The Heaviness of Infertility

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I started my Lupron injections Friday morning, and all went well. The needle is very small (and sharp), as is the dosage. I feel like injections are old hat as they became routine throughout the course of my IVF cycle, and personally I find the injection preferable to the 5 times daily nasal spray that was tried for my first cancelled FET. So after retrieving my meds from the fridge, and administering the dosage, I got ready for work and headed out. Around 11am that day I felt sort of weird, like I was having a lot of discharge (sorry, I hate that word) or something. So off to the bathroom I headed, and I was shocked to find blood. Apparently my period had started, on CD21. I was stunned, and horrified. I had to buy a tampon from the little vending machine on the wall (you’d really think I’d be a little more prepared and have some hanging out in my purse). I guess the pain and spotting I was having the week before last was the writing on the wall.

I called the clinic and left a message for them, advising that I had an unexpected arrival and I wasn’t sure what to do from that point. They usually return same day calls in the afternoon, so I was a zombie all day, trying to be productive but not succeeding. Nurse M finally called me back around 3:30, and her response to my situation was “You are one messed up lady!” (with a giggle). Yeah, thanks, I know. She told me that Dr. M wasn’t back in until Sunday (today) and that I should stay on my Lupron until then, and she would call me after they had discussed the situation, and what to do. She didn’t sound hopeful for the cycle continuing, as she agreed with me that this was not good.

The following hours were like living in a waking nightmare. I had to go to dinner with my mom and aunt, for my mom’s birthday and it was difficult to act normal, when my head was spinning. (I know, the fact that I don’t discuss IF with my mom is an issue for another post). My mother has problems of her own, anxiety and depression which leads to insomnia, which leads to more depression and anxiety. She is currently off work, and not in the best state. She has had these issues since I was very young, so growing up I haven’t always felt as I could lean on my mom, as she has her own demons to battle. I think this has a good lot to do with why I haven’t discussed our IF with her. But again, there is another whole post in there about her and my relationship.

My “period” had already stopped Friday evening and there was nothing all day Saturday. This morning when I went to the bathroom there was more blood, so I used a tampon but when I removed it later on there wasn’t much there. Certainly not a full flow. I waited on tenterhooks all morning for Nurse M to call, as they often call first thing in the morning if returning a call from a previous day. I had plans to go to the movies this afternoon so I was really hoping she didn’t call when I was in the movie, and have to be that person answering the phone. Thankfully she called about 30 minutes before I was about to head out.

The first thing she asked was if my period had continued to be full flow, and I told her, “actually, no”. I explained to her what had been happening and then she wasn’t sure what to tell me. Apparently Dr. M had just left, so she couldn’t speak to him about it. She asked me if I had stopped my Lupron, and I told her no, that she had told me to stay on the Lupron until she could talk to Dr. M to decide what to do. I had her at a loss, initially Dr. M had wanted me to come in to the clinic tomorrow, but now things had changed. She told me since I was still on Lupron, there was no big hurry for me to come in. So she is having me to wait until she can talk to Dr. M and she will call me tomorrow with the next steps. I’m thinking I am still going to have to go in eventually, and I would have preferred to just get it over with tomorrow, because now I have to wait one more day, and delay the inevitable.

At this rate, I can’t see this cycle continuing without some sort of miracle. I may hold the record for the fastest start and end to an FET cycle. At this rate, if this cycle gets cancelled, we will not be starting again until the New Year. We are away in Hawaii for 12 days for the first part of January, so depending on how my next cycles go, we may not be able to do anything until after we return. I’ve been very up and down emotionally this weekend. Sometimes I can put the pain, sadness and frustration down and walk away. But mostly it’s been the cloak on my shoulders, weighing me down.

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