#Microblog Mondays: Tears

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Infertility has given me a lot of reasons to cry, yet I don’t. Why that is, I do not know.

They threaten to appear, sometimes with the tightness in my chest, sometimes with the chokehold on my throat. Other times they make it all the way to the rims of my eyelids but they do not fall. I don’t blink them away, or swallow them down, sometimes they would be a welcome release. A much needed outlet of emotion.

They come in unexpected waves, rising up at an unexpected turn, but never do they fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Perhaps they’re waiting for the day when they can be happy tears instead.

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No Wasted Tears

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I have to admit I am not a terribly emotional person, which unfortunately sometimes gives off the vibe that I am cold or uncaring. I get a little choked up, now and again, usually at something stupid that catches me off guard. Like a tv commercial. I sometimes cry when I get really frustrated with something, but I try really hard not to cry in front of other people. I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable, and it makes them uncomfortable.

I know a lot of people have shed a lot of tears over infertility, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried over our situation. I’m not necessarily proud of this fact, like I have some sort of heart of stone, it’s just an observation I’ve made. Although infertility has probably been one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever dealt with, it’s a slow, long burn, it doesn’t generally come all at once and make me burst into tears. I don’t purposely stuff down my feelings, and I don’t necessarily think that’s what I’ve been doing but when tears bubble up at very random times I wonder where they came from.

I’ve never cried when my period arrived or when I get yet another BFN. I’ve seen that single line so many times, I’m not sure I even believe in the second line, perhaps it’s just some mythical unicorn. I just throw it in the trash and walk away. I didn’t cry when Dr. M told us we would have to do IUI (until J started crying). I didn’t cry at our first failed IUI, or our second. I do feel sad about the whole situation but I think I am more mad than anything. It just seems so unfair, J and I have had other struggles in our life together, can’t one thing just go our way for once.

I can be a bit of a pessimist, which in this instance may be a way of protecting my heart. I will admit I have let my hopes float up too high a time or two only to be disappointed but it’s always a cautious hope. I’m never certain of the outcome each month, so it keeps that ember of doubt glowing in the back of my mind. So I am usually pretty quick at picking myself up, and moving on.

But every so often, some little thing will set me off. Whether it be something sad on TV, or something my dear J says that maybe hurts my feelings or makes me mad. And I just break. I lose all composure and I sob until I feel as though my chest is going to burst. It’s as if all those little things snowball together, the slow burn rises up to an out of control fire and it all becomes too much. A cleansing cry does sometimes help me get it all out, and off my chest. But does it solve my problems? No.

To me, infertility is like a bad ex boyfriend, doesn’t deserve my tears. That may not be the most logical line of thinking, but I have lost control over so many things in my life because of it, the least I can do is try to control my emotions. But this cycle, no matter the outcome, I feel as though the tears will flow. It’s the end of an era.