Ushering in a New Year and a New Era

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New Years is never really a big deal to me, I find there is too much lead up, anticipation and time spent on trying to find the perfect thing to be doing. I also don’t do resolutions because I probably wouldn’t follow them and, I’d rather just make a change when I’m good and ready. But this time it seemed a bit more significant; this could be the year we bring a child into the world.

The past couple weeks have been crazy, with busyness at Christmas, being out of town with J’s family (and avoiding drinking, which I did, hopefully unnoticed). I managed to get a bunch of prenatal bloodwork done, as well as another beta. I had a bit of a scare when the walk in clinic called and told me the Dr wanted to discuss my results with me. They won’t give the results over the phone so it was very cryptic and ominous. They called at 8:45pm and as soon as I hung up the phone I got in my car and headed over there.

Being that it’s a walk in clinic, I saw a different Dr this time, so when he came into the exam room he asked what he could do for me. I gave him a brief explanation of my situation and that I had just done a bunch of bloodwork for early pregnancy. He looked over my results, ticked everything off, said it all looks normal and that I am indeed pregnant. He also gave me my beta, it was over 2000 and my fertility clinic told me it should have been over 1000 by that point so that was a relief. My best guess is that the walk in clinic didn’t realize I had already done a blood test for pregnancy and that’s why I got called back in. But I was glad to go, and find out my beta. It gave me some reassurance.

When I first got the positive test, and then beta confirmation I was elated, walking with my head in the clouds. I was trying to not get overly excited, and know that it is still early days. But I couldn’t help but let my mind skip forward. After letting things sink in for a while the excitement is definitely still there but it is more guarded and cautious. We’re not telling family until around the 12 week mark (as pretty much none of them know we went through IVF anyways). I did break down and buy a pregnancy journal. I’ve had my eye on it for ages. It has a page for the circumstances in which conception happened, and it has boxes for IF treatments. Won me over right away. I haven’t written anything in it yet. Probably won’t until our first ultrasound. Which speaking of that, we have a 7 week ultrasound booked for Jan. 16, and it can’t come soon enough.

It’s such a tricky place, this after IF limbo. Will I have a baby to show for at the end of this or will I get kicked back too soon, thrown back into the land of IF? I’m certainly not just a regular pregnant lady now. We went to a hockey game this past weekend with one of J’s longtime friends, and his friend’s wife. J failed to inform me that his friend’s wife was pregnant until a few days beforehand (and this outing had been in the works for at least a month). I was taken aback and at first thought didn’t want to go anymore. Then I remembered I’m pregnant too, not that we would be sharing that information with them. She is showing quite a bit already and due in April. Luckily she was very gracious and our visit did not revolve around her burgeoning belly. She was telling us how when her and her husband went to NYC when she was newly pregnant it was the worst. She felt so crappy and she cautioned us not to go on vacation during the early days of pregnancy as it was just awful. Yet here we are, sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for our connecting flight to Hawaii.

This trip was planned well in advance of our FET and though we hoped we may be pregnant by the time it rolled around, that was often the thought with many of our past trips. So we booked it, and decided we would just roll with it no matter the position we found ourselves in. Physically, I feel fine. No sickness (yet), a bit tired, my face has broken out terribly (I have problem skin to start with) and I had to manage my progesterone suppositories in an airplane bathroom. My mind is still reeling, and I hesitate from getting too far ahead of myself. I am grateful and elated, apprehensive and worried but mostly I am just trying to take it a day at a time.

I think of all you ladies still stuck in the land of IF and it sucks. I am so thankful for all of the love and support I’ve received. I hurt for you, and I wish nothing but the best for everyone this year, no matter what your circumstance. Wishing you all peace and strength to get through, the trials as well as the clarity and wisdom to know what’s best, for you and your situation.

Happy 2015.

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Superstition, Serendipity or Coincidence…Whatever You Call It, It Ain’t Workin’

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Greetings fellow infertiles, and bloggers alike! I am currently hanging out in a mountain chalet enjoying the scenery, the quiet time and not having to do or be anywhere. Plus I’m finding I sort of lose track of the day of the week or the date so our impending IUI is sneaking up without me realizing it which is kind of nice. Some times the first two weeks of a cycle can be just as painful as the two week wait after ovulation. I finished my clomid on Friday and have had very minimal symptoms. So far. No headaches this cycle, but I have gotten to enjoy some mild hot flashes. For a perpetually chilly person it was very odd for me to be stripping off layers.

I’ve been very reflective as of late, due to the New Year approaching, and also because infertility puts a microscope on your life. In my reflective musing I’ve noticed that I’ve become more superstitious, regarding infertility. I am an extremely analytical and logical person so this is not in my nature. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, infertility makes you crazy!

Case and point, I was just thinking about the day that our IUI might fall on, and I’m betting (and hoping for) Jan. 3. For one I have the morning off work, but also because 3 is my lucky number. Also, if it were to work on Jan. 3 it would make my due date Sept. 26, which is my hubby’s birthday as well as his mothers. I know of people who wear lucky socks for IUI’s or IVF treatments (I don’t like socks, otherwise I would be all over this). I can tell you I will be wearing something purple on the day of the IUI.

I also fear I’ve done things to jinx myself, which again I know is stupid. But before we started ttc I knew my mother in law as chomping at the bit for us to have kids, and I said to a friend, “won’t she feel bad if I end up not being able to get pregnant”. Um, yup pretty sure she probably does now, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact I feel, like shit too so that comment came back to bite me in the ass.

I also have a pregnancy “guide book” in my night stand that I bought a few months before we started trying, because it had some preconception stuff in it, and I figured I would need the rest of the chapters fairly shortly after that purchase anyways. And I may have read ahead to see what was In my future. Yeah that was a bit premature and now that book burns and calls to me from the drawer. I almost want to throw it out just out of spite.

Another purchase like this that I have in my house, sending out its siren call is a cute little bib hanging in our spare room (to be nursery) closet. I bought it a couple of months before we started ttc because I was out buying things for the baby my friend was about to have and I couldn’t resist. It had a cute saying on it that was sone thing special between J and I. It’s the only baby related thing I’ve allowed myself to buy, but again it was a bit a lot premature.

I keep thinking, if I only did this, or only did that maybe it would have worked by now. But I know that’s not really the case. It’s science, biology and maybe a little bit of luck. I’m already thinking forward to the next IUI in February (if we get to that one) and the serendipitous circumstances it could bring. If we end up doing an IUI in February we will find out if it worked or not on or around my birthday.

On my 27th birthday I may be standing at a fork in the road, each offering big change. Either I will head towards motherhood, or looking at uprooting our lives for a different adventure. It will offer some relief either way, and I can’t wait to move from the spot I’ve been standing in for too long.

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