#Microblog Mondays: Stuck

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I’ve been back at work for almost 2 months now. It’s been a blur of busy-ness, and illness (mainly baby girl, and mainly from the petri dish that is daycare). I’m feeling a bit run ragged, and I think that J and I are still figuring this balance of me being back at work. Doesn’t help that I’ve also been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks. But I have this stuck feeling. It’s a similar feeling to before I went on mat leave, before we even got pregnant. At the time, I thought I was feeling that way because we were going through infertility, and then I thought it was just pregnancy hormones, tiredness, ect.

But it seems that it wasn’t, because here I am, still feeling stuck. I didn’t think having a baby would fix my life and complete me (though she is a great addition to our lives) but I thought I would be feeling more satisfied and balanced than I am. I’ve looked at changing jobs but I don’t know what I would do, what I am even qualified for (outside of my field) plus the economy at the moment is not great for job hunting. J and I have talked about moving next year, whether it be just moving houses, or moving cities altogether. I’ve always been moving towards some thing; a goal, an event, something. I don’t know how to just be. Plus I’m tired, and stressed a lot of the time so that probably doesn’t help. I’m mostly just moaning here, because I don’t know what else to do. Life just feels like a rat race lately, and this mama is tired of runnin’.

Oh yeah, and a Happy Halloween!

#Microblog Mondays: Thoughtul Speaking

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I’ve been back at work for nearly a month and a half now, and Baby Girl has been going daycare. She does really well with it now; drop offs used to involve tears but she seems more comfortable now. But the germs. Oh, the daycare germs are killing us. She’s had a strange rash that disappeared as quickly as it came, pink eye and a cold (coupled with teething molars). Fun times.

So inevitably, I caught her cold and have been rendered nearly mute for the past couple of days. When I get a cold bug that brings a really sore throat I tend to lose my voice. Last night it hurt to swallow let alone attempt to talk in my squeaky whisper of a voice. It is sort of nice to just be silent sometimes (though I’d prefer it to be a choice, rather than illness related) and if it is going to pain you to speak, you take the time to consider if it is worth it. Am I going to strain and pain myself just to complain about something, or fill the air with idle celebrity gossip or the like; probably not. Perhaps I should attempt to adopt this careful, deliberate thought before speaking once my voice returns in full force…

#Microblog Monday’s: Yes, yes, all the yes!

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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My Microblog Monday post isn’t my own post, and the linked post is not micro, but it couldn’t wait until Friday’s blog round up;

My response to “Women Who Wish They’d Never Had Kids” and “Why Parents Hate Parenting”First of all, thank you for replying, responding to the “Women Who Wish They’d Never Had Kids” Marie Claire article. For easy reference, right here: http://www.marieclaire.com/culture/a22189/i-regret-having-kids/ And you might also want to check out the I Regret Having Children Facebook page, here: https://www.facebook.com/IRegretHavingChildren I am also going to reference “Why Parents Hate Parenting,” here: http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html When I stumbled upon the Marie […]
https://theunexpectedtrip.wordpress.com/2016/10/03/my-response-to-women-who-wish-theyd-never-had-kids-and-why-parents-hate-parenting/

I couldn’t have said any of this better myself.

*Edit, I should say I loved The Unexpected Trip’s commentary, rather than the articles themselves. 

#Microblog Mondays: If You Could Go Back…

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I try to make difficult life decisions by choosing the path of least regret. During IF treatment, what would I regret had I done, or not done? That way I can’t (hopefully) look back and say, “coulda, woulda, shoulda”. Obviously one can only make decisions based on the information they have, and sometimes it’s not all of the information, so what then?

I’ve been contacted by an up and coming fertility website to be a contributing writing, and I’m trying to tap the community to see what sort of information you wish you had during your IF struggles, or if you’re still in it, what are you looking for? What sorts of things did you find that helped you? I’m hoping to put out some original, and helpful content that maybe wasn’t there for you, or me but can be there for those who end up down this path, so my ears are open to suggestion!

#Microblog Mondays: 525,600 Minutes

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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A caveat, this post is not so micro…

Hopefully some of you caught my Rent reference in the post title, and I apologize if you spend the day humming “Seasons of Love” to yourself (as I will be). Baby Girl is a year old, and all of the cliches apply, “where did the time go”, I ask of you?! We had a birthday party for her the weekend before last, it wasn’t anything over the top, family and a few friends. I think the fact that she has a summer birthday is going to mean they aren’t particularly well attended because of all of the other events and activities keeping people busy. We held it at my in law’s house as they back onto a park, have a lovely yard, and then it meant I didn’t have to clean my house (our condo is far too small to host anyways).

I was a little stressed leading up to, and on the day of the party but overall it mostly went without a hitch. I bought most of the food from Costco, and it was mainly just cold finger foods as I didn’t want to be dealing with cooking and what not while our guests were there. I was set on making a cake for Baby Girl to smash and I made cupcakes for the guests to eat. That all turned out well, except the cake was in the fridge and the icing hardened up so she couldn’t actually dig into it. We cut a piece out and she dug into that. I was disappointed but it was less messy, and the cake I made was entirely too large anyways. It was a beautiful day, we had a mini bouncy castle and a little kiddie pool, which Baby Girl loved (she is such a water babe). She proceeded to climb in, in her party dress which was actually really adorable, sort of like a first birthday trash the dress, just like my wedding trash the dress! The one thing that was sort of disappointing was that I made a video of Baby Girl’s first year on iMovie. It was set to music, and took a lot of time. I was really proud of it, but because it was so nice out, pretty much no one saw it as it was playing on the TV inside. Oh well, it’s a nice keepsake, and out family watched it.

For her actual birthday, we took an extended weekend and went to Vancouver. Our last family holiday before I go back to work. It was a nice getaway, the weather was beautiful and we did lots of fun sightseeing and activities, and although Baby Girl won’t remember it, I think J and I will look back fondly on it, and we can show her pictures and tell her stories. I found out that the Disney store does a little something special if you go in on your birthday, and luckily there was one very close to our hotel. It was a busy four days, and tiring as we were one time zone behind home which made the normal wake up time of 6:00am – 6:30am an hour earlier. We walked all over, took the bus, train and even a little tugboat. We did not manage to stick with a nap schedule so many a stroller nap were had. J and I were getting testy with each other at times (seems to be happening more lately…) but overall the sweet memories will prevail. Random sidenote; I walked right past Wanda Sykes! We were crossing the street in the opposite direction, J didn’t even notice but I stared (probably rather obviously). I wish I would have said something!

The past year is pretty impossible to put into words. Parenting certainly is a paradox; I love this little person more than anything, but she has definitely made life more stressful. J and I get annoyed with each other more often. I wouldn’t say we fight but there a million and one things that he does that annoy me lately. Perhaps because we are each taking care of Baby Girl in our own way, and when that doesn’t jive we butt heads. Plus we’re tired, and constantly being pulled in several directions.

I head back to work next week, after the long weekend, and Baby Girl officially starts daycare on Thursday. We’ve been into the daycare to visit and get her acclimated a few times and it is a very highly rated, and highly sought after facility (that we were extremely lucky to get a spot at). It’s a lovely place, and I know she’ll be cared for, fed well, learn new skills and socialize with other babies and people. But, it makes me sad that she won’t get the individual attention she gets from me. In some ways that’s good, she can learn to wait her turn, and that the world does not revolve around her, but she won’t get as many books read to her, as many cuddles, and all of the love I can pour over her. I don’t have a choice, financially we need me to go back to work, plus I’m not cut out to stay at home with her full-time. If I could manage to work part-time, that would be ideal but not possible right now. I’m somewhat looking forward to returning to the workforce. I’ve been relocated to a different office, it comes with pros and cons, but I am happy to not be returning to my previous office.

I am nervous and stressed about how daily life is going to go once I am back working. J will be doing daycare drop off and pick up as it is right by his work. My shifts will range, and I’ll be off sometime between 5pm – 6:15pm, J finishes at 5pm so we have to manage to get home, make and eat dinner, have playtime/bath time/family time and get Baby Girl to bed for 7:30ish. It’s going to be busy. I will have to work a couple Saturdays a month, which means I get a day off during the week. Sometimes I may still send Baby Girl to daycare so I can run errands, clean house, ect. and it will be nice to have that time to myself, but some days I’ll keep her home and we can enjoy mommy/daughter days and maybe meet up with some of our pals. There has been so much change in the past year, and we’ve gotten into a groove but now it’s all going to change again. If I thought her first year went quickly, I’m betting the next one feels even faster.

Looking back on the day that she was born, the emotions are hard to describe; relief, joy, exhaustion, fear but most of all big fat love. That love has only grown in the past year. Though the wait was hard; the years, months and days were worth it. We got our baby, the little girl meant for us, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Here are a few shots from her birthday week celebration!

 

Six Degrees of (Infertility) Separation

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With the stats being 1 in 6 couples suffering from infertility (in Canada), chances are nearly everyone knows someone affected. They just may not know it. As it is not something that is openly discussed (for the most part), many of us suffer in silence. Over time I have found many sisters in infertility, but you don’t always know it about someone right off the bat. 

This week I took Baby Girl to see my coworkers, and say goodbye to them as I am moving to a different office when I return to work next week. While chatting with my former cubicle buddy she divulged that her daughter is getting “her tubes flushed” (I’m guessing an HSG) and that her and her long term boyfriend have been trying for the past three years (unbeknownst to her). Her daughter is around 36 years old, I’ve met her on multiple occasions, but don’t know her well. My coworker has made mention to me multiple times that she wants a grand baby. She even used to sometimes make comments to me about having a baby. I can only imagine how she goes on to her daughter about giving her a grand baby. When she would mention it to me, I would caution her not to push. She didn’t know what I was going through, and even after I got pregnant I didn’t discuss how it came to be with any of my office mates.

When my coworker told me about her daughters troubles, I told her it had taken us a long time to get pregnant too, and that I had had the same procedure to check my tubes. Needless to say, she was surprised to hear it. She then went on to say that her daughter doesn’t want to do IVF, and I told her that was how we got pregnant, again very surprised. We didn’t get into it much more than that but I couldn’t stop thinking about her daughter after I left.

I emailed my coworker when I got home, and told her to please tell her daughter to email me if she wants to chat, and that going through this is very hard, isolating, and difficult to understand unless you’re in it. I’m sure her daughter wouldn’t be overly pleased that her mother was discussing her fertility with me, so my coworker may have been hesitant to pass my contact info on. But I hope she did, and I hope I hear from her. Though I’m on “the other side”, the pain is still real and I just want to hug her, and tell her it will be ok.