Highs & Lows, Ebbs & Flows

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As much as one falls into daily routines, it would be hard to ever consider life as static. It moves forward, and there is little choice than to go along, whether with open arms, or kicking and screaming. Since I went back to work, I was having a hard time finding solid footing. It seemed I was being pulled in too many directions, and I think the stress and busyness of the holidays was not helping me in trying to get centred.

Now that the new year has come and gone, life is on the upswing. Work has been busy which has been surprisingly good, most of the time. I am one of those people who functions best under moderate pressure. If I am not busy, I tend to slack, and procrastinate because if I’m not busy, I’ll have time to get stuff done later! So busy equals productivity. Plus, I am in sales, and a New Year means a fresh slate and new targets, which I am pumped for. Since I came back so late in 2016, I had no hope of reaching any targets (mine are cumulative over the year) so it was more just about getting myself established again, and set up for the New Year to come, so admittedly, I was just coasting until the calendar flipped so I could go hard in 2017. I am pumped and ready to go, feeling good, finally feel like I have a better handle on balancing life and work (don’t get me wrong it’s not perfect and I do feel harried at times, but it’s better).

Just when I am feeling good and on top of things, J is feeling down. He had a rough day at work that really got to him and has been feeling down in the dumps. He is trying to find the motivation to go to the gym, but it’s not happening. He doesn’t sleep well, and that can effect everything (I know, ask me how well I slept during fertility treatments). I think he is feeling stuck with his job (again) and slightly overwhelmed sometimes. It’s like we can never be on the same page at the same time. When he is up, I am down, and vice versa. I suppose this isn’t so bad, if we were too synced, we would be both be down at the same time, and it’s hard enough when one of us is down, never mind both. We take turns picking up the slack for each other.

Last week I noticed a friend of mine seemed to having a rough go as well. She’s a tough cookie with a hectic life and she usually seems to manage with ease. She confided that she’s not sure her current job is what she needs right now, and I think she may be feeling a bit lost not to mention slightly overwhelmed. It’s hard to know what to do for someone in that sort of circumstance. Not just career dilemmas, or being overwhelmed, but ambiguous life difficulties in general. I sent her a card, wrote a nice message, let her know that I, among her other friends, am there for her. Sometimes I think that’s all that can be done. I can’t fix her problems for her, but I can stand beside her.

Obviously perspective can effect ones attitude to life challenges. Whilst going through infertility treatments, it wasn’t so easy to tell myself to just keep plugging along (though really, that is what happened because what else can you do?). I didn’t really allow anyone “in” when we were in the depth of IVF, and I don’t even know what I would have wanted from anyone, had I confided. Just be there, I suppose is all anyone can do. You can’t live someones life for them, or take away their pain. The highs are great, the lows are sometimes inevitable. Even if it’s just a minor low, or a bad day, life can’t be great all the time and that’s ok.

Everybody sails alone,

But we can travel side by side.

-KT Tunstall “Heal Over”

 

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Home, (Semi) Sweet, Home

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Well folks I’m back! The downside of limited internet access on a cruise ship is I couldn’t keep up with you all. I did go back through 10 days worth of blogs and I am finally caught up, couldn’t really comment on everyone, but much love to you all! I’ve missed following everyone, and am glad to be reconnected. The good part with the lack of internet, I barely had time to hit up Facebook. And two of my friends had babies while I was gone, so I’m glad I was able to avoid that while I was trying to put IF out of my mind. I feel like I have a million and one things to talk about now, but I’ll start where I left off; vacation.

It was lovely and relaxing. We shopped, we ate, we scuba dived (scuba dove?) a lot, we worshipped the sun and we ate some more. The vacation on a whole was very good. I read the Kite Runner (finally, after hearing nothing but rave reviews for years about it). It was very good, but sad, and surprisingly touched on infertility in the story (sorry if you haven’t read it yet!). I thought about IF a lot less, like maybe once or twice a day it crossed my mind. Which for me is good, normally it’s all consuming. My anxiety eased, I slept well and overall felt pretty good.

Can I just take a second to tell those of you who do not scuba dive how amazing it is? It is probably one of the most amazing (once you get past the freaked out feeling of breathing from a tank and being encompassed by the never ending sea) experiences. It is a slow moving, slow breathing, and quiet (except for the noise of your breathing and the bubbles) activity. Your main objective is just to take everything in. Investigate all of the sea life, the beautiful corals, the amazing colored fish, the turtles (yes turtles!) and the plethora of other creatures, some of which you would never know existed. If you’ve never done it, I’d highly recommend giving it a try. It was something I never saw myself doing until my brother in law suggested a bunch of us get certified, and now I can’t get enough.

Anyways, towards the end of the trip, when we had to start thinking about packing up and going home the anxiety started creeping back in. The thought of returning to work made my stomach turn. Getting away from work and everything else was awesome, but it just made it that much harder to go back. Now again, obviously my job is a small problem in a bigger whole. But it is what I spend a good chunk of my time doing, if it wasn’t another annoyance on my plate then I don’t think it would be so bad.

So yesterday I resent my resume to the company that had flat out offered me a job back in March. I see on their website they’re still hiring for the same positions so I feel like if I want it I can probably still have it. I want to see the offer and what the benefits package looks like first, and then go from there. But having something on the back burner is comforting, though leaving my current job will be really tough if it comes to that. I’ll cross that bridge if/when I get there.

Also on the job front J has been contacted by another location for a transfer. The regional recruiter and the location’s specific manager have both been in contact. He’s still playing telephone tag with the direct manager (we just got back on Sunday, so he just called them back yesterday). Again, it may lead to nothing, so we’re not getting our hopes up. We’ll just have to wait and see what comes of it.

On the IF front, I am on CD4 today. Good ‘ol AF showed up on the day we were flying home. So not only was I super bummed about coming home but I also failed at a natural cycle (not that I’m surprised or anything, the timing was just…blech). It’s a good thing I felt her presence earlier in the week and had the sense to pack some tampons in my carry on. So I got to fly feeling all bloat-y, crampy and gross. Then we hit our connecting city only to find out our luggage never got put on our first flight, along with 50% of the rest of the passengers. Awesome. For those of you that ever have the misfortune of flying with Air Canada; I’m sorry, and please don’t judge my country by our shitty airline.

We landed at home and it was SNOWING! So I went from 30 degrees Celsius to snow in the same day. Boo. We did eventually get our luggage back 24 hrs later. They broke the handle off mine so now I have to fight then for compensation, but that’s another thing. It is still eff-ing cold here. The weather man cheerily reminded everyone yesterday that although it only reached a high of something like 6 degrees, that on May. 6 last year it was a balmy 30 degrees. Thanks, because that’s really helpful right now when I’m freezing my arse off.

So anywho, back to AF. I did my CD3 bloodwork yesterday because they wanted to update it leading into IVF. I also had a requisition for Antral follicle count ultrasound and that has to be done between day 2 – 4 so I called yesterday to confirm that for today. I also booked my saline infusion sonohysterogram for next week. I had some days off during the week so I figured I may as well just get it all done since I have the time. I did the Antral follicle count today, but that’s going to be a whole other post.

So in summary; Vacations are awesome, but now I’m back and, reality bites.

*Side note, J bought an e-cigarette when we were in Houston, and although he is still on a small dose of nicotine with that, it is better than actual cigarettes. And soon he can wean down to nothing. Plus we are starting our new supplements regime today. Bring it!

Lost at Sea

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I’m sending out an S.O.S. We’re lost, and I’m not sure which way we’re headed anymore. Ok, so this is not a new theme but it seems to be getting worse and more confusing. I used to have sight of land in the distance, but now the fog has closed in and I don’t know which way is out.

Yesterday my boss told me that I have been accepted into a training program that I have been on a waiting list for, for several months now. They only take a few people at a time because it costs the company a fair bit of money. Once you are enrolled you have 2 years to complete it and people were enrolling and then not finishing, so then you have to start all over. So in any case, I won’t actually be enrolled until later this year because there is a seminar that they would send me on in September so they want my enrollment date to be as close as possible to the seminar so I get the full 2 years from that point.

So, as far as I know I am enrolled for the seminar, which is on a cruise to Alaska. It is part seminar during the days we are at sea, and part familiarization trip with the cruise line we are travelling and Alaska as a destination (I am a travel agent for those who aren’t aware…yes livin’ the dream…sometimes). Now I’m not sure if I were to quit my job before September (if J gets transfered, or if I decide to move to a different company) if I would have to pay back the seminar, because generally these things are non refundable. They may be allowed to swap someone else out for me, so at this point I said yes and I’ll worry about it down the road. The bigger problem comes if I were to quit after the seminar; if I were to leave within 6 months of the seminar, I would have to pay it back (that’s company policy).

But what if I get pregnant? If it is before September I would have to tell my boss and turn down the training opportunity altogether. If it is after September, then I wouldn’t technically be quitting, plus I most likely wouldn’t be going on mat leave within 6 months of the seminar so it shouldn’t matter too much. But then I will be signed up for the 2 year training program. I’m not sure how that would be handled if I were to leave.

I am not going to say no at this point, because who knows what will happen. I can’t live my life assuming I’ll be pregnant, or we’ll be moved or who knows what. This is an awesome step in my career and my company is paying for it, so I want to take advantage.

On that note, we still haven’t heard anything from the job interview J had a week and a half ago. We’re dying here. He said he might try and contact the recruiter to see if she knows anything, or can put him in touch with the decision makers. It’s annoying because they said they would be in touch by the end of last week…still waiting!

I was having a bad day yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed at work and when I start to feel that way it makes me stressed and lately I don’t handle stress well. I think too, because this new training opportunity came up it kind of threw me a little bit. So then I fall into a downward spiral, stressed over work, thinking about our upcoming appt with Dr. M, worried about the future and what it will bring. Plus I felt like junk yesterday. Little did I know that AF was making her way to me (3 days early). I missed a BCP sometime mid cycle, so I took it in the morning when I remembered and then I forgot to take my last pill on Sunday but at that point I figured, who cares if I missed the last one.

I think once we have an answer on what’s going on with J’s job prospect, I might feel a little clearer in what I should do. Hopefully we can make some decisions and get ourselves back on track and in sight of land again, a new land of opportunities and exciting challenges.