Musings from the Gym

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No, this isn’t my musings about the gym, this is me writing this on my phone from the gym. I meant to post a quick update yesterday but I was slammed all day at work (where I often draft posts in my recently ample downtime) and came home to collapse. Today was a similar story, super busy at work, ended up staying a bit late and then came home and worked from the couch for a little longer. I still have a bit more to do tonight but J asked if I wanted to come to the gym and for once I miraculously obliged (I hate the gym, save for my yoga class so it’s a rarity when I agree to come with him).

So I figured since I am feeling a bit lazy I’ll take it easy on myself and write a blog post while biking. Hey, don’t judge it’s better than staying on the couch (which in all honesty was my first choice).

There’s not much to tell in regards to the job front for J yet. He had his phone interview with some of the management from the location. He said it went well, more behavioural questions, a bit more information on how they run their location and that was it. They told him they are still in the process of interviewing other candidates but that they hope to let him know next week.

Damn, I was hoping maybe he was the only qualified applicant. Wishful thinking right? So anyways we wait again. I really really really want this one. I was searching job opportunities in the area and there are a few fantastic opportunities for me. I am trying not to get my hopes up though as we are the under dogs.

Oh, I guess the news I do have is the other location we were waiting on has gone with someone else. So were back to just one, all hopes on the most recent. All the eggs in one basket.

I’m not sure how long we can play at this, apply, interview, declined, repeat. Letting our hopes get up a little each time. We put ourselves on TTC time out but this situation seems to be a parallel. We have an appt with our RE on Apr. 14 so that might help us a bit to discuss our situation with the dr. Then we are going on a Caribbean vacay for 10 days at the end of April and I’m hoping we can rest, relax and rejuvenate ourselves and then come back refreshed and ready to make some decisions.

I like having a plan so this free flowing business is for the birds, in my opinion. J and I have really let all of the TTC stuff fall away for now, we don’t really talk about “when” we’ll have kids, this and that. We’re trying to just take a break from it all. Sometimes it feels like walking on egg shells and other times it just feels like a relief to put down the burden for a bit. So we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks.

In other news my sister in law sent me a little gift-y in the mail. She loves sending things in the mail and I will admit it has a personal touch. She saw (and commented on) the article I posted on Facebook and wrote about here last week. She sent me a card with some nice body oils and a little bag of my favorite gourmet jelly beans. I don’t have the card with me but it said something along the lines of “saw the article you posted and that you might need this”, just a nice little pick-me-up gesture. It’s very sweet.

My sister in law is a very thoughtful, caring and sweet (sickeningly so sometimes) person. Her and I are very different and if I had met her under different circumstance I’m fairly certain we would not be friends. And even though I still don’t always see eye to eye with her or understand her motivations sometimes, we have a bond. We relate in that we both married into our now shared family and we have an alliance, her and I.

I should mention I have literally never discussed our infertility with her and she gets it all as byproduct from her husband (my brother in law) that J gives him. It’s a convolute situation, I know. Her and her husband, along with my nieces, live in a different city but she has been a silent supporter, this I know.

It’s the first real acknowledgment anyone I know in real life (that know about our IF) has ever given. Can you tell I’m an extremely private person? I’m still not really ready to let anyone fully in. I just don’t want to discuss it with anyone who can’t truly get it, no matter how sincere and understanding they may be. So perhaps I’m putting up walls, but it’s all I’ve got holding me together sometimes.

Now that I’ve sort of jumped from one topic to the next, I’ll bid you all a good night. Back to my lame-o Saturday night workout. Bonne nuite!

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Another Hat in the Ring

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J has been applying for transfer jobs with his company left, right and centre lately, and yesterday he got call back for another one. We are still waiting on the most recent one that showed promise (that J interviewed for last week). So this morning he had an interview for another location, with the third party recruiter for this other region. This is usually the point where things derail, because they question him about his citizenship, and when they find out he’s Canadian is usually when they give him the “Oh, I’m sorry, but thank you for your application”.

This time, when it came up (and it didn’t even come up right away, like it normally does) the recruiter advised that it was no problem as this location has sponsored Canadians before. At that point, she continued right into the behavioural interview, which is usually saved for second interview, as he thought this was just going to be very preliminary. After this he gets passed directly to the location he has applied for. This is point we are at with the first location he interview for, still waiting for them to call and set up the direct interview (if they are even still interested at this point).

The awesome part is, the recruiter from today has already set that interview up with this second location! And, I think I am almost more excited for this one from today, than the first one. Again, trying not to get ahead of myself, but this one is moving a lot faster which I am hoping is a good thing. His interview direct with the second location is this Friday! Stoked.

So in any case, hoping something comes of this. Still haven’t talked to my mom. Might have to ASAP if we get an offer letter soon. I know I am being sort of vague, but again just trying to protect identity somewhat, and I don’t really want to say who my hubby works for (the shit I put online about myself/us should never come back to bite him in the ass).

Will update after Friday 🙂

Ps. Where is everyone today? My WordPress account has been so quiet today. Miss all my lovely ladies!

Womp Womp

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So my mom bailed on coffee tonight because she wasn’t feeling well. So there goes that. By the time I see her we might be well underway planning a move to a new city, or IVF.

Itchy Feet

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When I was 18 I deferred going to University for a year and moved to England on a working holiday visa instead. Ever since then I’ve had the travel bug. I came home and started school, only to drop out after a semester because I decided I didn’t want to be a scientist. After my time abroad, I feel like I came back a slightly different person. It allowed me to grow, and change my perspective on a lot of things. Don’t get my wrong, I was still young and naive, but less so I guess.

It also caused me to make travel a priority in my life. Once I had a taste of the rest of the world, I wanted more. Which led me into my current career as a travel counsellor. I have been at my current company for almost 3 years now and in the industry (including the time spent in school) for almost 6 years. When I first got the job with said company I was so excited as they have a good reputation, and is one of the better ones to work for in my field.

Now don’t get me wrong, they are a pretty good company, and still better than most other places I could (and have) worked in my area. But you know how once you are on the inside of a company it starts to lose it’s shine. I am definitely at that point.

Not only the company itself, but my work. Although it is usually a different situation every day and travel is a forever changing industry, it is all generally the same crap over and over again. I find that no matter the job, I seem to get itchy feet and tire of what I’m doing after a couple of years.

I do like being the travel industry, but I just don’t know if I can keep doing my same job for the rest of my life. I worked in banking for a little over a year after dropping out of my first try at school, and it seemed like a good fit for me, as I am very analytical and like to have lots of structure. I ended up leaving it, mostly because the branch that I worked at was a mess and it was too much drama to deal with. I ended up working for a different bank while I went to school for travel and just got bored of it. I have a feeling I could have done well, and maybe would have stayed at my first bank job, had it not been for the branch management.

The job I am in currently, is the longest I’ve ever stay at one place. I guess I am a bit of a job nomad. I’ve never found anything I really really love. I think in the beginning, I really loved working as a travel counsellor, though there are some major stressors that come with it. But it too is seeming to lose it’s sheen.

Maybe (ok probably) some of my discontent has to do with the stress of infertility making me less than happy with my life in general. I just don’t really know what to do about it. There is the other job opportunity that I mentioned here. It would still be as a travel agent but doing strictly corporate travel (I only do leisure right now), working from home, with no commissions. So although it is technically the same job it couldn’t be more different. But I know that’s not going to magically fix the problem. It might be good for a little while, but then what? What happens when I get bored again?

This is one of the reasons I would like to relocate, it would open new and different opportunities for me. Secondly I am just sick of where we live now. But in all reality even that isn’t going to be a fix-all.

I’ve thought about what else I could possibly do with my life, but it just seems like an impossibly large scope. And a lot of what I’ve considered would require me to go back to school, not that that’s a bad thing but I can’t quit my job just to go to school so it would have to be a night school situation. I’ve always excelled at school and though I gripe and complain about it, I do like learning. When I graduated high school I always thought I would end up with a bachelor’s degree in something, and the first time I went to Uni that’s what I was on my way to. Somewhere along the line I lost my attention span for school and just wanted to get it done and over with and get out into the work force. My travel diploma afforded me this, as it was an accelerated program. So now I feel somewhat under-educated I guess? I feel like I am generally a pretty smart person. Am I living up to my potential?

I know I can’t do something I don’t like so I suppose it doesn’t matter what my education level is but I’m stumped. A few of the things I feel passionately about in life are travel, literacy and animal rescue. I am already working in a career involving one of those things, I’ve volunteered with a literacy organization previously, and am considering volunteering with a local animal rescue society. I feel like I need a life coach to help steer me in the right direction, but I don’t really think it’s just that simple.

I like having the stability of roots and a comfortable job, making decent money and being able to pay the bills, as well as afford the niceties of life. But at the same time, I get bored of the sameness of every day, I crave change and excitement. I can’t really have both though, as they are mutually exclusive. I feel like I’m an enigma wrapped in a paradox, topped of with a dollop of contradiction. What’s a girl to do?

Difficult Conversations

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Infertility can create a lot of difficult conversations; with nosy strangers, heedless friends, or well meaning family. I’ve experienced all of the above and am still not great at handling any of the above. I’ve yet to get overly defensive and bite someones head off but I’ve come close. Generally I just deflect, change the subject or remove myself from the situation, all while feeling awkward, annoyed and hurt.

So tomorrow should be a not so fun day, as I am about to initiate one of these conversations on my own. At least it will be on my own terms, and it will be with my mom, who tries to be very sensitive to my pain. But I am still not looking forward to it.

As I’ve mentioned previously I am an “oops” baby, and my mom’s only child. My mom was not married to my “dad” (I use that term loosely, more like sperm donor, but that’s a whole other thing) when she got pregnant and never did get married, or have any serious long term relationships. She was too busy being a single mother to me. The problem with this situation is she literally has no basis of TTC. I am also not super open with my mom. I have always been a very private person, and this is a very private matter. The only reason my mom knows that we started TTC is because I’m an idiot and I followed an infertility board on Pinterest, and my Pinterest account is linked to my Facebook and it showed up in my newsfeed. I quickly took it down, and doubt many (if any) other people even saw or noticed it. But the damage was done, and once again social media bit me in the ass.

She broached the subject very carefully and nervously, and so since she sort of found out that we were TTC I came clean to her, and at this point we were only 9 months in (I was mostly following the infertility board for TTC tips at that point). Ok, I told her we were only 6 months in and not to worry, that is was no cause for concern yet. That was a real treat, trying to play it off to my mom, even though I was starting to realize it probably was something to worry about. But now that she knew, and still nothing was happening I was kind of forced to update her on what was going on. She knows I don’t like to talk about it and I basically told her we were going to try treatment until Feb. and that if we didn’t have an announcement for her by then for her not to hold her breath.

So it’s now almost the end of March and we haven’t really discussed it. I hope she isn’t waiting for me to spring some exciting news on her. “Hey mom, guess what?…<insert pregnant pause here> (ha ha get it, pregnant pause? Yeah I know, I should go jump off a cliff), we have to do IVF!” Blech, worst announcement ever.

Anywho, I never really gave her the details of what we were doing, she just knew that we were going to a Fertility clinic and having medicated cycles, but I didn’t really get into IUI, or all of the details of J’s SA, ect. I’m still just going to give her the coles notes, that it didn’t work, that we’re most likely going to have to do IVF, yada yada. But I’m sure she’ll have questions. And I’m fairly certain she knows more than I’ve told her. For one, I left an IUI bill sitting on our kitchen table when she came over one time and she was literally sitting right in front of it. So I’m pretty positive she saw it. I just pretended not to notice. Also, she went for coffee with J’s mom not that long ago, and I know they would have discussed us, and J tells his mom a lot more that I tell my mom, so I’m sure my mom gleaned some more information from her.

We are going for coffee tomorrow night and that generally involves some form of discussion about our infertility, so I hate it. I know some people won’t understand why I don’t want to talk about it with my mom, the one person who I should be able to be open with, who will be fully supportive. But it breaks her heart for me, and I have enough pain to deal with on my own, without hurting my mother. On one hand I wish she never found out, and I could keep it all a secret, but then I would still get the comments and prodding about having kids. This way I know she silently hopes for me, but I hate that as well.

So it seems I can’t win. I will give her the update she never wanted to hear. Her only child, conceived by accident, now cannot easily (or naturally) provide her with a grandchild. What kind of sick and twisted fate is that?

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Random Thoughts

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I have a lot of little notes for future blog posts but some of them don’t warrant their own post or I don’t feel like elaborating on them right now so I am just going to throw a bunch of things out there, just to get them off my chest.

*I hate not being part of the mommy club. I have nothing to contribute to conversations about kids, and I don’t live the same lifestyle as most of my friends. I do enjoy the lack of responsibility sometimes, but I would gladly trade it in for a baby.

*On a secondary part of missing out on the mommy club, my best friend and I couldn’t have more different lives right now. She is a stay at home mom to her almost two year old son, and pregnant with another boy, due in June. Her days consists of taking care of her son and her husband, and working very part time as a nurses aide. I am finding it harder and harder to relate to her. I think even once I had a child (or children) we will still live different lives but at least we’d have a common bond of children.

*I feel like I am in a competition with “the fertiles”. Every time another person gets pregnant (naturally, not by IF treatments) it’s like I get another tick in the losing column. I know it’s a stupid way to think but it just irks me.

*I want to (someday) try and work on getting the word out about infertility, lobby the government for fertility coverage, educate the masses, ect. But right now, I want my privacy for my own treatment, so I am torn. I could speak out now and lose my privacy, or suffer in silence until I have some sort of resolution.

*Further to that, I feel like it might be somewhat futile to try and get the word out and garner support because people who haven’t been through it don’t understand. It is an invisible disease, sort of like depression and anxiety.

*I hate that this one problem in my life (infertility) crosses into all aspects of life. Trying to plan a vacation; what if I am pregnant/in the middle of treatment? In a wedding this summer; don’t get pregnant or you won’t fit the dress! Want to change jobs; don’t forget you might get pregnant and have to leave your new job anyways! Every decision I try to make, I always have to consider TTC and I’m sick of it, dammit!

*I hate license plates. This one is weird, I know, but where I live a license plate comprises of 3 letters followed by four numbers and they sort of cycle through different combinations of the alphabet. Right now an extremely common letter combination is either BFP or BFN.  It is sooo annoying to be driving behind that.

Sorry, there is not really any point to this. That’s all I’ve got on that one for now, but I could go on and on about it. I’ll keep you posted if I think of anything else.

You Can Plan a Pretty Picnic, but You Can’t Predict the Weather

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Why, yes I did pluck the title of my post from an Outkast song (I’m sorry Miss Jackson, wooo, I am for real!). Sorry, I was having a throwback moment. But anyways, when I heard that lyric I really liked it’s message (despite the fact that it is talking about baby mamas). You can have all the best laid plans, but not everything is under your control, and sometimes you just have to roll with it. Plans don’t always work out as you had hoped, and I am learning that. As much as it drives me crazy, there are only certain things I can control, and one of them is how I react to what life gives me.

I have a hard time with that sometimes. I want to stay in bed, under the covers, or throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming. But I can’t do that, because I’m a grown ass woman. So everyday I put on my big girl pants and march out into the world. Some days are easier than others. Right now, I feel mostly calm, I had one full cycle back on birth control, my crazy TTC tendencies have started to ebb away, and it’s a nice feeling. We still have hope to be able to move cities, and if not we’ll probably move forward with IVF (but I’m not going to think that far ahead right now).

J had his phone interview with the recruiter. He said it wasn’t too long, about half an hour, and he thought it went quite well. It was mostly situational questions, what would you do in such and such a situation. J’s had enough experience in his current position that he doesn’t have problems answering these types of questions. The recruiter told him that she had a phone meeting scheduled, with the location that is considering him, on Thursday for her to discuss the applicants. So we hope to hear something from the location either Friday, or early next week. So here’s hoping they at least consider him from that point, which should lead him to a final interview.

So right now we are just living and enjoying. I went for brunch with 7 of my girlfriends on Sunday. It was awesome that we all managed to get together, despite our widely varying schedules and the fact that most of them have kids. Actually only myself, and two other ladies don’t have kids. One does not want kids, and one is not married yet, and not yet at the point where she is planning on having kids. Not to mention two of the ladies are currently pregnant, and one of them with twins (they both already have kids as well). But suffice it to say, there was a lot of kid/baby talk at brunch. I tried to just roll with it, and enjoy the fact that after brunch I got to go home, do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day with no other responsibilities.

Sorry, this post doesn’t really have a point, for now just living life. Trying to enjoy the picnic, even if there is some rain.

*Sidenote: I’ve been watching the Little Couple lately, and it makes me feel like a whiney baby. They have to live life as little people, which presents its own challenges. They weren’t able to have biological kids, so finally they were able to adopt two children, and then she finds out she has cancer. And they just keep trooping on. I hate most all reality tv, but they are amazing. Even though I find them sort of annoying. Does that make me a bad person?…