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Right around the time we were referred to our fertility clinic I took up yoga. I wanted to be able to do something productive with my body, relieve stress, and take up some sort of hobby. I’m not a very athletic person, so yoga seemed a good fit, something gentle and slow. I went every Sunday up until June of last year, right before we started our IVF cycle. It would have been the best time to keep going but with the busyness of the summer and the physical limits during the stimming process, it just fell by the wayside.
Yesterday I went back for the first time. It was also the longest I’ve been away from baby C and the first time she had to take a bottle of breast milk. It was strange being back in the class, there were a few familiar faces, including the instructor. The class began, and the poses were familiar, my body knew what to do. Yet it did feel different, the strength and flexibility I once had is hidden from lack of use. Plus my body has been through enormous changes, and won’t truly ever be the way it was.
Sort of like my mind, my sense of self has been changed permanently. Being in that class again took me back, made me reflect on who and where I was the last time I was there. I had already been through a lot but the next part of our journey was to be the most gruelling. So although I am starting to heal, and I’m not currently battling with my infertility, there are parts of me forever changed. No matter how hard I try or how much I work, I can’t make myself fit into the person I once was (or my yoga pants…yet).