Just Go On Vacation They Say

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So I am. We are going on a cruise, and I could not be more excited. I schedule this to post to publish itself, since I will be up at an ungodly hour to catch our flight. So by the time this posts, I will be at 30,000 ft.

I have been feeling rather blasé about life in general lately, though I realise it is mostly due to our IF struggles. My coworkers annoy me, I don’t feel like doing my work, or dealing with my clients. I have no motivation to do anything when I’m not working and the general population seems to be hell bent on pissing me off. I have good days and bad, but I really just need to get the hell out of here for a while. I am hoping it will be a chance for us to release the tension we’ve been carrying, destress, get some sun and just enjoy ourselves. And when we come back hopefully we will feel (somewhat) renewed, and refreshed with more patience and strength for what’s to come.

I have refrained from using BCPs this month. I only had one pack left and it was expired, so I said screw it. I’ll go one cycle without before I start back up again. Perhaps by some lucky, magical coincidence we will get pregnant. But I’m betting not. I asked Dr. M if it was ok for me to be taking BCPs leading up to our tentative IVF cycle, and he said it would actually make things easier to schedule because then we can manipulate my cycle with the BCPs. So at least that way I can take another 3 months off treatment, and not even worrying about getting pregnant “by accident”. I suppose I should start taking prenatals again soon though, so they can take the time needed to get back into my system.

So I will be MIA for a while, enjoying the sun, scuba diving and not thinking about TTC (though I will be in the TWW for the duration of our trip, but at least I will be well distracted). I’ll think of all my lovely ladies while sipping something fruity from a hammock on a white sand beach. Don’t hate 🙂 See you all in a couple weeks!

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A Change in Seasons

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I think I can safely say Spring might be here, at least for right now, although the forecast is calling for possible wet snow on Thursday. Such is life in my part of the world. The trees are starting to bud, and all life that was hibernating through our looong winter is finally starting to pop up. It is a time of renewal, and all that jazz. Spring cleaning begins, people finally venture outdoors (joggers abound!), and the increase in daylight brightens everyone’s mood.

I am feeling more calm and positive (most of the time) looking toward the future. On Friday we found out that J’s company has gone with another applicant for the job transfer we were waiting to hear about. Only two weeks after they said they’d get back to him. Nothing like leaving us in pained suspense. He’s applied to a couple of other ones, one outside of the US, but still doesn’t have a very good likelihood of panning out. J was extremely bummed about not getting the position we were waiting on. He thought maybe it was a good sign that we had to wait so long. As bummed as I was, I think I was buoyed by the fact that we have a plan in regards to IVF so either way we have an option.

When he first started applying for job transfers (after our last failed IUI) I was so excited when he would apply for a new location, and then so let down when he would receive the “thanks, but no thanks” email. We both sort of assumed that it would just work out (ha, sounds familiar). He has known other people in his company that have transferred, and it was more of a question where and when they went, not if. Times (and economies) have changed I guess.

Because I assumed we would be leaving (when, not if) I sort of had that mentality with my own job. Not that I was doing a bad job, or anything but the things that I was sick of, and irritated by seemed to be magnified. In my mind I wouldn’t have to put up with it much longer, but as it came to be less and less likely that we would get a transfer I became more disappointed as I had already sort of mentally checked out. I do like my job most days, but when I am in such a difficult place in life, work becomes an annoyance.

So in any case, it looks like I will be staying in my current job for the time being. If we do IVF in August (with a possible frozen transfer in September, depending on how the retrieval goes) and have a successful pregnancy, that would put me due in May or June. So realistically I could be here for another year at least. I do still have another job in my back pocket, but if I am going to be pursing IVF, and possibly getting pregnant, it may not be so wise to jump ship right now. My current employer is pretty flexible when I have appointments (not that they know what it’s for). It will get a little trickier for IVF but I’ll figure it out. It would have to be quite a bit more money, and better benefits with this other company for me to consider it. I might have to investigate…

On a separate note, I am trying to bring more good things into my life (this seems to be a common sentiment with us infertiles). I want to be in a really good place for whatever comes down the road at us. Obviously, I’m trying to be on the eat healthy, work out bandwagon (which I suck at, and do not enjoy). But I am also trying to be around people who will raise me up, and not bring me down. Unfortunately, my (pregnant) best friend and I haven’t seen eachother in ages, and don’t talk a lot anymore. We just seem to have nothing in common anymore, plus she’s having her second child which makes things a bit awkward.

I have met someone who is on team IF, through this blog, who lives in my area (Hello invisiblyinfertile!). We met for coffee and it was sooo nice to have someone to talk to in person. Though I love all of the connections and support through the blogger world, it is different to have someone “in real life”. It is nice knowing I have someone local with who “gets it” (and goes to the same clinic, and might be pursuing IVF at the same time!). It doesn’t even always have to be about IF, but at least I can let my guard down, and just be who I am at this moment with this new friend.

I am also planning on seeing a psychologist to work through everything that’s gone on in the past, nearly two years, and gearing up for IVF which I’m sure will bring on a whole slew of new emotions. I’ve seen one previously for couples counselling (several years ago) and I found it immensely helpful. I’ve just been procrastinating on it, hoping that I would just handle it, but I have benefits coverage for it, so why would I not get help when it is available to me?

Trying to be proactive, and bring a little Spring into my life.

NIAW: Resolve to Know More

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I wanted to participate in Resolve’s “Resolve to Know More” campaign, but I was having a hard time putting thoughts into words. There is so much that I want the general population (ie. people who don’t suffer from infertility) to know, but where does one start?

Also because I am an anonymous blogger this post probably won’t be seen by many people outside of the infertility community. I will not be posting on Facebook, or tweeting about it (although, I don’t mind if other people do!). But for those who may stumble across my blog, or one day when I feel safe and comfortable enough to share it, this is what I want people to know. Not necessarily do’s and don’ts (such as the obvious, don’t tell them just to relax, or stop trying), but things you should consider, with anyone really, because you never know who is that 1 in 8.

  1. Infertility is a disease; a medical condition. No amount of ill-considered advice is going to change that.

  2. Other people’s fertility hurts my feelings. I know it’s not their fault, that’s what our bodies are meant to do. But I can’t do it, and it is upsetting to me.

  3. Strangers, friends and family speaking to me as if I am ignorant because I don’t have children is hurtful. Ie: You’ll understand/you’ll change your mind/you’ll know better…when you have kids.

  4. Infertility affects every part of my life. My relationship (physical and emotional) with my spouse and others, my self-esteem, my mood (all the time, up and down), my future plans (or lack thereof, because I can’t plan past the next treatment), and we can’t forget, my bank account.

  5. If someone doesn’t have kids it is not appropriate to ask them if/when/how many children they plan on having. Even if they do already have a child/children, don’t. I don’t ask you what your salary is, or your sexual preference. Please do not ask me about the status of my uterus.

  6. The point of marriage is not (necessarily) to have children. Sure, it is generally the by-product of marriage, but not the sole purpose. And not everyone wants to get knocked up on their honeymoon. Keep that in mind, and see #5.

  7. Fortunately (for you), and unfortunately for us (suffering from IF) you cannot understand what this is like. You may have an idea from what we’ve told you, or you’ve read. You’ll know that it is horrible, and be able to sympathize with the fact that we are in pain. But there really is no way for you to fully understand. The psychological effects have been compared to having cancer. Keep that in mind.

  8. If you are someone I have let into my IF world, sometimes I will want to talk about it, and sometimes I won’t. Respect my fickleness, and please be patient with me. A secondary note to that one, don’t ask me every month if “it worked”. I will tell you when it is appropriate for you to know.

  9. I am not ashamed of being infertile, but I deal with enough trying to hold myself together while managing IF, never mind fielding questions/ignorance/pity from other people. That is why it is none of your business.

  10. I will emerge on the other side of IF, no matter what road we take to get there or if it ends up including children or not, but I will never be the person that I was before. Unfortunately, I have visited a very ugly, dark place. Pain will change a person, and I will have to break free of my broken self to emerge anew.

Please visit the links below for more information on infertility:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

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I Want You!

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I just wanted to make mention that I’ve added a new tab to my sidebar, inviting guest bloggers to get in touch with me should they ever want to submit a blog post for me to share on my page. I would love to host other women’s (or men’s) points of view from where they are in their IF journey.

 * Guest Bloggers *

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Two Sides of the Same Coin

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Leading up to our appointment with Dr. M this past Monday, I had been feeling anxious, but sort of looking forward to it. Not in a “yay I’m excited to go to the fertility clinic” sort of way, but ready to move on and have a plan. I had a lot of my own ideas and research floating around in my head, but needed to have it validated to help me make peace with the decision to do IVF.

After hearing everything Dr. M had to say, and discussing it with him, I do feel a lot better. My general anxiety has reduced (though the closer we get to August, I’m sure I’ll get all worked up again). I just take comfort in knowing the direction that we are headed (even though we have two possible scenarios), or rather that we have some sort of direction. I can sort of start to make plans for the future. When I have order, all is well with the world.

On the flip side of things, I think J is having a harder time, now that we’ve had our follow up. All along, after our failed IUIs I had it in my head that we would have to do IVF, and J and I vaguely discussed this. I think in his mind it was still a far off and foreign concept. Now that we’ve met with Dr. M, and have the protocols in place it has become much more real.

He was quite upset the day after our appointment, and I asked him to talk about it but he said he’s not even sure how he’s feeling (been there). He just wants to fix it, and he wants to know why. How did this happen? Why us? And although I’ve wondered that myself, there is no good answer and at this point it doesn’t matter, to me at least. Even if we knew why his swimmers are subpar, or why the IUIs didn’t work, it wouldn’t really make a difference. I don’t know how to help him, and it makes me sad.

I am normally the type of person who wants answers, but an answer of why or how isn’t going to make me feel any better at this point. I want answers in what to do now, and we have those, to some extent. I do want to know what I can do to better our chances, and I have some of those answers, but the closer we get to IVF I’m sure the more I will want to know. The answers we have, and the direction we are headed doesn’t necessarily offer resolution (is there ever really resolution for IF?), but they offer comfort, hope and strength.

I’ve also been able to physically know the failure every month, I read the blogs of the failed IVF, and I understand the processes of ART. I am a pessimist by nature so I have come to expect failure. Even then, it still hurts, and that sneaky hope creeps in to plant those seeds of doubt in my mind. I almost feel better to lower my expectations, as a way to protect myself, a depressing form of self preservation.

J mostly understands the basics of IUI and IVF, he has come to every appointment with me, and he tries to know what’s going on, but it is still different for me. I physically feel the process, I understand it better because it is happening to my body and I feel as though I am ahead of him in the greiving process. I’ve moved into the determined phase. I am ready to go, while he is still trying to wrap his head around everything. It’s like an out of body experience, looking in on our lives and wondering how we got to this place.

He understands the basic principles of what happens in IVF and but not necessarily the exact process, or what the difference is between ICSI and IVF. I’ve explained it to him and Dr. M showed us a really good power point on it, plus gave us a lot of take home material to read over that gives specific stats, and details about the process as a whole. But it’s just a pretty foreign concept, and a rather new one to J. I can see how the whole thing is a struggle for him to grasp.

He is always very quiet when we meet with Dr. M, it is usually me fielding questions and having an involved discussion while J listens and tries to absorb it all. Dr. M always asks if we have any questions, which by the end of our discussions, I generally don’t. He is very thorough, and always gives us lots of take away information as well. I always turn to J to see if he has anything he wants to ask, but he just shrugs his shoulders and gives me a look, to say he doesn’t even know what to ask at this point.

It is sometimes difficult to reconcile that we are both experiencing the same thing, when we feel it and handle it so differently. In the big picture we feel the same in that we are upset, lost and grieving that we have to endure this process. But in the small details we view things differently, and have different ways of coping. And because of this we not only endure our own pain, by share eachothers pain by being at different places, mentally, with our journey. I wish I could help him, but I don’t know how.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

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Leading up to our appointment with Dr. M this past Monday, I had been feeling anxious, but sort of looking forward to it. Not in a “yay I’m excited to go to the fertility clinic” sort of way, but ready to move on and have a plan. I had a lot of my own ideas and research floating around in my head, but needed to have it validated to help me make peace with the decision to do IVF.

After hearing everything Dr. M had to say, and discussing it with him, I do feel a lot better. My general anxiety has reduced (though the closer we get to August, I’m sure I’ll get all worked up again). I just take comfort in knowing the direction that we are headed (even though we have two possible scenarios), or rather that we have some sort of direction. I can sort of start to make plans for the future. When I have order, all is well with the world.

On the flip side of things, I think J is having a harder time, now that we’ve had our follow up. All along, after our failed IUIs I had it in my head that we would have to do IVF, and J and I vaguely discussed this. I think in his mind it was still a far off and foreign concept. Now that we’ve met with Dr. M, and have the protocols in place it has become much more real.

He was quite upset the day after our appointment, and I asked him to talk about it but he said he’s not even sure how he’s feeling (been there). He just wants to fix it, and he wants to know why. How did this happen? Why us? And although I’ve wondered that myself, there is no good answer and at this point it doesn’t matter, to me at least. Even if we knew why his swimmers are subpar, or why the IUIs didn’t work, it wouldn’t really make a difference. I don’t know how to help him, and it makes me sad.

I am normally the type of person who wants answers, but an answer of why or how isn’t going to make me feel any better at this point. I want answers in what to do now, and we have those, to some extent. I do want to know what I can do to better our chances, and I have some of those answers, but the closer we get to IVF I’m sure the more I will want to know. The answers we have, and the direction we are headed doesn’t necessarily offer resolution (is there ever really resolution for IF?), but they offer comfort, hope and strength.

I’ve also been able to physically know the failure every month, I read the blogs of the failed IVF, and I understand the processes of ART. I am a pessimist by nature so I have come to expect failure. Even then, it still hurts, and that sneaky hope creeps in to plant those seeds of doubt in my mind. I almost feel better to lower my expectations, as a way to protect myself, a depressing form of self preservation.

J mostly understands the basics of IUI and IVF, he has come to every appointment with me, and he tries to know what’s going on, but it is still different for me. I physically feel the process, I understand it better because it is happening to my body and I feel as though I am ahead of him in the greiving process. I’ve moved into the determined phase. I am ready to go, while he is still trying to wrap his head around everything. It’s like an out of body experience, looking in on our lives and wondering how we got to this place.

He understands the basic principles of what happens in IVF and but not necessarily the exact process, or what the difference is between ICSI and IVF. I’ve explained it to him and Dr. M showed us a really good power point on it, plus gave us a lot of take home material to read over that gives specific stats, and details about the process as a whole. But it’s just a pretty foreign concept, and a rather new one to J. I can see how the whole thing is a struggle for him to grasp.

He is always very quiet when we meet with Dr. M, it is usually me fielding questions and having an involved discussion while J listens and tries to absorb it all. Dr. M always asks if we have any questions, which by the end of our discussions, I generally don’t. He is very thorough, and always gives us lots of take away information as well. I always turn to J to see if he has anything he wants to ask, but he just shrugs his shoulders and gives me a look, to say he doesn’t even know what to ask at this point.

It is sometimes difficult to reconcile that we are both experiencing the same thing, when we feel it and handle it so differently. In the big picture we feel the same in that we are upset, lost and grieving that we have to endure this process. But in the small details we view things differently, and have different ways of coping. And because of this we not only endure our own pain, by share eachothers pain by being at different places, mentally, with our journey. I wish I could help him, but I don’t know how.

Down the Rabbit Hole

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Warning this is going to be a long post filled with IVF jargon and some of my personal views on certain IVF related dilemmas. They are just my opinions as everyone is entitled to their own.

When I first started this blog, I had it in my mind that IUI was going to work. Just as I had the idea when we first started TTC that natural conception was going to work. Our first IUI was a bit of a disaster; we were both super on edge, snappy with eachother and J’s counts were the lowest we had had thus far. As we sat in the hospital cafeteria waiting for the sample to be washed and spun we speculated about the future. We both agreed that we couldn’t imagine doing IVF if we were having this much trouble with IUIs. I said it would take a lot soul searching for me to consider doing IVF. It just seemed like too much; too much money, too much stress, just more than we could handle.

Fast forward to our 3rd (and final) IUI and at that point I was rather certain that IUI wasn’t going to work after all. I was already pondering the thing that I thought I wouldn’t do, but as you go forward with treatment, you realise just how far you are willing to go. With infertility, everytime you open a door and step through, it shuts behind you and you can only go forward. Decide to start TTC (natural conception), we’ve made the decision, the door shuts behind us (not that we realised it at the time), we are officially “trying”. Twelve months later, still nothing, see a fertility specialist, diagnosed infertile. The natural conception door shuts behind us as we move onto IUIs. After that fails, we were left standing on the other side of the door, wondering how we got here and where we go next. Although we can’t go backwards, there is more than one choice going forward, we just have to decide.

Before we even went in to our appointment I was fairly certain we were going to have to go forward with IVF + ICSI but definitely wanted to hear the Dr out, see what he had to say, although I know ultimately it is our decision. So here’s how it all shook out.

Dr. M sits down with us, and apologizes that it’s not going to be as easy as we had hoped. He looks over our file and J’s SA results, as well as counts from the IUIs. He says that J’s numbers are just bordering on average, that if 15 is a pass, then J is at 15.2 (just made up numbers as a “for example”). This is pretty much the case for motility, counts and morphology. His analysis does also depend on what averages he is using. J’s morphology on his first SA was 0%, and the second one 4%. Now 4% is generally the lowest they want to see, but even still that is pretty low (and by some standards considered below average). Plus his counts over our IUIs were much worse than his initial SA of around 45 million. We averaged somewhere between 15 – 20 million per IUI at about 50% motility. Say, based on 20 million if you figure that 4% of those are normal forms that’s only 800,000 and if only 50% are motile, cut that number in half. That seems like pretty shitty odds if you ask me (I know it’s not that cut and dry, but just to paint you a picture).

So anyways, that is the past and it didn’t work, so obviously it doesn’t really matter. It bugged me a little bit though, as he called us unexplained infertility. He did say that based on the fact that I responded very well to the clomid, and my progesterone was good after ovulation, and J’s numbers are so so that it would stand to reason that MFI was our problem, but he still left it at unexplained.

He told us we basically have two options; to do 3 more IUIs with injectables and monitoring, or just go straight to IVF with ICSI (I’m so glad he automatically suggested we do ICSI, because I wasn’t sure what our best option would be). He said we don’t have to do ICSI, but because of J’s numbers it would probably be in our best interest. He did advise that there are some higher risks associated with ICSI, just so we can make an informed decision. I asked him what he thought our best option might be, and he said if it were not for the cost of IVF he would take IUI off the table completely.

That is sort of what I figured his opinion might be (and am happy to have my thoughts validated). Based on the research and reading I have done after 3 IUIs the likelihood of it working drops (based on success rate %). So in my mind, why would we not move onto IVF? Obviously money is a factor, in that we have to pay for it ourselves, but if that is the only reason against jumping straight into it then it is not really a consideration for me. We will find the money.

Dr. M could tell from my questions and thoughts that our minds were pretty much already made up. I sort of verbalized my thought process to him, and he agreed and said that I was taking the logical route and not basing my decision on emotion or money (I am a very analytical person, so he hit the nail on the head with that comment). He had a short power point on his computer just going over the process for an IVF cycle (which I pretty much already knew from all you brave IVF ladies who have gone before me). He gave me a requisition for a SHG (sonohysterogram), an AFC (antral follicle count) and for me to redo my day 3 bloodwork. After all that is done, we are good to go (so long as they don’t find any problems).

When he was reviewing our file he noted that he had J listed as a smoker, and questioned whether that was still the case which J guiltily admitted it was. Dr. M strongly advised that he quit smoking and we give it 3 months for the nicotine to get out of his system as it can reduce the success of IVF by up to 25%. That seemed really high to me, but he said if he were in our shoes he wouldn’t be gambling that kind of money on subpar sperm, and I tend to agree. Even before our IUIs I told J I wouldn’t do it until he quit smoking, which he did, for a very short period of time. But this time, it is all or nothing. I’m not messing around. For all I’ll have to go through, he can throw out his gawd damn cancer sticks. His smoking is a rather sore subject with me, and everytime we see Dr. M he shames J for it, which I know J hates (good!). So we think he might need to take Champix or something, because he needs to try harder. The annoying thing is, when I first met him he was a regular smoker, and after about 4 months of us dating he quit, cold turkey, and stayed that way for over 4 years. So I know he can do it yet he won’t give it his best effort for probably the most important thing in our lives.

J and I talked, or rather I talked at him telling how it makes me feel as though he doesn’t care as much as I do because he won’t quit smoking. I told him I know that’s not the case, but it’s perception that I have and it really hurts my feelings. He gets sort of defensive about smoking and I could tell when we were in Dr. M’s office that he was getting uncomfortable/annoyed. At home tonight he said that he didn’t want to question Dr. M but how do so many smokers have babies? Again, just sounds like he’s trying to make excuses for his smoking but I told him that obviously smokers can have babies but in our case because we are already at a disadvantage his smoking just made it worse. And I’m not willing to fork out several thousand dollars on nicotine filled sperm. I told him he needs to do something that will work. I suggested we put a calendar on the fridge and cross days off. That way he’s more accountable to me (without me nagging) but can also see his success. Plus some sort of smoking cessation aid is in order.

So after all of this discussion, it looks as though our soonest IVF cycle would be August, to give J’s swimmers a chance to recuperate from nicotine, and get him back on some supplements. Which is ok, I suppose as we’re not quite ready to jump into this head first. The only thing that I slightly dislike about this is our tentative due date if all goes well, but obviously I am getting way ahead of myself, and at this point beggars can’t be choosers.

I also had questions about fresh vs frozen cycles, keeping remaining embryos, twins, ect. Dr. M gave us the stats that fresh cycles for women under 35 yrs old was 64.2% positive pregnancy, and 54.1% live birth rate, vs 70.5% positive pregnancy from a frozen cycle, and 53.7% live birth rate. So overall, I guess they shake out the same, because I don’t care about just getting pregnant, but getting our take home baby. There are some risks that come with using ICSI, such as higher rates of birth defects and genetic imprinting disorders (still very low, like 0.9% with ICSI as opposed to 0.3% with natural conception, which is minimal but 3 times higher than natural). I think I would still go ahead with ICSI just because I can’t take the thought of doing IVF without ICSI and not getting anything.

Dr. M said that more than likely I would over stimulate, and that he would rather have that than under stimulate. He said if I did over stimulate then they would do a freeze all and wait to transfer the frozen embies on the next cycle. He also said that the clinics frozen success rate has continued to increase and eventually he would like to stop doing fresh transfers at all, so it would give time to recover from retrieval and build the lining back up. That was very surprising to me, but I trust him and and I know he will do what’s best. Plus, overall with an overstimulation it would stand to reason we would end up with more eggs.

Dr. M did also suggest that they generally transfer 2 embryos which I am opposed to (depending on the quality, I suppose). Again, ultimately it is our choice, but he is the professional and I respect his opinion. He gives us full control of what we do, he said he likes us to be informed. Not like the days before the internet when a Drs word was gospel (I mean it’s still held with high esteem, but we all know there are Drs out there that don’t know their head from their ass). He wants us to be active participants, and ultimately we are in charge. He tells us that we’re the boss. I would really have to wait and see the quality of the embryos before making this call as I am very opposed to carrying/having twins. I think after having suffered through infertility, all of the sudden having two babies might be just too much. I don’t even necessarily know if I want more than one child. Plus with all the risks associated with twins, I would really just like to have a simple, uncomplicated singleton pregnancy. I know this is not the opinion of everyone and some of my fellow bloggers are currently pregnant with twins (hello instant family!) but it is not for me.

I also questioned him on what would happen if we did a successful cycle, and ended up with extra embryos on ice. He said it is a couple hundred dollars a year to keep them in the cryobank and then if we want to use them for another child in the future we can. He also said, if we decide not to use them we can donate them to science, donate them to another couple, or have them destroyed (he didn’t say it that way, but essentially that’s what would happen).

Now, in theory I am pro-choice, I don’t necessarily believe in life beginning at conception (settle down, I’m not trying to get into an abortion argument). However, if it were mine and J’s genetic material that we worked so hard to create, I would have a difficult time just letting them “expire” (that’s what Dr. M called it). On the other hand, I am not so comfortable donating to another couple, as much as I would like to help someone out of infertility. If I were in the case of not being able to use our own genetics I don’t know what I would do. But then again, you never know until you are put in that position.

I voiced this to Dr. M and he agreed that he is of the same belief (pro-choice), but put in our shoes he doesn’t know how he would make that decision either. He said, once you create these children from your embryos, the remaining ones could have just as easily ended up as a baby and then it’s not so black and white.

All in all, I feel good about what was discussed. J stayed pretty silent the whole time (as usual at our appointments). The one thing that made me want to scream is that just before we were leaving Dr. M said because we are “unexplained” we could be one of those couples that just goes on holidays and gets pregnant. Not that he suggesting that would happen necessarily, but just that it was possible because according to him there is no good reason why we haven’t had any success. I replied that I almost hope that doesn’t happen because then I will just perpetuate the stereotype of “just relax”.

J and I discussed everything over dinner and we’ve decided we are going to plan for IVF in August, but still continue to pursue a job transfer with J’s company. If nothing happens before August then we just let it go, and move forward with IVF. If we do get a transfer, then we put IVF on hold for the time being. It makes me feel a lot better having some sort of a timeline, instead of just floating in limbo. It feels good to have a plan, and a goal. Some thing to move forward to. Now I don’t even know what I want more, a transfer or IVF! We’ll most likely get both eventually, so I should be thankful for that.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, congrats, gold star! I’m sure if we head down the IVF path I will be looking to the wise IVF veterans for advice. Until then, we are going to enjoy life with out fertility treatments, before we possibly have to bring out the big guns.