Standing at the Edge of a Precipice

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Well, I have to say wow! My readership stats skyrocketed with my last post that contained the most curse words ever in one of my posts. It also received a lot of comments. My readers are naughty monkeys! And apparently also fed up with other peoples pregnancies. Thanks ladies, for not only putting up with my rant, but supporting it. Sometimes it is all just too much. But such is life, everything is all topsy turvey right now but it is the opposite of the regimented TTC schedule we were on. The opportunities are practically endless!

J already has two prelim interviews set up for transfer opportunities! He has one for Monday and another should hopefully be sometime next week, or if not early the following week. One on the East coast of the US, and one on the West. I’m really rooting for the West coast one. I want to be a California girl (do you have Katy Perry stuck in your head now??). But in any case, it is promising. He has gotten two no’s so far, one of the opportunities had found someone else already and the other didn’t have it in the budget to sponsor a non US citizen. We still have yet to hear from 5 other locations, so there are lots of other players.

The one issue that we hadn’t considered was the sponsorship. We knew they would have to sponsor us for visas, but they do it all the time for workers from all over the world, so we thought it would sort of be a non issue. But I guess the fact is, American citizens would probably take priority over us, so we’re just hoping they see the value in paying for J to come work for them.

Pressure is on now and J is feeling it. He has been contacted by 4 opportunities so far, and we’re batting at 50%, but since he’s applied for 9 in total, that’s not bad. We don’t want all of them to say yes, though it would be good if our top choices come through. So far of the two that have expressed interest one is in th top 3, and the other is in the bottom (not quite last though). But, I still wouldn’t say no to any of the places he’s applied. Only time will tell now. If we get one to say yes to sponsorship that could still take 1 – 3 months so we still have time to get things sorted out. We still haven’t told the parents yet, but we’re thinking we’re going to have to very soon since shit just got real this week.

Last night J seemed really stressed because he feels like they’re all coming in at once and he’s trying to coordinate interviews, plus his dad is in the hospital for a minor surgery, and we’ve just got a lot going on. Apparently he had a chat with two of his bosses and gave them the rundown (including IF). His higher up boss, who is a big mentor for J, told him he supports him, but for us to consider what we are giving up by leaving; comfortable home, stable jobs, family and friends. He also said not to run away from our problems, because it will follow us no matter where we go. I was a little taken aback by that comment, but he doesn’t know the whole story and I could see how it appears that is what we are doing.

I asked J if he felt like we were running away, and agreed that we’re not. I asked him if he was still ok with the decision we’ve made to leave; does leaving rank higher with him than staying and continuing IF treatment? His answer surprised me. He said it flip flops daily, but sometimes he just thinks we should “just go to the hospital and do IVF”. Literally, what he said. I got a little defensive and snapped it’s not just that easy, which he quickly answered back that he realises that. I then chose to ignore his comment. It’s the first time in this journey that we’re not totally in sync. He is still wishy washy, whereas I am already moving forwrd in my mind, and putting TTC on pause. Plus we’re already started down this road to leave and I think it will be awesome for us.

He just recently has really been affected by our struggle. With the failed IUI’s it has been really hard on him. And prior to that, the failed natural cycles have disappointed him too, but I feel like he’s way behind me in the stress/grief/struggle and he has a lot more energy to expend on it, especially as each cycle is not as taxing on him as it is on me. So, although it may be unfair, I have trump card.

I’m impatient now to hear back for these different opportunities. Even though the sponsorship may take a bit of time, just knowing that the ball is rolling in a particular direction will be nice. And somehow I am waiting on a schedule other than my own again…

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What the Fuckity Fuck?

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Sorry, I know that’s not a very ladylike title, but for real. What. The. Fuck. In the past month I’ve had two friends announce accidental pregnancies, plus I have a bajillion other pregnant friends. I am at the magical age where all of my friends are having kids. I was one of the first to get engaged and married, and now everyone else is whizzing past me in their quest to build their families. It seems like just in the past 6 months there’s been at least one or two pregnancy announcements every month. I have two friends that are pregnant with twins! That is ridiculous! I don’t even have that many friends, how can all of them be getting pregnant!? And it’s one thing from the married folk; you’ve been married for a couple of years? Ok fair enough, it was probably time. You literally just got married? Settle down, it’s not a race. You’re not even married (not that it matters, but what I’m saying is that you had no plans for a baby in your future, never mind a wedding)? Fuck you.

Frick, so annoyed. Facebook pisses me off so much sometimes, but I just can’t give it up. I love most other aspects of it, and I keep in touch with a lot of people that way (I know, I should have, you know, real life relationships with people). I don’t really post a lot on Facebook, I mostly just use it to keep track of what’s going on with my friends, and I like it that way. I’ve taken to deleting or blocking anyone who  pisses me off on Facebook. I’ll usually give them two chances, but after that? Buh-bye. It is liberating to remove offenders from my circle, but when I do it, then I think “But what if I miss something, because I don’t have them as a friend anymore”. Ok, it sounds sort of pathetic when I say it out loud. Hence forth (yes, I am speaking like a medieval person) any moron who offends my delicate nature shall be removed! Pardon me while I go clean my friends list…

*Sorry for the rant-y, curse-y post, I literally just saw the 2nd friends pregnancy announcement. They “just couldn’t wait”. They’re due in September. Way to jump the gun. Assholes.

Life’s Complications

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I don’t really know when or how it happened, but overtime I’ve become a grown up, with grown up problems and grown up responsibilities. I remember the days when life’s difficult decisions involved how to wear my hair (ok, let’s be fair this is still a problem) or who I was crushing on at the moment. Now I have bills, responsibilities, a big girl job, a husband, dogs to take care of, and infertility to deal with. In my mind I sometimes still see myself as the 18 year old version of myself looking over the life I lead now and that part of me wonders, “how did I get here?”. Not always in a bad way, but I’m sometimes just surprised at what grown up life has to offer, what I craved when I was younger is really just the burden of responsibility.

The other night I was digging around in the bathroom to find my birth control pills, and J asked what I was doing, so I told him. Since we decided we are not going to be seeking fertility treatments for a while, I can’t deal with the uncertainty of just not trying, not preventing. J was very surprised that I was starting birth control again, he seemed rather upset that just because we weren’t actively seeking treatment that we couldn’t just see what happens. Ummm, the whole point of taking a break is so that I don’t have to incessantly worry if I’m pregnant or not. And I can’t be one of those people who “accidentally” gets pregnant. Although, I may have said it before, I will say it again; no such thing as an accidental pregnancy. Either you were preventing or you weren’t. We all know how it works. So in any case, I am continuing with my birth control.

J spent the weekend flinging resumes all over the US, and beyond. I’m hoping that things progress fairly quickly now. He will have to see who wants to interview with him, and then we’ll have to decide from those where we would really like to end up. He’ll go through interviews, and have to get paperwork done for his visas, once it gets to that point. We have a vacation booked for the end of April and I’m really hoping we will be close to moving at that point. I am excited with the prospects of a fresh start, but there are aspects of this change that I am not looking forward to, the biggest one being dealing with our family.

I am mostly concerned about J’s mom, but my mom too. Last week my mom and J’s mom went out for coffee together, and J’s mom knows more about our treatments and whats been going on with us than my mom does. So I’m sure they discussed us, our lack of pregnancy thus far and our treatment. But my mom would have probably been hurt to get more information from J’s mom than me. I know this is my fault, since I haven’t shared any of it with her, but if I had it my way, J’s mom wouldn’t know anything either, but J is pretty close with her, and is more open with her than I am with my mom. I just don’t like people knowing what exactly we’re doing, and when because then it is just added pressure of other people wondering “did it work this time?”. It bothers me immensely, so I really hate that even J’s mom knows about it. I know a lot of you out there are very close with your mothers, and discuss your infertility with them candidly. I for one, am not a very open book, with my mom or anyone else. Also, I was an “accidental” pregnancy, so I feel like my mom cannot possibly understand or relate on any level. It’s a terrible form of coincidence.

But, I know we’re going to have to be more open with our immediate families when we tell them we’re leaving. J’s siblings do know we have been trying, and at least have a vague idea that we’ve been seeking treatment, so when we tell them we’re moving they’ll probably be a bit puzzled. It’s going to come as a bit of a shock to everyone I’m sure, as we’ve never mentioned it to anyone yet. J’s mom is not going to like it one bit. She is very attached to her kids, but especially J. We moved to Australia less than a year after we got married and she was a wreck. She was just destroyed, and even when we were in Australia, tried to be constantly in communication with us (thank goodness for Skype). So, not only do we have to break it to her that we will not be giving her any grandchildren soon, we are also removing ourselves from her reach.

We’ve discussed when to tell them, but haven’t come to any conclusions yet. If they were to ask us outright about our pregnancy efforts we would probably come clean, but they generally know better than to come out and ask anymore. My mom makes veiled comments to try and get me to open up but I have the feeling the next time I see her, or talk to her she’s going to come out with it, since I’m sure she’s gleaned some new info from J’s mom and I’ll be forced into coming out with all of it. I think we’ve sort of decided to let it come out organically, when the timing seems right, but if that doesn’t happen before J starts to get serious with a new location we might have to just have to spill the beans.

I know J is really dreading it because I’m sure his mom is going to get very upset, and most likely cry. I know overall my mom will supportive (she has always been that) but sad that I am leaving, as it is just her and I; she is a single parent, and I am her only child. I know it will be a difficult transition when we do move, no matter that it will be exciting and new, finding yourself in a foreign place in a completely new situation is always scary. I am looking forward to the coming weeks though, to see what happens. As much as I feel freed by the fact that we are no longer TTC, and have started to move towards our new future, nothing has changed yet.

I feel a mixture of excitement for the future, unease for the uncertainty, and dread for dealing with our family. When did life get so complicated?

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*Sidenote, J and I watched the beginning of Up (the Disney movie) the other day because he’s never seen it. Wow, forgot how sad it is.

Moving Forward With The Pain

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Today is my 27th birthday (I know, I know, I’m still a baby, or so everyone keeps telling me). I’m not telling you that to garner birthday wishes (but thank you anyways) but rather because birthdays are sort of like the New Year, causes you to reflect back to what you did between now and your last birthday, and life in general. This birthday especially is ushering in a new time in my life. We are pressing pause on TTC to press play on life.

It has still been tough in the past few days. AF made her appearance a day late, because she wanted to make it a special Valentines for me. Bitch. Luckily we don’t bother much with Valentines day, especially because it falls so close to my birthday, I like to think I am giving J a break. He sure did spoil me this year though. I got three days of presents, and we are going out to dinner tonight, and then to see West Side Story on it’s opening night (I won tickets from an online contest with our local news station, how rad is that?!). I don’t have to work today, so I am taking myself for a massage, and a pedicure and generally doing whatever the hell I feel like.

I do have a sort of newfound sense of freedom, even though it has come at the high cost of not being pregnant. We haven’t really said anything to any of our family, or anyone really (I told BFF). It’s still too raw for us, plus we don’t have any concrete plans in place for the future yet. We’ve so far made a list of the places where J has job opportunities (must be warm, or at least warmer than here which isn’t hard, and near water) and he is going to start flinging resumes soon. He did speak to his highest boss about what is going on, because he will have to tell him once he starts applying for jobs (it’s a rule with his company when applying internally). His boss is supportive, as J is highly regarded in his place of work, and I know he will help us in any way possible.

I mentioned previously that this has hit J pretty hard, as I think up until the point when we got our final BFN he had more hope than I did. It was the finality of seeing that single line on our last chance IUI that really hit home. I think he maybe wishes he would have taken his supplements more diligently, quit smoking sooner, worked out more, ect. He has no sense of urgency until a situation is dire, unfortunately, and it takes that direness (is that a word) to light a fire under his ass. It took this to truly break him out of his naiveté in regards to our situation. I think he realizes now that IVF is pretty much going to be our only hope.

Prior to our failed IUI’s I really didn’t want to do IVF because I knew how difficult it would be, and I read all of these other blogs of women going through it, and the inconvenience it brings to daily life, the awful meds, and painful retrieval, the huge cost, and all of it not promising success. I think we are extremely good candidates for it, as our lack of success has been due to (as far as we know) J’s mild male factor infertility. His swimmers can’t get to where they need to be, there aren’t enough of them, and not so many of them are able to break into the egg but once there is forced intervention on all of those fronts I don’t foresee any problems. But, that’s my hope at least. We all know it doesn’t go according to how you think it will.

Yesterday was Family Day in several Canadian provinces and we met up with J’s brother and wife, along with their two little girls for brunch. It was bitter sweet as always. Their perfect little family and childless us. J talks to his brother about our IF and he knows about our IUIs but he doesn’t know the result of the last one and luckily he didn’t ask. J was a little down after the visit with them.

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Just after brunch J was trolling Facebook and saw the quote above. He wordlessly turned the screen to show it to me. I nodded silently and he said “Too much, we’ve been through too much.” Ain’t that the truth. We have been through a lot more than just IF, in our (relatively) short time together (just under 8 years together, and almost 4 years married). We have been tested time and time again. There was a point where we almost didn’t make it, but we aren’t quitters, and we won’t give up on each other.

It feels so unfair, but life’s not fair. When J showed me that quote, I told him it helps me not be afraid for our future because we’ve already been through enough things that should have torn us apart that I know we’ll make it. Perhaps that isn’t realistic but it’s the way I feel. We have invested so much in each other and our relationship that I can’t imagine anything destroying that.

I’m going to keep blogging, just about life in general, our fresh start and a little IF sprinkled here and there. Just because the weight of TTC has been lifted, the pain of IF is still there. Thank you to my IF bloggy support network, wouldn’t survive without you ladies and I’ll still be here cheering from the sidelines. And when my time comes to get back in the ring I’ll be looking for all of your sage wisdom.

Spinning

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Well, I don’t really even know what I want to say at this point. Let me give you a run down of the days leading up to “The End” (for now).

As you all know, I cheated and tested on Sunday at 11DPIUI and got a BFN, but could have been too early (probably not in my mind). So anyways, J and I agreed that I would wait until Wednesday (14DPIUI) to test again. We were both pretty nervous in the days leading up, but managed to push it out of our minds, plus I was fairly certain it was going to be negative anyways. We went to the mall on Tuesday night, partially because I needed something, but also just as a distraction. It was a nice time killer, but I think J realized what I was doing in trying to distract because on the way out he asked, “Tomorrow is the day, right?”. As much as we both tried to put it out our minds we knew it was coming. That evening when I went to the bathroom before bed, I had a bit of a pink tinge on the toilet paper (I usually always have that before AF arrives).

When I got into bed, he asked my what I was thinking. And I told him, “you know, the usual”. I didn’t explicitly tell him about the pink tinged TP, but I told him I was almost certain that it was going to be negative, just based on what I was feeling going on in my body. I told him I wasn’t trying to be negative, but just preparing us for the most likely outcome. He nodded, but I could see that he was still holding out hope. We faced each other in bed, his eyes red, and filling with tears. Mine dry, and resigned.

Amazingly, I slept fairly well, and got up early enough to test before J went to work. I came into the living room where he was watching TV and he asked, “is it bad news?”, I just replied “yeah”. I went to him and we just stayed on the couch holding onto each other for a while. We didn’t really say a lot. We were mostly just trying to process it all, and think of what would happen now. I think he was trying not to breakdown, but as he left the house and said goodbye, his voice sounded hoarse, and I don’t doubt that he may have shed some tears by himself.

I went about my morning, getting ready for work, feeling numb, sad, angry and confused. I didn’t want to go to work, but staying home wasn’t going to do me any good, and quite frankly I had a lot to do at work. I figured it could be a good distraction, I was just hoping everyone at work would sense my mood and give me space. I pulled into the parking lot, and got out my phone to reply to J’s text. He asked how I was doing, I told him I was resigned to the outcome but it still made me really sad, and mad that this had to be so hard for us. That I thought no matter the outcome I would feel some sort of relief, but I don’t. He agreed, he thought it would be easier knowing, but it sucks.

He told me he loved me more than anything, and I told him I loved him too. I told him that even if someone had told me, in our first year of marriage, first year together, or whenever, that this was how our life together would go I still wouldn’t change a thing. He agreed, neither would he. Of course it was at this point that the tears started to brim in my eyes, but I had to blink them back and go to work. I didn’t get the space I had hoped for but I had a busy, distracting day and I got through it. J and I sort of stayed away from the elephant in the room yesterday evening. I didn’t know if it was too soon to start talking about our next move, or if we still needed time to absorb, but he broached the subject and we started to discuss the future (I’ll save that for another post).

Today I feel a bit less sad, but still really lost and confused. I thought it would be easy to move on, knowing this isn’t the end of our fertility journey, but it’s not. I don’t have to work today, but J did. He text me from work and told me he’s having a tough time today. It breaks my heart to see him this way. I think all along, these 18 months, I’ve been mourning each cycle, so once one is done I feel renewed with some semblance of hope for the next one. But for him, I think the months have compounded, and culminated into this epic feeling of failure, and despair and I don’t know how to help. This journey is experienced very differently between the male and female perspectives (or to be fair to same sex couples, the partner who is undergoing the treatment). I just don’t really know where to turn at this point.

The future is open to endless possibilities right now, which is both exciting and frightening. I do feel as though the TTC weight has been lifted, but right now we are under a blanket of sadness. Once we are able come out the other side, I think we will be able to look forward to a fresh start but right now it’s just a fresh wound. Or rather, the same wound that’s been picked open once again.

So now that I’ve sort of talked myself in circles, and haven’t solved anything, sorted out my emotions or made any decisions, I think I should leave it at that until I have something more poignant to say.

The Show Must Go On

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I was a fool to believe
A fool to believe
It all ends today
Yes it all ends today

Today’s the day
When dreaming ends

Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

The show must go on.

“The Show Must Go On” – Moulin Rouge

Pretty much sums it up. BFN this morning, pink tinge when I wiped last night. It’s not AF but it may as well be. I’ll elaborate further when I’ve collected my thoughts.

It’s Not Over, Until It’s Over

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But I’m pretty sure it’s over. I cheated, and I tested today instead of tomorrow and got a Big Fat Negative. I rationalized it in that if I did it tomorrow morning, no matter negative or positive, I wouldn’t want to go to work after. Plus I wanted to be able to share it with J and he’ll be gone early tomorrow morning.

With a FRER, they are apparently 78% accurate within 4 days of your expected period (Thursday for me) so there is a chance it was too early, and I said as much to J, but I don’t think it was. I think I’m just not pregnant. I feel exactly the same as I do every month. The intermittent, very short bouts of cramping has begun. My boobs have been a bit achy, which happens every month before AF.

So J said we’ll wait till Wednesday and test again but we ‘re both acting as though it’s not going to happen, and looking ahead to plans for the future, where we might move, how we’ll break it to the parents (the fact that we’re leaving, as well as the fact that we’re still not pregnant).

But I realise there’s still a chance. And that fact is going to drive me crazy for the next 4 days. It’s not over till the fat lady sings (or the red lady shows, I guess) so I’ll be keeping an eye on my BBT and testing again Wednesday with my last FRER. I’ll keep you all apprised of the ongoing saga as soon as I have something more definitive to share…

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