Musings from the Gym

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No, this isn’t my musings about the gym, this is me writing this on my phone from the gym. I meant to post a quick update yesterday but I was slammed all day at work (where I often draft posts in my recently ample downtime) and came home to collapse. Today was a similar story, super busy at work, ended up staying a bit late and then came home and worked from the couch for a little longer. I still have a bit more to do tonight but J asked if I wanted to come to the gym and for once I miraculously obliged (I hate the gym, save for my yoga class so it’s a rarity when I agree to come with him).

So I figured since I am feeling a bit lazy I’ll take it easy on myself and write a blog post while biking. Hey, don’t judge it’s better than staying on the couch (which in all honesty was my first choice).

There’s not much to tell in regards to the job front for J yet. He had his phone interview with some of the management from the location. He said it went well, more behavioural questions, a bit more information on how they run their location and that was it. They told him they are still in the process of interviewing other candidates but that they hope to let him know next week.

Damn, I was hoping maybe he was the only qualified applicant. Wishful thinking right? So anyways we wait again. I really really really want this one. I was searching job opportunities in the area and there are a few fantastic opportunities for me. I am trying not to get my hopes up though as we are the under dogs.

Oh, I guess the news I do have is the other location we were waiting on has gone with someone else. So were back to just one, all hopes on the most recent. All the eggs in one basket.

I’m not sure how long we can play at this, apply, interview, declined, repeat. Letting our hopes get up a little each time. We put ourselves on TTC time out but this situation seems to be a parallel. We have an appt with our RE on Apr. 14 so that might help us a bit to discuss our situation with the dr. Then we are going on a Caribbean vacay for 10 days at the end of April and I’m hoping we can rest, relax and rejuvenate ourselves and then come back refreshed and ready to make some decisions.

I like having a plan so this free flowing business is for the birds, in my opinion. J and I have really let all of the TTC stuff fall away for now, we don’t really talk about “when” we’ll have kids, this and that. We’re trying to just take a break from it all. Sometimes it feels like walking on egg shells and other times it just feels like a relief to put down the burden for a bit. So we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks.

In other news my sister in law sent me a little gift-y in the mail. She loves sending things in the mail and I will admit it has a personal touch. She saw (and commented on) the article I posted on Facebook and wrote about here last week. She sent me a card with some nice body oils and a little bag of my favorite gourmet jelly beans. I don’t have the card with me but it said something along the lines of “saw the article you posted and that you might need this”, just a nice little pick-me-up gesture. It’s very sweet.

My sister in law is a very thoughtful, caring and sweet (sickeningly so sometimes) person. Her and I are very different and if I had met her under different circumstance I’m fairly certain we would not be friends. And even though I still don’t always see eye to eye with her or understand her motivations sometimes, we have a bond. We relate in that we both married into our now shared family and we have an alliance, her and I.

I should mention I have literally never discussed our infertility with her and she gets it all as byproduct from her husband (my brother in law) that J gives him. It’s a convolute situation, I know. Her and her husband, along with my nieces, live in a different city but she has been a silent supporter, this I know.

It’s the first real acknowledgment anyone I know in real life (that know about our IF) has ever given. Can you tell I’m an extremely private person? I’m still not really ready to let anyone fully in. I just don’t want to discuss it with anyone who can’t truly get it, no matter how sincere and understanding they may be. So perhaps I’m putting up walls, but it’s all I’ve got holding me together sometimes.

Now that I’ve sort of jumped from one topic to the next, I’ll bid you all a good night. Back to my lame-o Saturday night workout. Bonne nuite!

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Scared/Relationship Challenge Day 14

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Today is the final day of ICLW, and I have 1 week left of my relationship challenge. I will soon be entering the two week wait, and it will be the last one for a long while. Waiting, waiting, always waiting. I am almost free of the waiting but the next one will be the worst. My life is broken into segments and pieces right now, but will soon become whole again. Everything is coming to a head. 

It’s funny, Best Friend asked me how I was feeling about it all, and I said “scared”. And as stupid as it is, I am scared if it doesn’t work, but I am also scared if it does. How can I be scared for something I’ve been hoping for, for 18 months now? It seems a bit ridiculous, because of course I want it to work, but it is hard to think past that. What if it does work? Then it’s “holy shit, I’m pregnant”, and “oh my g-d we’re having a baby”. I can’t even wrap my head around that, it seems like an impossibility.

When we first started trying, I was naively optimistic, but months went by I started really learning and investigating pregnancy and conception and had this bad feeling that something wasn’t right (even though there weren’t that many reasons to suspect it). I did discover that I had a short luteal phase, but with supplements I was able to correct it. Other than that, I didn’t really have any good reasons.

At the one year mark I went to my GP and she didn’t seem concerned, told me maybe I needed to gain some weight, but keep trying and come back if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months. Yeah, right. I’m going to purposely gain weight, and “just keep trying” for another 6 months when I’ve already been at this for 12 already. If I had taken her advice, I would just be going back to her now. Instead I’ve seen my RE twice (who normally has a 4 month wait), had 2 IUI’s and am rounding on my third and final. I think I need to fire my GP.

So here we are, standing at the edge of our (self imposed) precipice. Will it work, or will we go back to our lives as DINKs, pre TTC (not that it’s possible for us to ever get back to the place we were, but move forward without the weight of TTC on us)? Only time will tell, but either way I’m still a little scared to find out.

Relationship Challenge Day 14:

Get Enough Sleep

How much sleep do you get each night? Far too many of us are chronically sleep-deprived. Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep each night—if not eight or nine. (I do best with a solid 7-8 hours of sleep.) Some people say, “I’ve trained myself to get by on five hours,” but in fact, when researchers study these folks, they’re often quite impaired. Except for the rare true “short-sleepers,” most people function much better when they get a full night’s sleep.
Lack of sleep drags down mood, memory, focus, and immune function; it may even contribute to weight gain.
And lack of sleep affects our relationships. We’ve all heard the admonition, “Don’t go to bed angry.” True enough, but current research suggests that couples shouldn’t try to work out problems or talk about difficult subjects at bedtime. Also, they should avoid having hard conversations when one of them hasn’t slept well.
Having problems with your relationship can negatively affect your sleep; and lack of sleep can contribute to conflict in your relationship. With a good night’s sleep, it’s so much easier to keep a sense of humor, to have a sense of perspective, and to adopt a loving, good-natured attitude—with a partner, with children, or with co-workers and friends.
Resolve to “Get enough sleep.” Being well-rested may not seem like something that will affect your relationships, but it does.

This may seem like a weird one, for a relationship challenge, but sleep can be a huge influence on mood and demeanor. I, for example, am nauseous and cranky if I get less than 4 – 5 hours of sleep. I have never really had trouble sleeping until recently, and I am a night owl by nature.

J, on the other hand, never sleeps well. He has had sleep studies done, used prescription sleep aids, as well as natural (melatonin) remedies. He can sleep if medicated, but he can’t live his life like that. I don’t know how he manages on the terrible sleep he gets, but somehow he seems to have adjusted. But it is not good for him. When I was going to acupuncture, the acupuncturist asked about him and I mentioned that he doesn’t sleep well, and she seemed concerned, like that was a very important thing. Which I’m sure it is. But what can you do? A person can’t live their life, always taking sleeping pills. But otherwise, how do you train yourself to sleep through the night?

Having never really had troubles sleeping (I can sleep just about anywhere), I didn’t really comprehend the magnitude it can have on you. But recently, I’ve not been sleeping well (I’m thinking it is due to all the stress lately) and it is awful. I have been going to bed a bit earlier, and it almost seems to make it worse. I seem to wake up around 5am every morning, and have a hard time falling back asleep from there. I don’t sleep soundly anymore, and I don’t feel rested in the morning. I have crazy dreams too (clomid related?).

So, I can see how both people in a relationship getting enough sleep is a big deal. Hopefully two weeks from now, I will be sleeping more soundly. Or not. Maybe I’m just in training for my future as a parent?

Superstition, Serendipity or Coincidence…Whatever You Call It, It Ain’t Workin’

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Greetings fellow infertiles, and bloggers alike! I am currently hanging out in a mountain chalet enjoying the scenery, the quiet time and not having to do or be anywhere. Plus I’m finding I sort of lose track of the day of the week or the date so our impending IUI is sneaking up without me realizing it which is kind of nice. Some times the first two weeks of a cycle can be just as painful as the two week wait after ovulation. I finished my clomid on Friday and have had very minimal symptoms. So far. No headaches this cycle, but I have gotten to enjoy some mild hot flashes. For a perpetually chilly person it was very odd for me to be stripping off layers.

I’ve been very reflective as of late, due to the New Year approaching, and also because infertility puts a microscope on your life. In my reflective musing I’ve noticed that I’ve become more superstitious, regarding infertility. I am an extremely analytical and logical person so this is not in my nature. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, infertility makes you crazy!

Case and point, I was just thinking about the day that our IUI might fall on, and I’m betting (and hoping for) Jan. 3. For one I have the morning off work, but also because 3 is my lucky number. Also, if it were to work on Jan. 3 it would make my due date Sept. 26, which is my hubby’s birthday as well as his mothers. I know of people who wear lucky socks for IUI’s or IVF treatments (I don’t like socks, otherwise I would be all over this). I can tell you I will be wearing something purple on the day of the IUI.

I also fear I’ve done things to jinx myself, which again I know is stupid. But before we started ttc I knew my mother in law as chomping at the bit for us to have kids, and I said to a friend, “won’t she feel bad if I end up not being able to get pregnant”. Um, yup pretty sure she probably does now, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact I feel, like shit too so that comment came back to bite me in the ass.

I also have a pregnancy “guide book” in my night stand that I bought a few months before we started trying, because it had some preconception stuff in it, and I figured I would need the rest of the chapters fairly shortly after that purchase anyways. And I may have read ahead to see what was In my future. Yeah that was a bit premature and now that book burns and calls to me from the drawer. I almost want to throw it out just out of spite.

Another purchase like this that I have in my house, sending out its siren call is a cute little bib hanging in our spare room (to be nursery) closet. I bought it a couple of months before we started ttc because I was out buying things for the baby my friend was about to have and I couldn’t resist. It had a cute saying on it that was sone thing special between J and I. It’s the only baby related thing I’ve allowed myself to buy, but again it was a bit a lot premature.

I keep thinking, if I only did this, or only did that maybe it would have worked by now. But I know that’s not really the case. It’s science, biology and maybe a little bit of luck. I’m already thinking forward to the next IUI in February (if we get to that one) and the serendipitous circumstances it could bring. If we end up doing an IUI in February we will find out if it worked or not on or around my birthday.

On my 27th birthday I may be standing at a fork in the road, each offering big change. Either I will head towards motherhood, or looking at uprooting our lives for a different adventure. It will offer some relief either way, and I can’t wait to move from the spot I’ve been standing in for too long.

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Peace and goodwill, to all (wo)mankind

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Well, the year is almost done, and I bid it good riddance. I can’t say it’s been all bad, in fact there has been a lot of good. But it was 2013 that we hit our 1 year mark of TTC, received an infertility diagnoses and continued to fail at making a baby(ies).

I’ve worked hard at keeping busy (6 trips in 12 months), focusing on J and I (and our pups), and generally just dealing with the hand that we’ve been dealt. I am looking forward to the New Year, even though it’s just a change of the date, it feels like a fresh start. And for us, it sort of will be. I have IUI’s tentatively booked for Jan. 2, 3, and 4 (I’m betting on it being on Jan. 3).

I started my round of clomid last night, and in an unusually optimistic gesture, high fived J before popping it down the hatch. I’m sure I won’t be as upbeat once I am in the dreaded TWW, but all I can do is hope for now.

I’ve noticed more and more lately that Christmas is an excessively family-centric holiday. Obviously I am more hyper aware of it now, but luckily only 1 of my cousins has a child, so Christmas with my family is a grown up affair (though we do carry on like children once we’ve gotten into the Christmas cheer).

I had some friends give me their family Christmas cards the other day (you know the sickeningly sweet ones with them and their kids all posed and dressed up). I thanked my one friend, and said “I don’t really really do Christmas cards”, to which she replied “Oh, well you don’t have kids”. As in, there’s no point if you don’t have a cute little family to share. Grrr. I have dogs, J and I could get all fancied up and take a photo. Christmas is not just for families with kids dammit!

Anywho, that’s my Christmas related rant, but in all fairness I still love Christmas. I am feeling very thankful for my family, and friends, my hubby, my dogs and all the lovlies out in this blogger world of ours. I have lots of visiting, and eating and drinking to enjoy in the next week. In my own twisted way, I am glad not to have to hide a pregnancy at Christmas (though I would have managed if I had to).

2014 will bring big changes, whether in the form of another member being added to our family, or changing our locale. We shall see which wins out. Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings, and a Happy New Year to you and yours.

Now here’s some spam of ecards I find amusing.

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And lastly, my favorite…

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Invasion of the Body Snatchers

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Can I just say that it seems like every freaking person on the planet is pregnant, or just had children this year!? I know it is something you notice more once you start TTC, but lemme break it down for you.

I had to go on my Facebook account to actually take stock, because I couldn’t keep count them all up in my head, but I actually did a tally and there are 14 of my friends currently pregnant (one with twins!), and 12 that have a baby that is a year or younger. Like, seriously!? What is in the water, and how can I get a few litres of it!

I am of that age, where most of my friends are now married (or have been for a few years already) so some of them already have one child and are on their second. It is annoying, lemme tell ya. In some circles all I hear about is their pregnancies, or their kids, or their boobs, or hooha’s. I’m sure I will get sucked into these discussions when it is my turn, but I will surely be more considerate if there is a non-parent in the group (I hope).

And don’t even get me started on celebrities. It seems like every celebrity on the face of the earth decided to have a baby this year, including several that were happy accidents (HA!). Plus it is the year of the royal baby, so that set everyone into a baby frenzy.

Besides people I know, and celebrities on TV it seems like a mass of the general public is pregnant as well. Everywhere I go there are pregnant ladies. Did I mention the spa I go to for accupuncture is a pregnancy spa? Yeah, that doesn’t help matters.

The last time I went for accupuncture I was one of the last appointments of the day, so despite the fact that there were maternity photos and baby paraphernalia everywhere, there were no actual pregnant ladies. Last night I went for another treatment, but this time it was midday and I came face to face with a mega preggo belly.

As I was sitting in the very small lobby (with two chairs that sit perpendicular to each other) a very pregnant lady was just getting ready to leave. She attempted to put her boots on at the door, but standing up she was having some difficulties. So she came and sat in the chair next to me, and I was close enough to reach out and touch her giant belly.

I felt super awkward and was trying to avert my eyes from her stomach, without acting like a total spaz. I didn’t want to ask how far along she was, or if she knew what she was having but it seemed weird if I didn’t say anything, sitting in a pregnancy spa, next to a pregnant woman, who was practically in my lap. So  I complimented her boots.

And then my accupuncturist called my name, and I jumped up like I’d been shocked. Longest 20 seconds of my life. Perhaps I should have rethought that spa.

*Edit – I forgot to mention, the same day I had acupuncture I also had a massage and the therapist was, you guessed it, pregnant.

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