#Microblog Mondays: Control

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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All throughout this journey with infertility, control was a big issue. Mainly, a lack of it. Infertility takes so many things away, and one of the main things is control. Control of your body, control of your life, control of your emotions. It’s one of the things I struggled hardest with, and rallied against as if I could wrestle some control back. In some ways you can; you control the decisions you make (the ones you are left with once the cards fall where they may), and how you handle each next step, heartbreak and unexpected turn. But overall, the whole experience feels like a giant free fall.

Once I finally fell pregnant, the control issue didn’t get a lot better. Though I am (somewhat) in control of my body, as in what I put in it, and how I treat it, I knew anything could happen and that getting pregnant didn’t immediately equal baby. I have been trying to take it day by day and week by week, and it has gotten somewhat easier as time has gone on.

We’ve reached a point where we are prepping for a real live baby to come into our lives. I just did a load of baby laundry, with scent free, gentle detergent. We have a glider, a stroller, a dresser and tons of clothes. It’s so surreal. The nursery has become a place where I focus my energy, after all the time we’ve waited, I want it to be perfect, just like the vision in my head. And that’s a hard task, especially when money has to be taken into account (whereas my dreams do not have a budget, reality does). In a way, it feels like a distraction from all of that which I don’t have control over. I can’t control much to do with our pregnancy besides treating my body right, so I focus on the physical space and exert all of my control on that.

I’ve spent hours searching for the exact right curtains, the perfect rug, the thing that will perfect the space (even if I don’t know what it is yet). I ordered a glider, only to have it come in what I thought was the wrong colour. We sent it back, and had a new one shipped out. It came in today; still the wrong colour. Apparently it is completely misrepresented on the website, and it drives me crazy! The bedding we have picked out is showing not available online or in store right now. I called 1-800-BIGBOX store to find out if it was discontinued, but they show it is just out of stock, with no idea when it would be available again. It took me forever to find something that I loved and I will be so upset if we can’t get it. It’s on our registry, so we’ve been waiting to see if someone buys it for us, but now if I see it available again, I might just buy it myself.

But overall, I have to tell myself to realize that none of it really matters. I’d like to think that I’ve learned a little something throughout this journey. I need to stop worrying about the things I can’t control, and focus on those that I can, like just loving this baby with all my heart. Because that is definitely a life lesson I’ll need to remember when dealing with this new little person coming into our lives.

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11 thoughts on “#Microblog Mondays: Control

  1. Oh, and just wait til you try to impose order on a little one – and just when you think you have it down pat, they throw you a curveball. I bet you won’t even see the colour of the glider when you are holding your child.

  2. I really do think that the experience changes you. I STILL have control issues, and I know a lot of it stems from feeling out of control all those years.

    I hope the room comes together, that all the pieces come in at the right time. (And since it’s a wish, I’m going to add that they all come back into stock, in the right colours, and on sale!)

    • Yes, I think this could be a long learned lesson with me struggling to remember that a lot of the time I am not in control.
      Thank you for the well wishes on the nursery, I hope so too!

  3. The desire for control runs deep, especially after infertility for many. What is important is that you are aware of it, so you can address it and try to make peace with it. I have a feeling you will have a lovely nursery. Hope it comes together nicely soon!

  4. I could have written the first two paragraphs on feeling the loss of control. Pregnancy accentuated the feeling that I had no control, by raising the stakes. It sounds like designing the nursery is a helpful outlet for your feelings. I internalized the lack of control by becoming a hypochondriac during pregnancy (the complete opposite of my usual self!) I called the ob/gyn for everything from a headache to inflamed lymph glands (the last was completely imaginary). They were so patient and accommodating! At least with the nursery you will have something to show for your efforts, and I’m sure it will be awesome. I do hope you can get everything “just right” but Deathstar is right: when baby comes you probably won’t care as much.

    • It’s interesting because the nursery seems to be the one thing I put an obsessive strangle hold on but so far have been very lax about everything else, which is not normally my way. I’m a planner and a researcher by nature but lately I just don’t have it in me! I think I am still trying not to get too ahead of myself…

  5. pcosandpizza.blogspot.com

    I recently wrote a post about this…how the mark of infertility is still quite present fir me. How different and isolated I still feel even though pregnant. I realize that I will just never be able to connect with certain people sbout my struggles but it still hurts.

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