#Microblog Mondays: Scattered

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.
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I started writing this post last night before bed to be all prompt and schedule it for this morning. Well I wrote it and deleted it twice before giving up and going to bed. So here I am again, in bed, trying to finish writing it but my thoughts are buzzing, too scattered and I can’t pin any one thing at the moment. 

What to do about a crumbling relationship (not mine) in which one or both parties are seriously considering throwing in the towel? I feel powerless (because ultimately I am). 

Why is my husband so grumpy lately (it seems like more than grumpy but comes in flashes)? Work (again…or still), his continued sleeplessness (this, too, is an ongoing problem), new parental stresses? 

How can I learn to be a better partner, but also ask the same of him? 

How can my days feel so busy, yet at times boring and filled with nothingness (I feel badly that time with my daughter can be boring but entertaining an infant day in and day out is not always fun)?

The future is blurry, not unlike how it was while we were struggling with IF. I’m still adjusting to this new life, and new role. Sometimes I feel great, we have a rhythm and everything just clicks. Other times I feel foggy and uncertain, which makes actions and decisions take longer, with more difficulty. 

For now, I lay it all down. I hear a helicopter overhead, no doubt landing at the hospital mere blocks from my home. So I’ll just be thankful for my safe and healthy family today, and go to bed. 

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Taking Up Space

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Babies have a lot of stuff. Our house is overrun. Play mat and mamaroo in the living room, exersaucer in the kitchen (another one in the loft), an entire bathroom full of baby paraphernalia and toys abound! And the clothes, don’t even get me started on the clothes… I welcome it all, though I am a bit of a minimalist so the excess stuff bugs me a bit, but it’s all for our baby girl, so it’s ok. 

As she began growing out of things, I’ve started pulling them from drawers and putting them in boxes; either keep or donate/pass along. We have a rock n’ play that she no longer uses, sitting in our bedroom and the mamaroo is gathering dust. But what to do with all of it? We live in a condo, and space is limited. We don’t have anywhere to store all of this excess baby stuff for the next one, if there is a next one. At this point we don’t know if we want another,  and if we should be so lucky to have another we don’t know when it would be, or if we have a boy the clothes will be kept all for naught. 

The thought constantly niggles in the back of my brain. We have so much, and we are so fortunate; do we want to start all over if we have another? It wouldn’t be the end of the world but for now these are cherished items that I’m not far enough removed from to be able to let them go. And from a practicality point it would save us a lot not having to replace everything. I hate that it’s something I constantly think of. 

I suppose it’s not just an infertile problem but I feel it weighs more heavily on me because what if we decide to try for another and it doesn’t happen? When will we be ready to try again? These boxes of clothes and the yearly storage fees for our frozen embryos feel like pressure all over again. I’ve always leaned towards only having one child, or at least spacing two out by several (3-4) years (if I am so lucky to choose that route and succeed in having another) so it sucks to have this tangible reminder of the decisions to come. No matter what we choose, both paths bring difficulties. We either enter back into treatment to pursue another child and all of the emotional turmoil that brings up, or decide our family is complete the way it is and make a decision on our frost babies. So that’s really what it boils down to, not so much the space the stuff takes up in my house, but the weight it places on my heart. 

Welcoming 2016

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It’s hard not to reflect on the year past at the beginning of the next. While I don’t make New Years resolutions, I usually take a backward glance before the calendar flips forward. 2015 was finally our year, despite some ups and downs, our daughter entered our lives and that was hands down the highlight of the year. Though life with a baby started out tough, I feel like I have a little more of a handle on things and my anxiety level has come down some. Not to say I know what I’m doing, but we’ve got some consistency and it makes life much more enjoyable. I’m not the most skilled with words, and I don’t wax poetic, so here is something I ripped right off of Facebook.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough, and we’ll be more content when they are.

After that, we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.
The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink…. there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Easier for me to say now, but would have been wise words while battling with infertility. Yet it still applies, as I sometimes need to remind myself just to enjoy the now while my daughter is small. And never is that easier than when she is snuggled in my arms and I have nowhere to be but with her.

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