Lost at Sea

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I’m sending out an S.O.S. We’re lost, and I’m not sure which way we’re headed anymore. Ok, so this is not a new theme but it seems to be getting worse and more confusing. I used to have sight of land in the distance, but now the fog has closed in and I don’t know which way is out.

Yesterday my boss told me that I have been accepted into a training program that I have been on a waiting list for, for several months now. They only take a few people at a time because it costs the company a fair bit of money. Once you are enrolled you have 2 years to complete it and people were enrolling and then not finishing, so then you have to start all over. So in any case, I won’t actually be enrolled until later this year because there is a seminar that they would send me on in September so they want my enrollment date to be as close as possible to the seminar so I get the full 2 years from that point.

So, as far as I know I am enrolled for the seminar, which is on a cruise to Alaska. It is part seminar during the days we are at sea, and part familiarization trip with the cruise line we are travelling and Alaska as a destination (I am a travel agent for those who aren’t aware…yes livin’ the dream…sometimes). Now I’m not sure if I were to quit my job before September (if J gets transfered, or if I decide to move to a different company) if I would have to pay back the seminar, because generally these things are non refundable. They may be allowed to swap someone else out for me, so at this point I said yes and I’ll worry about it down the road. The bigger problem comes if I were to quit after the seminar; if I were to leave within 6 months of the seminar, I would have to pay it back (that’s company policy).

But what if I get pregnant? If it is before September I would have to tell my boss and turn down the training opportunity altogether. If it is after September, then I wouldn’t technically be quitting, plus I most likely wouldn’t be going on mat leave within 6 months of the seminar so it shouldn’t matter too much. But then I will be signed up for the 2 year training program. I’m not sure how that would be handled if I were to leave.

I am not going to say no at this point, because who knows what will happen. I can’t live my life assuming I’ll be pregnant, or we’ll be moved or who knows what. This is an awesome step in my career and my company is paying for it, so I want to take advantage.

On that note, we still haven’t heard anything from the job interview J had a week and a half ago. We’re dying here. He said he might try and contact the recruiter to see if she knows anything, or can put him in touch with the decision makers. It’s annoying because they said they would be in touch by the end of last week…still waiting!

I was having a bad day yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed at work and when I start to feel that way it makes me stressed and lately I don’t handle stress well. I think too, because this new training opportunity came up it kind of threw me a little bit. So then I fall into a downward spiral, stressed over work, thinking about our upcoming appt with Dr. M, worried about the future and what it will bring. Plus I felt like junk yesterday. Little did I know that AF was making her way to me (3 days early). I missed a BCP sometime mid cycle, so I took it in the morning when I remembered and then I forgot to take my last pill on Sunday but at that point I figured, who cares if I missed the last one.

I think once we have an answer on what’s going on with J’s job prospect, I might feel a little clearer in what I should do. Hopefully we can make some decisions and get ourselves back on track and in sight of land again, a new land of opportunities and exciting challenges.

 

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Scared/Relationship Challenge Day 14

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Today is the final day of ICLW, and I have 1 week left of my relationship challenge. I will soon be entering the two week wait, and it will be the last one for a long while. Waiting, waiting, always waiting. I am almost free of the waiting but the next one will be the worst. My life is broken into segments and pieces right now, but will soon become whole again. Everything is coming to a head. 

It’s funny, Best Friend asked me how I was feeling about it all, and I said “scared”. And as stupid as it is, I am scared if it doesn’t work, but I am also scared if it does. How can I be scared for something I’ve been hoping for, for 18 months now? It seems a bit ridiculous, because of course I want it to work, but it is hard to think past that. What if it does work? Then it’s “holy shit, I’m pregnant”, and “oh my g-d we’re having a baby”. I can’t even wrap my head around that, it seems like an impossibility.

When we first started trying, I was naively optimistic, but months went by I started really learning and investigating pregnancy and conception and had this bad feeling that something wasn’t right (even though there weren’t that many reasons to suspect it). I did discover that I had a short luteal phase, but with supplements I was able to correct it. Other than that, I didn’t really have any good reasons.

At the one year mark I went to my GP and she didn’t seem concerned, told me maybe I needed to gain some weight, but keep trying and come back if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months. Yeah, right. I’m going to purposely gain weight, and “just keep trying” for another 6 months when I’ve already been at this for 12 already. If I had taken her advice, I would just be going back to her now. Instead I’ve seen my RE twice (who normally has a 4 month wait), had 2 IUI’s and am rounding on my third and final. I think I need to fire my GP.

So here we are, standing at the edge of our (self imposed) precipice. Will it work, or will we go back to our lives as DINKs, pre TTC (not that it’s possible for us to ever get back to the place we were, but move forward without the weight of TTC on us)? Only time will tell, but either way I’m still a little scared to find out.

Relationship Challenge Day 14:

Get Enough Sleep

How much sleep do you get each night? Far too many of us are chronically sleep-deprived. Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep each night—if not eight or nine. (I do best with a solid 7-8 hours of sleep.) Some people say, “I’ve trained myself to get by on five hours,” but in fact, when researchers study these folks, they’re often quite impaired. Except for the rare true “short-sleepers,” most people function much better when they get a full night’s sleep.
Lack of sleep drags down mood, memory, focus, and immune function; it may even contribute to weight gain.
And lack of sleep affects our relationships. We’ve all heard the admonition, “Don’t go to bed angry.” True enough, but current research suggests that couples shouldn’t try to work out problems or talk about difficult subjects at bedtime. Also, they should avoid having hard conversations when one of them hasn’t slept well.
Having problems with your relationship can negatively affect your sleep; and lack of sleep can contribute to conflict in your relationship. With a good night’s sleep, it’s so much easier to keep a sense of humor, to have a sense of perspective, and to adopt a loving, good-natured attitude—with a partner, with children, or with co-workers and friends.
Resolve to “Get enough sleep.” Being well-rested may not seem like something that will affect your relationships, but it does.

This may seem like a weird one, for a relationship challenge, but sleep can be a huge influence on mood and demeanor. I, for example, am nauseous and cranky if I get less than 4 – 5 hours of sleep. I have never really had trouble sleeping until recently, and I am a night owl by nature.

J, on the other hand, never sleeps well. He has had sleep studies done, used prescription sleep aids, as well as natural (melatonin) remedies. He can sleep if medicated, but he can’t live his life like that. I don’t know how he manages on the terrible sleep he gets, but somehow he seems to have adjusted. But it is not good for him. When I was going to acupuncture, the acupuncturist asked about him and I mentioned that he doesn’t sleep well, and she seemed concerned, like that was a very important thing. Which I’m sure it is. But what can you do? A person can’t live their life, always taking sleeping pills. But otherwise, how do you train yourself to sleep through the night?

Having never really had troubles sleeping (I can sleep just about anywhere), I didn’t really comprehend the magnitude it can have on you. But recently, I’ve not been sleeping well (I’m thinking it is due to all the stress lately) and it is awful. I have been going to bed a bit earlier, and it almost seems to make it worse. I seem to wake up around 5am every morning, and have a hard time falling back asleep from there. I don’t sleep soundly anymore, and I don’t feel rested in the morning. I have crazy dreams too (clomid related?).

So, I can see how both people in a relationship getting enough sleep is a big deal. Hopefully two weeks from now, I will be sleeping more soundly. Or not. Maybe I’m just in training for my future as a parent?