Lady in Waiting

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Today is 4DP5DT and I am already driving myself bat-shit crazy. I feel as though my emotions are in a ping pong match, shortly after the transfer I was feeling good, and hopeful but now I am feeling desolate and forlorn. I feel nothing, no different and I know that’s not necessarily an indication of anything but I can’t help but think it means the transfer didn’t work. Tomorrow will be my first day back at work since last Friday, I’ve had the last 6 days off work because I had some vacation time that needed to be used up before the end of the year. It has been a blessing and a curse. On one hand I didn’t have to worry about calling in sick for work for the transfer, and I got to just relax and take it easy over the past few days since the transfer, on the flip side I have way too much time on my hands and I can’t stay away from google. And I don’t even have any symptoms to google. Even if I did, I know I can’t trust that it isn’t just side effects from the progesterone.

After the transfer I wasn’t on bed rest, as it wasn’t recommended by the clinic. They just told me to “take it easy” for a couple days after transfer, no sex until the results are known, no strenuous activities and obviously no drinking, or other pregnancy related no-no’s. I’ve been really good with my limited caffeine intake, going cold turkey most days (though I had already reduced it leading up to transfer). I’ve been trying to eat fairly well, get lots of rest (I’ve been sleeping in, seeing as I’ve had so much time off). I feel like an imposter, having to act like I’m pregnant.

I’m lucky in that my clinic is doing my beta only 9 days after transfer (that will be Monday), as I know a lot of people have had to wait longer than that. I am so impatient that I went to the dollar store and bought some pregnancy tests today. 4 to be exact, so that I can test every day, starting tomorrow until the day before my beta. I fully expect it to be negative tomorrow, for one because it’s probably way too early still, and secondly because I just don’t think this worked. I know I’m being pessimistic, but I just feel in my gut that it’s not going to be this easy (Ha! Like how I consider “this” easy). Maybe I’ll be proven wrong, I hope so, but I fear not. Only time will tell…

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