#Microblog Mondays: Heal Over

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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Isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard

It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer, baby
‘Cause you’ll heal over
Heal over, heal over someday

And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf
Because pain is built to last

Everybody sails alone
Oh, but we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds

Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer, baby
‘Cause you’ll heal over
Heal over, heal over someday

Then don’t hold on but don’t let go
I know it’s so hard
You’ve got to try to trust yourself
I know it’s so hard, so hard, yeah

Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer, baby, yeah
‘Cause you’ll heal over
Heal over, heal over someday

Yeah you’re gonna heal over

SONGWRITERS
TUNSTALL, KT

This song has always resonated with me, through break ups and hard times but especially when facing infertility. It reminded me that I was not alone, and I would get through, though the pain is lasting. I hope it might offer some solace and strength to those still fighting, and to us still healing because “pain is built to last”.

*Ps. Check out the song with music as well, it’s really beautiful.

Whoa, Baby!

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Well, life has been trucking along lately, and I don’t know where the time has gone. We hit 20 weeks yesterday, officially half way there! I have a feeling the second half is going to be tougher as I get larger and larger.

We had our anatomy scan a week ago today, and everything looked great. It was so crazy to be able to see all of her organs, spine, 10 fingers and 10 toes. She is measuring ahead by about a week so the ultrasound tech asked which one of us was a 10 lb baby when we were born (neither actually…). All I could think was “Oh please don’t let me have a huge baby”. I am a petite person and I can’t see getting a big baby out of me any way but a c-section (which I really hope to avoid). We got to see her moving all around and now that I can feel her it was quite cool to simultaneously see and feel the movement. The ultrasound tech did confirm that she is in fact a girl. I had this irrational notion that the blood work was wrong and that it was a boy instead (not that it would be a problem, just something different to wrap my head around).

Since she is measuring ahead, I am not sure if I should prepare for her coming a bit early and take my leave from work sooner than planned. I was thinking of finishing mid August, to give myself 2 weeks before her due date, but I fear if she comes early I won’t have any time off before she gets here. So then I think maybe I should consider leaving the after the first week of August just in case. I don’t want to have too much time on my hands, but I would like some. And I have to give my workplace notice at least 6 weeks before I intend to leave which could be as soon as late June! That feels really soon! I know babies come on their own time, and all of my fretting and planning may be for naught if she’s really early, or really late. But it doesn’t stop me…

Though we haven’t reached viability yet, it feels like we’ve turned a corner and things are starting to get a bit more real. J and I are taking a road trip to visit BIL and SIL and pillage all of their baby stuff this weekend. So I guess we will soon be filling Poppet’s room with clothes, and toys and whatever other baby items we decide to take borrow.

My instinct to “get stuff done” is starting to kick in, as I went on a frenzy organizing and tidying things yesterday and I am starting to make a registry (online, I can’t bring myself to go in-store with the gun). More as a shopping list for myself than anything, no one has asked what we need (yet) and I don’t have any showers planned (yet).

I’ve been reading Lucie’s List to try to figure out what I need, and what style/brand/type/ect. I might want and it has been intensely overwhelming so I don’t really know that I’ve made any decisions, I mostly just feel like I’m going in circles. I know all of my mommy friends have opinions on what’s best but most of them live in large houses in suburbia, whereas I live in a 2 bedroom apartment condo in the middle of the city so their needs and my needs may differ (plus money is a factor for me…not as much for some of them).

I bought a new pair of maternity leggings the other day, and the store that I bought them from gave me a bunch of baby coupons, and an evenflo bottle (some sort of promotion). That was weird, having this one single bottle so I just chucked it in the spare room with all of the other random miscellany.

We’re trying to train our smaller dog to sleep in his new bed on the floor, rather than in our bed. For one, he is making me uncomfortable when I sleep because he has to snuggle right up against me which makes me warm and being that I move around a lot at night he is taking up too much space (even though he’s only 10 lbs). Plus once the baby comes and I am up and down all night, I need him to just stay put and not in our bed. It’s a work in progress, he always starts out on the floor but how do I stop him getting in the bed in the middle of the night when I’m asleep? Sometime I kick him out and make him go back to his bed, but often times I can’t be bothered.

I feel baby kicks quite frequently now but it is still hard to get used to, it is such a weird feeling and quite startling sometimes! But then when she doesn’t kick I worry, so no winning there. They’ll only get stronger over time and I’ll wish for these little tiny kicks. My belly is getting bigger, I don’t feel like it is all that big for being 50% of the way but I suppose much of the growth will be in the months to come. I’ve been steadily gaining about a pound a week which I am happy with. Trying to eat healthy (key word: try) and it’s going well most of the time, but I am just always hungry so sometimes my urges get the better of me.

The people around me; coworkers, clients and the general public, are really starting to grate on my nerves (which are in short supply lately) so I find myself wanting to hermit myself at home but, unfortunately I have to work and you know, conduct my life. So I try to keep my mouth shut and walk away (when I can) from situations that begin to rattle me.

I’ve had a few clients ask me about my future holiday plans and usually this is when I end up divulging that I don’t have any because we’re having a baby. Depending on the person, sometimes I’ll just tell them we’re going on a quick weekend getaway in May and leave it at that. Yesterday I had a couple at my desk and it came about that I was pregnant. The wife showed surprise, and her husband said “well didn’t you see her little baby belly?!”. I laughed and told him most people won’t say anything just in case I have a pudgy belly. It’s the first time I’ve had a stranger acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant and it was a bit weird.

So overall, things are going well, besides the fact that I am a bit cranky. I am thankful for a good anatomy scan and the so-far uneventful progress of this pregnancy. Though it’s starting to feel more real that I have a baby inside me, I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to be the mother of a little girl. It’s just something I could never imagine and I still can’t fathom it. Then I think, “holy shit, I have to take care of this little person for the rest of my life” (because let’s be real, it’s not just 18 years). I mean, I knew this is what I was signing up for when we got into this whole baby making business but it is still scary, and unbelievable. I still see myself through different eyes and feel like a fraudulent adult. They’re just going to let me take a (my) baby home from the hospital, no question?

The parenting part freaks me out, but we’ll figure it out. Most other people do, so I figure we’re no different. I know it will be hard, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself (though I know that’s not truly possible).

Right now here’s my fear list;

1) Not making it to viability, or having her come extremely early, because even if we make it past the magical 25 weeks doesn’t mean everything will be just fine.

2) Her being bigger than my pelvis, and then being in labor for days on end, pushing, trying to get her out, forceps/vacuum and then having to have a c-section anyways. (Happened to my sister in law with her first).

3) My after baby self (body and mind). I have serious fears of postpartum depression, and how I am going to handle everything once she’s here. I feel like infertility has shown me some of the strength I didn’t know I had, but I am still scared (though I feel like it would be weird if I wasn’t). I’m also concerned about having to recover from a c-section, and even if not, I’m sure things are going to be a bit of a mess for a while after.

4) Being a parent! (‘Nuff said).

So if you’ve made it through my random ramblings, kudos! I hope to continue with an uneventful, yet healthy pregnancy for the next 20 or so weeks.

#Microblog Mondays: The Feedback Loop

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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Lately I’ve been more irritable and impatient than ever. Now let me be honest and admit that even before I became pregnant I was not the most tolerant or patient person anyways. But I can tell it’s gotten worse, and it tends to create a negative feedback loop between J and I.

* I get annoyed at something he says or does (or doesn’t say or do)

* I get all irritable and grumpy/snarky

* He then gets all irritable and grumpy/snarky because I am

The infinite feedback loop at work. I can see it happening, but it’s hard to control from the inside and I get annoyed because I feel like he has no right to be annoyed. I’m the pregnant one! (Though I realise putting up with me is surely tiresome).

It’s little things that set me off more than big; I couldn’t find a USB stick the day before our ultrasound appointment (we needed it to get the pictures), my coworkers’ vapid conversations, when I am hungry and don’t know what to eat (this is a bad one, as my hunger only increases my annoyance).

I get that I have a lot of hormones coursing through my body, but I don’t like feeling out of control of my body/emotions (common IF theme here…). Hopefully I can keep everything in check until babe gets here, but I have a feeling then it’s going to be a whole other ball of wax!

#Microblog Mondays: Flutters

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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For the past few weeks my pregnancy apps have been telling me I can expect to feel flutters of movement soon, so when I think of it I have been paying keen attention to see if I felt anything. For the first couple weeks I was disappointed that I felt nothing. Then one day I had what could have been general stomach rumblings, gas movement, ect. Except it wasn’t, it just felt different but very subtle and infrequent. That was about a week and a half ago. The feeling is still quite subtle but I can count on it more after dinner when I am quietly sitting on the couch, or at bedtime. It’s almost like someone is softly drumming their fingers inside my uterus. It’s very weird, but very cool.

Last night she gave a few little kick kicks, and then one mighty WOMP! It was still very soft, but definitively different. J asked me what I was doing because I was laying really still and staring off into space. I told him I was bonding with Poppet* and he gave me a bit of a frowny face because it’s much too soft for him to feel anything on the outside yet and poutily exclaimed that I get 9 months of bonding. It’s a new and exciting time to actually be able to feel her, and I can’t wait until her kicks get stronger and more frequent (I’m sure I’ll regret that wish when she’s digging into my ribs or kicking me in the bladder). I really can’t wait until J can feel her, he is so enthralled with her, and my belly and I know he feels a bit left out now that I am feeling her, and he’s not. Another tangible step in the direction of pregnancy progression!

*I will continue to call her Poppet in my blog, we use her real name in the privacy of our home but until she’s here, it will be under wraps.

The Pregnancy Chronicles

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Lately I haven’t been blogging much, save for my (not-so-micro) #Microblog Mondays. I don’t always know what to say or how to say it. I have complicated feelings about pregnancy, and specifically me being pregnant. I will say I am part thrilled and part terrified (still). Obviously this was the goal, and I am so excited to meet our daughter but I am scared out of my mind about being a parent, and being responsible for a life. Pregnancy is also not all sunshine and lollipops, not that I thought it would be, but when you are aggressively drugging your body to cooperate into getting pregnant these are the things you push to the back of your mind.

As of now I am 18 weeks along (nearly halfway!) and the second trimester has definitely been nicer than the first. I almost never have any nausea anymore (save for when I am brushing my teeth, my gag reflex is really strong right now and I generally only have vomiting episodes due to tooth brushing). I am hungry all. the. time. I am a pretty petite person, and I’ve always had a small appetite so when I can pack in more food than my hubby I find it rather amusing. I still haven’t gained a ton of weight, about a pound a week which I’ve read is average. I didn’t really gain any in the first tri, and may have actually lost a couple, as I was sick in the mornings and the rest of the time I still didn’t have much of an appetite. The morning sickness started subsiding around week 13 or 14, it’s hard to remember now, it was a gradual shift and the nausea was really at its peak between weeks 8 – 12.

We’ve used our at home doppler a couple of times, and it is my favorite thing, listening to the racing heartbeat inside my belly. Last time we recorded it, and text it to the grandmas to be, which I thought was pretty cute. So now I have it on my phone, and sometimes listen to it just because. We have our anatomy scan on Apr. 9 and I can’t wait to see her again. It was so amazing seeing her at 12 weeks when she looked like an actual baby, and was flailing and wiggling all around. I am excited to see how she’s grown, and hope that everything measures normally.

So far I still have a relatively small bump, it’s definitely there but if you didn’t know I was pregnant I don’t think you would immediately make that assumption upon my appearance. If I hadn’t told any of my coworkers, I could have hidden it longer, in looser tops and sweaters but it is just easier not having to hide it. I still feel awkward telling my clients (and I only say something if the conversation steers that way), but eventually I won’t have to say anything, and let my belly do the talking. Our neighbor in our condo building hasn’t seemed to notice, and I see her pretty frequently so I guess I am still pretty small even though some days I already feel like I am getting huge (and I have so far to go!). My boobs are definitely bigger, not a ton bigger, but I am very small chested, and I almost have a bit of cleavage now which is pretty awesome for me!

I still have weird bump envy/inadequate bump feelings. Because I am still not showing too much, I don’t always “feel” pregnant without the large and in charge physical appearance. It mostly just makes me uncomfortable if I am in a baby/pregnancy-centric situations; baby stores, maternity stores, prenatal yoga, expectant mother parking spots (which I still won’t use). I also don’t “feel” pregnant because I am not sick anymore, and I don’t have as many weird symptoms. The all day hunger, frequent headaches, and expanding waistline help me remember but most days I feel pretty normal. So I am sort of just coasting right now.

Except when I try to sleep, that is a whole other thing. I have to sleep on my side, which I hate, but I do have a snoogle (which I also sort of hate) that my SIL gave me. It helps me stay on my side, but no matter what I do my hips get sore in the night, leaving me constantly tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. I don’t have to pee in the night (hallelujah for that!) but I find I wake up around 5 am, and don’t fall back asleep until just before my alarm goes off (convenient). I find I feel most unwell when I’ve had a really bad nights sleep, and potentially adding to the headache situation. I love to sleep so it makes me really sad that I am so uncomfortable all the time. Such is life, just as I’m about to lose a good nights sleep for the next 18 years, pregnancy robs me of it early, just when I need it most.

I am still having a bit of a hard time connecting myself with being a pregnant person. I’m getting used to people who know commenting on my belly, or things to come but I still have a hard time with the words coming out of my mouth. It’s still sort of abstract I guess, I’m waiting to feel movement to help it seem more tangible. Seeing her at the ultrasound will help as well, for a short time at least. Beyond that, it’s still too early (for me) to be buying things, or really doing much to get ready for her arrival. We did buy a dresser, sort of spur of the moment at the Habitat for Humanity REstore as it was a ridiculously good deal and just exactly what I wanted (even though I didn’t know it until I saw it). It needs to be stripped and repainted which I am hoping we can handle but if it is a big failure, no harm no foul. We’ve been gifted a few small items that currently reside in the dresser, and the spare room has been mostly cleared out of the junk that used to inhabit it, but beyond that it just sits empty. We have a good idea of the colors we’d like to use (I love redecorating but I get really specific, near impossible things set in my mind that make it difficult) so I am excited to start buying decor pieces, but still holding off for now.

The spare room was always a bit of a sore point because we always wanted to turn it into a nursery, and now we are finally getting the chance. Right now it is just a mostly empty room, which is somewhat haunting. We used to keep the door closed because one of our dogs like to go in there and poop on the bed (territorial thing or something). Now the bed is gone, so we leave the door open, and the sun that comes through east facing window of the room bathes it in sunlight every morning. It looks so inviting but I still caution myself, one step at a time. I am just getting used to the idea of the room, before we start filling it with baby items.

We’ve had several people offer to give us their old baby items but so far I haven’t taken anyone up on their generosity. I don’t want to start collecting things and bringing them into the house just yet, my superstitious sense getting the best of me yet. J noted that he feels like we should be buying stuff, that it’s making him anxious that we’re not getting prepared. I replied that getting everything too early makes me anxious. As morbid as it may sound, there is no point in buying anything before we hit viability and that’s going to be my sticking point for any major purchases. My mother in law wants to hoard diapers for us now? Go for it, but they’re staying at her house. My BIL and SIL have tons of baby stuff from their two little girls and we need to go visit them (3 hrs away) and spend some time going through it. J wants to go sometime this month (and I potentially won’t be able to go so there may be a skype session involved). We are going on a weekend getaway at the end of May for our 5 year wedding anniversary that will take us right through their city so I suggested stopping in on our way home. By then I’ll be 26 weeks, and more willing to believe we’re bringing a baby home.

I have no true reason to be so paranoid, I’ve never had a miscarriage, a failed transfer or even a “chemical pregnancy”, it’s just I’ve seen what others have gone through, and up until this point my body hadn’t cooperated in getting pregnant so I guess my mind just leaps to the worst. It is still surreal and just seems like pretend. When I really stop to think about the fact that I am pregnant I am flooded with overwhelming happiness that we’re on the pregnancy roller coaster now instead of the infertility roller coaster, but it is still tinged with guilt for those left behind. Infertility has robbed me of confidence in my body.

We are taking things a day at a time, and (knock on wood) so far, so good. I like to think I am in the eye of the storm that is pregnancy; through the first trimester, but awaiting what’s to come in the third. It feels like nothing is happening right now, but soon will be baby showers, buying massively expensive baby items, and getting increasingly large and I’m sure time will disappear quickly. I’m not in love with being pregnant (though I think it is pretty amazing what our bodies can do), and I think that’s ok for me, or any other infertile-turned-pregnant woman. The goal isn’t really to be pregnant, it’s to get a baby out of all of this expense, heart ache and hard work. And that is my end game.