#Microblog Mondays: Muscle Memory

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Right around the time we were referred to our fertility clinic I took up yoga. I wanted to be able to do something productive with my body, relieve stress, and take up some sort of hobby. I’m not a very athletic person, so yoga seemed a good fit, something gentle and slow. I went every Sunday up until June of last year, right before we started our IVF cycle. It would have been the best time to keep going but with the busyness of the summer and the physical limits during the stimming process, it just fell by the wayside. 

Yesterday I went back for the first time. It was also the longest I’ve been away from baby C and the first time she had to take a bottle of breast milk. It was strange being back in the class, there were a few familiar faces, including the instructor. The class began, and the poses were familiar, my body knew what to do. Yet it did feel different, the strength and flexibility I once had is hidden from lack of use. Plus my body has been through enormous changes, and won’t truly ever be the way it was.

Sort of like my mind, my sense of self has been changed permanently. Being in that class again took me back, made me reflect on who and where I was the last time I was there. I had already been through a lot but the next part of our journey was to be the most gruelling. So although I am starting to heal, and I’m not currently battling with my infertility, there are parts of me forever changed. No matter how hard I try or how much I work, I can’t make myself fit into the person I once was (or my yoga pants…yet).

#Microblog Mondays: Who’s Really In Control?

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Life has shifted so much in the past year. This time last year I was in Vegas for a friend’s wedding, and had just gotten my period unexpectedly while there. The timing was terrible as I needed to be home for monitoring so yet another FET didn’t get derailed. It got delayed anyways due to cysts, and I wasn’t in a great head space. 

On the flip side of that, a week and a half ago I had my 6-week postpartum check up, which involved discussing birth control. I definitely wanted to get back on some form of contraception; as I said to my OB, I know it took IVF for me to get pregnant but I am not about to let myself “accidentally” get pregnant now. So last week I had the Mirena IUD put in, up to 5 years of automatic birth control. It’s the first time in three and a half years that I’ve prevented pregnancy and it’s a bit strange.

I may not have had much say in getting pregnant but I can certainly prevent it. It’s a bit of a false sense of control though; I may be able to choose not to get pregnant right now, but if and when the time comes that we want to try for another child I’ll be thrown back to the land of IF, where it’s all a game of percentages, and a bit of dumb luck. And then I’ll have to admit that I never really had control at all. 

#Microblog Mondays: The Green Eyed Monster Lives On

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.                 

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While struggling to conceive and all throughout our fertility treatments those who became pregnant, made pregnancy announcements, had baby photos, mentioned anything to do with babies, starting a family, ect. received thoughts of jealousy and depending on the person, sheer annoyance. I know this is not unique to me. The interesting thing is now that I have a baby of my own, I still have these feelings. 

While in the hospital just after having baby C, a friend of a friend posted a pregnancy announcement for her third child on Face.book. Something about adding more laundry to their family with a little onsie hanging on a clothesline. It was cute, but I immediately rolled my eyes and scrolled past; while in the hospital with a baby if my own, I still viewed it with disdain. Maybe because the cutesy Face.book announcement isn’t my style, or that I’m not personally friends with her, maybe that would change my feelings, but only to a point. 

A couple of weeks after baby C was born, my mom told me my cousin was pregnant. I’m not surprised as she’s been married for a couple if years, and they are my age. In society’s eyes, the perfect time to start a family. I am happy for her, she is a family member I have always got on well with, and we grew up close being that we are only 3 months apart in age. But it still stings. And I think it always will. Despite the fact that I got my wish, it was certainly not without pain and struggle. And that doesn’t go away easily. 

An Emotional Release

Two days after baby C was born I posted news of her arrival on Face.book. I knew it was finally time for me to be open about how our sweet baby girl came to be. I struggled over what to say, and how to say it. I didn’t want to come off as a bitter, ranting infertile. Though the urge to lecture the masses was strong, I didn’t want to detract from the birth of our child.

In the end I went with this;

Aug. 26 at 6:15pm we welcomed our baby daughter Camira Grace to the world weighing in at 7lbs9oz. After years of struggling to conceive, we managed with the help of an amazing team of Drs and nurses of the XYZ Regional Fertility clinic. We are overjoyed that she is finally here, excited and nervous for what lies ahead but she is certainly our greatest adventure to come.

I also posted a picture of her as a day 5 embryo and a newborn shot, side by side and labeled. Admittedly it was a bit vague and focused more on the fact that she’s here as opposed to what we went through. But for me, it was enough. I’m a private person and that hasn’t changed but I felt obligated to not hide how our baby came to be. People need to know getting pregnant, and having a baby aren’t guarantees in life and I hope I’ve opened some people’s eyes to that. 

I ran it by J before I hit post, and after I sent it out into the world it felt like a weight off my chest. We held each other and the tears flowed. I was surprised at the emotion that came forward with this revelation. At that time I think it all hit me; we were home with our new baby, we finally made it. I don’t think that we beat infertility per se, but we survived it and persevered  against the odds.

We didn’t get a huge reaction to the infertility aspect of the post, mostly just congratulations on our new baby. A few people commented on our journey with nothing but positivity (not that I expected anything negative). And that’s fine. Our truth is out there now and we are moving forward with the new addition to our family.