet it is bittersweet because our undivided time together will soon end, and many of our activities together will cease. So it makes me a little weepy; for this season of our lives that is almost finished, for the new seasons to come, for all that we’ve had, and done and been through together. There has been so much that has happened in the past year, I can’t possibly describe it adequately and eloquently enough, but this beautiful song from our relaxation time together makes me feel all of the things that I can’t put into words.

*Sidenote: This song reminds me of Jess over at My Path to Mommyhood and the Mystery Baby that she is waiting for, so hopefully this sends some good vibes her way!

#Microblog Mondays: Giving Back


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.                               

For the years spent going through infertility, I withdrew into myself. I constantly felt spent, an empty shell that had nothing to give as all of my energy was sapped trying to hold myself together. Then came pregnancy which was also tiring, physically and emotionally so again my focus was turned inward, to myself and my baby. Once she arrived life was a bit of a haze for the first few months.

Now I’m starting to get myself back, a different version of me, but  the pieces are coming out of the shadows and allowing my gaze to turn outward again. I spent so much time buried under infertility, unable to be there for others, that now I want to be able to give back. It’s a bit of a vague feeling because I wasn’t sure in what way, but the first form of giving came to me via Facebook. 

A friend of mine posted that she had become an ambassador for a local breast milk bank. Truth be told I didn’t even realise it was an option in my locale (and it’s actually not, my city has satellite locations for them). I messaged her for info, and am in the process of becoming a donor. They ask for a minimum commitment of 150oz and that is a pretty big ask for me as my pump output isn’t huge. But I have until baby girl’s first birthday to do it (they only accept donations until your child is one). Despite my initial difficulties with breastfeeding, it’s now second nature and I’m pleased I’ve been able to keep it up*. The milk I donate is given, by prescription, to babies who really need it, sick and/or premature. It costs me nothing but time, and can be a huge benefit to someone else. I want to do that.

I’ve also never been able to give blood, be it due to tattoos, piercings, travel or weight requirements (I’m a petite person and never met the minimum weight). Thanks to pregnancy I’ve gained the few extra pounds I needed to be eligible. I am also now 6 months postpartum and am finally an eligible blood donor. So I’m off to the blood bank next week! Again, only costs me my time (ok and blood). I’m fine with needles (good thing or IVF would have been much more difficult) but I don’t like having blood drawn, or at least seeing it leave my body. So it could be interesting, but I’m just going to try not to watch it flow out, into the bag. I’m not a fainter, it just makes me a bit squeamish, so it should be fine.

So I’m starting relatively small, and with anonymous type things, as opposed to giving or helping a specific person/people. I’m glad to be able to put some positivity out into the world, now that I am not living in the vacuum of my own life. Helping is healing. 

*I am for all forms of feeding your baby, whatever is for you. Breastfeeding is for me, and the health benefits for sick and preemie babies are there so I’m all for sharing my milk with those who need it. 

#Microblog Mondays: Next Question


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

There is a question that every infertile-turned-parent dreads; when are you having another? I haven’t exactly been outright asked (yet), but the topic has come up.

I have a weekly meetup with some moms that all met through a new moms group, and a couple weeks ago one of the moms asked if anyone was thinking of another baby. Most ladies shook their heads, as most of us have babies around six months old, it’s still a bit soon for most to be considering it. One of the moms is getting married this summer and she indicated a desire to get pregnant after the wedding. I kept mum and just shook my head, that no I would not want another anytime soon. It did come up at one point in our moms groups meetings that I conceived via IVF but I’m not sure anyone remembers.

The other day I was at my chiropractors office and there was another woman with a baby close to C’s age. We got to chatting a bit and somehow work came up, and she asked if I was going back to work after my mat. leave finished, to which I said yes. She replied with, “Oh just get enough hours in and do it all over again?” (meaning work my minimum number of hours to qualify for mat. leave again). I told her, no, that we may only have one or wait until she is closer to going to school before having another. She seemed momentarily taken aback, but did give some sort of polite, non-committal response before being rescued from our convo by the doctor.

I know these are just the first of what is sure to become a recurring conversation for the next several years until we either decide to try for another (and succeed or not…), or decide our family is complete with the three of us. I won’t even get started on the debate people get into about only children.

Just when you think your done with the “when are you going to have kids” question, it starts all over again.

#Microblog Mondays: Scattered


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I started writing this post last night before bed to be all prompt and schedule it for this morning. Well I wrote it and deleted it twice before giving up and going to bed. So here I am again, in bed, trying to finish writing it but my thoughts are buzzing, too scattered and I can’t pin any one thing at the moment. 

What to do about a crumbling relationship (not mine) in which one or both parties are seriously considering throwing in the towel? I feel powerless (because ultimately I am). 

Why is my husband so grumpy lately (it seems like more than grumpy but comes in flashes)? Work (again…or still), his continued sleeplessness (this, too, is an ongoing problem), new parental stresses? 

How can I learn to be a better partner, but also ask the same of him? 

How can my days feel so busy, yet at times boring and filled with nothingness (I feel badly that time with my daughter can be boring but entertaining an infant day in and day out is not always fun)?

The future is blurry, not unlike how it was while we were struggling with IF. I’m still adjusting to this new life, and new role. Sometimes I feel great, we have a rhythm and everything just clicks. Other times I feel foggy and uncertain, which makes actions and decisions take longer, with more difficulty. 

For now, I lay it all down. I hear a helicopter overhead, no doubt landing at the hospital mere blocks from my home. So I’ll just be thankful for my safe and healthy family today, and go to bed. 

Taking Up Space


Babies have a lot of stuff. Our house is overrun. Play mat and mamaroo in the living room, exersaucer in the kitchen (another one in the loft), an entire bathroom full of baby paraphernalia and toys abound! And the clothes, don’t even get me started on the clothes… I welcome it all, though I am a bit of a minimalist so the excess stuff bugs me a bit, but it’s all for our baby girl, so it’s ok. 

As she began growing out of things, I’ve started pulling them from drawers and putting them in boxes; either keep or donate/pass along. We have a rock n’ play that she no longer uses, sitting in our bedroom and the mamaroo is gathering dust. But what to do with all of it? We live in a condo, and space is limited. We don’t have anywhere to store all of this excess baby stuff for the next one, if there is a next one. At this point we don’t know if we want another,  and if we should be so lucky to have another we don’t know when it would be, or if we have a boy the clothes will be kept all for naught. 

The thought constantly niggles in the back of my brain. We have so much, and we are so fortunate; do we want to start all over if we have another? It wouldn’t be the end of the world but for now these are cherished items that I’m not far enough removed from to be able to let them go. And from a practicality point it would save us a lot not having to replace everything. I hate that it’s something I constantly think of. 

I suppose it’s not just an infertile problem but I feel it weighs more heavily on me because what if we decide to try for another and it doesn’t happen? When will we be ready to try again? These boxes of clothes and the yearly storage fees for our frozen embryos feel like pressure all over again. I’ve always leaned towards only having one child, or at least spacing two out by several (3-4) years (if I am so lucky to choose that route and succeed in having another) so it sucks to have this tangible reminder of the decisions to come. No matter what we choose, both paths bring difficulties. We either enter back into treatment to pursue another child and all of the emotional turmoil that brings up, or decide our family is complete the way it is and make a decision on our frost babies. So that’s really what it boils down to, not so much the space the stuff takes up in my house, but the weight it places on my heart. 

Welcoming 2016


It’s hard not to reflect on the year past at the beginning of the next. While I don’t make New Years resolutions, I usually take a backward glance before the calendar flips forward. 2015 was finally our year, despite some ups and downs, our daughter entered our lives and that was hands down the highlight of the year. Though life with a baby started out tough, I feel like I have a little more of a handle on things and my anxiety level has come down some. Not to say I know what I’m doing, but we’ve got some consistency and it makes life much more enjoyable. I’m not the most skilled with words, and I don’t wax poetic, so here is something I ripped right off of Facebook.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough, and we’ll be more content when they are.

After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink…. there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Easier for me to say now, but would have been wise words while battling with infertility. Yet it still applies, as I sometimes need to remind myself just to enjoy the now while my daughter is small. And never is that easier than when she is snuggled in my arms and I have nowhere to be but with her.


Winter Wonderland


As we lead into Christmas the busy-ness and stress is beginning to peak. Lots of little last minute things to do, baking and cooking, and preparing for lots of bouncing around for family visits before packing up and heading to the mountains for a few days with hubby’s family.

This time last year we were holding the secret of our brand new pregnancy, and this year we get to celebrate with our chubby, near four month old. Last year we got our Christmas wish in a successful FET, it was the best and only thing I really wanted and this year we get to enjoy our first Christmas as a family of three. We are truly lucky, because many with our same wish are still waiting. 

Admittedly I am feeling much more festive this year than Christmases past (even last year, as before our BFP we were in the throes of a very stressful on again off again FET cycle). I can’t wait for Christmas morning with my little family, baby snuggles with my daughter. It still seems weird to say that; my daughter. When does it get less weird? I do most of her day to day care, and spend nearly 24/7 with her but the reality that she is mine is still more than my brain can absorb. But my heart, I feel it there. Perhaps logic just takes a while to catch up. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, wishing you and yours the very best. And if 2015 wasn’t your year, I am sending love and light your way and hoping for a better 2016. 

#Microblog Mondays: I Am a Puddle


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too. 


I’ve always been a pretty unemotional person. Not that I don’t feel them, but I don’t show them. Ok, and I didn’t always feel them as strongly as others may have. My heart of stone has served me well at protecting myself in some occasions. Infertility really got to me, but you would never know it because I kept it in (or spilled it all over my blog).

Since my daughter was born, it seems that the stony exterior that protected my heart has crumbled. Initially, I could have blamed it on the postpartum hormones, but I think I have to admit it’s more than that. I have a little person that belongs to me, and I to her. 

I think through the course of dealing with infertility I closed myself up more, because it was easier than dealing with my emotions. Well the floodgates have opened. Just the other day, there was a commercial on for a sick kids foundation and I could not handle it. I cried, a lot, at a commercial. Like, not just welling up, “oh that’s sad”. Like big fat tears rolled down my cheeks, I started sniffling and when my husband looked over at me I sobbed; “it’s just so sad!”. I couldn’t imagine our little daughter in a situation like the one depicted in the commercial. I feel all the feels now. And it turns me into a weepy puddle. My baby girl has thawed this ice queen. And now for your viewing pleasure, The Commercial

Don’t watch it if you don’t want to cry. You’ve been warned