#Microblog Mondays: Friendship

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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Wow, I’ve been absent for a while! It’s been unintentional, but every time I have some free time (aka, when baby is napping) there are a hundred other things I need to do and blogging falls down the list. I’ve been reading and following along, and I do have a million things to talk about (which is sometimes why I don’t blog, even if I find a pocket of time…where to begin!). Anyways, I’ve had a situation weighing heavily on me for a while, (I’m sure there are others in a similar boat) so I’m going to get it off my chest.

Like many other infertility sufferers/survivors, my best friend was busy procreating while I was struggling through IUIs and IVF. Her first child was born just after J and I started trying to get pregnant, so at that point I was super excited, for her, and for J and I. By the time she was pregnant with her second child, J and I were fully immersed in the world of IF. In a strange twist, just before my BF got pregnant for the second time, she had been prescribed clomid as she wasn’t ovulating regularly, and was having very long cycles. She went to her GP, who ran some tests and gave her the clomid (all of this happened in a very short period of time and she never went to Ye Olde Fertilty Clinic). She was waiting for her CD1 so she could get some bloodwork done. Her period never came, and it turned out she was pregnant.

That was a turning point in our relationship. As much as I didn’t want her to be in the IF trenches with me, it would have been nice for my BF to understand what I was going through. So when she told me she was pregnant, I was relieved for her, but also turned more into myself. I shared less with her, I didn’t see her as often (it was too hard). Once her second boy was born, I went for the obligatory visit (it’s awful that I saw it as obligatory, rather than wanting to see her new child). Granted, she also now had two children, and I had none so we were living very different lives.

Even once I finally succeeded in becoming pregnant, and having my baby girl, we never reconnected. She did come visit when baby girl was just new but then after that I noticed a distinct pulling away. She was very curt and brief in our text message exchanges, they were never initiated by her and when she didn’t wish me a happy birthday I knew something was really up. I questioned her on it, and she told me that she was hurt that our relationship had faltered after she got pregnant, that we weren’t close anymore, and that she rarely saw me anymore. She ended with something along the lines of “I’m not solely blaming you”, but sort of left it hanging as in, she mostly was blaming me. I did pull away, I know that. But I didn’t have much left to give to anyone during treatment, and then life with a new infant swallowed me up for a while. I blame myself, but I wish she would have made more of an effort too.

After I straight up asked her what was going on and we hashed that out a bit, we had a casual catching up convo, and I made a date to go visit her and her boys. That visit felt awkward, and stunted. We haven’t had much contact since, but neither of us has brought up our dying relationship. I think she’s stopped trying again, and frankly if it’s this much effort and things have changed so much between us, is it worth saving? I feel harsh saying that, and she is/was my best friend. We’ve know each other since we were 17, we used to be inseparable. But I think when things really changed was after the birth of her first child. And I get it, new parents are busy, priorities change. Couple that with the fact that I ended up undergoing fertility treatments, I think we’ve drifted too far apart, and though we now have similar-ish lives (in that we both have young children), I’ve changed fundamentally and I don’t knowhow well she fits in my life anymore.

I sort of feel like I am being lazy, and dismissive of such a long time friendship, not trying to save it. But I have a high school friend who I rarely see, and we don’t chat a ton but whenever we do, we never skip a beat, it’s like no time is lost at all. It’s not like that with my once-bestie. And that’s what makes me think, as sad as it would be, that it’s time to let it go.