And The Hits Just Keep On Coming


Ah Facebook, my worst frenemy. I know I should really just deactivate it because it causes me more heartache than anything, but I do keep up with some friends, and people message me on there rather than email or text. I know they would find another way if I suddenly disappeared, but I am addicted.

Tuesday my cousin’s wife had their twin boys approximately 7 weeks early, so of course Facebook was all a-buzz about that. Then my Aunt sent out an email to the family officially announcing it, with a couple of photos of the teeny little boys. Yesterday two brand new baby photos (one of a set of twins, and one of a singleton) showed up in my news feed, and they belonged to people I don’t even know. Two different friends of mine had commented or liked one of their friends photos, and you know how it does that thing where stuff your friends interact with show up in your news feed. Gawd, I wish it didn’t do that.

*Update: another friend announced a pregnancy on Facebook…of twins! This will be the third set of twins for people I know, over the course of a year. WTF?!

Today a friend of mine, that I don’t see very often (because him and his wife live in the US), posted a throwback thursday photo. It was the two of them dressed up as Bleeker and Juno from Halloween back in 2008, and captioned with “foreshadowing for 2014” as their subtle pregnancy announcement. Someone had wished him a Happy to-be Father’s day, but no one else really commented, and he didn’t really respond so I sort of just ignored it for the time being, though it obviously ignited my suspicions.

Someone commented on the photo that they should wear the same costumes this year, because it is so funny when a pregnant woman dress up as a pregnant person (har-dee-har-har). He commented back that it might be too late by Halloween. I immediately start counting on my fingers…she is probably about 4.5 – 5 months along already. I am surprised, and not, that they hadn’t shared yet. Her husband loves social media and is constantly posting links, and pictures, ect. But, they are fairly private people about their personal business.

It shouldn’t have been such an unexpected shock to me, they got married 18 months after us, bought a cute little fixer upper house last year, got a dog; a baby was the next “logical step”. But I am still surprised. They live their lives like J and I, doing what they want, enjoying their relative freedom. I sort of expected them to carry on their merry child-free lives for a few more years. I do forget, though, they are in their mid 30’s and don’t we all know time is off the essence?

His wife was actually my roommate when her and I were living abroad. I was 18, and it was my first time overseas, and my first time being on my own. So her and I formed a fast friendship, being that we were both in a sea of unknown, together. We’ve kept in touch over the years, her and her then-fiance came to Canada for our wedding reception held here (since our actual wedding was in Jamaica). We went to their wedding the following fall, and visited them again last May. We don’t keep in close contact, but I would consider her a treasured friend.

I’m not offended that they didn’t tell us separately (we’re not that close), but for some reason this announcement has bothered me a lot. Maybe because in them, I see myself and J. Although fundamentally, we are not very similar couples, I relate us to them. For once I don’t feel an ounce of jealousy (ok, maybe a smidge) but they are the sweetest people, and if anyone truly “deserves” a baby, it is them. Not because they had to struggle for it (though I don’t know that), but because they are really awesome people. If only that’s what really mattered in procreation, right?

I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs this week, and I suppose it is not hard to see why. I am not an outwardly emotional person, so even though I have been feeling very anxious lately, one would never know it by my demeanor. I hesitate to say I’m having a down week, because it hasn’t been all down. It has been bumpy. I am more intuitive with my feelings and emotions lately, which leads me to try to mold them.

When I feel myself getting upset, or anxious, I try to calm myself by working with my destressing techniques. And a lot of the times it works, for a little while at least. But, because I am able to observe my feelings, rein them in, and bounce back, it leads to a lot of yo-yo-ing. I suppose this is the road to being more even. First it was anxiety, and sadness most of the time, now it is more unstable ups and downs, but balanced at the same time (if that makes any sense).

I am 19 days away from CD1. We did our serology labs last week, J did his updated SA today (I am hoping Dr. M calls to give us the results, even though at this point by doing ICSI it doesn’t entirely matter). There is a stronger underlying nervousness for me. I haven’t had as much of an appetite lately, and I’ve been getting stomach aches more often. A sign I am familiar with when I am under a lot of stress. I spoke to our clinic today to clear a few things up, questions I had, based on the info they had sent. I’m just trying to manage it all, and not let my emotions get out of hand before we even hit the starting gate.

I honestly think the waiting to begin might cause more anxiety than the actual stimming will. Of course there will be new and different stresses, plus the retrieval, number of eggs, fertilization and transfer will be worries of their own. But for now, I am standing in the warm up area, with nowhere to go, just psyching myself out.

I’ll leave you with this thought, that I read on The Journal the other week, in an article by Trevor O’Sullivan;

“To those who understand childlessness an explanation is not needed, and to those who don’t understand it an explanation is not possible.”

He also cited a fantastic quote from Laura Bush, in her book Spoken from the Heart;

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”