Hope is a Four Letter Word

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Hope (def.): the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Pff. I don’t have a lot of that left. Try insanity, as defined by Albert Einsten; “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Yup, got that one down pat.

Each failed cycle I can feel myself getting more bitter and impatient (you’d think this would be a good lesson in patience but it’s just making me more impatient if anything). I am afraid this experience is changing me for the worse, as that impatience has spilled over into other areas of my life. I am weary and jaded. Every new pregnancy announcement, ultrasound photo, baby bump, facebook announcement make me want to hurl my computer against a wall. I am turning into a hard, bitter person. I tolerate less and less from other people, though I should really be cutting them some slack, because I have no idea what their story is, just as they have no idea what I’m going through. But I can’t seem steer myself out of that dark place that turns me into a bitch.

I have cycled through a lot of different emotions during our struggle, and sometimes several all in the same day. It is a complicated thing, infertility. I think the loss of control is the hardest part, along with quelling my pain and frustration to keep it from seeping into every facet of my life. With most things in life, if I wanted something I just had to work hard enough for it, and it could be mine. With this, not so much. I want to be an “A” student, I want to win at infertility. I hate feeling helpless.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions that’s for sure but also a learning and growing experience. If I am forced to search out the silver lining, I can admit it it has strengthened our marriage, our communication and my appreciation for our children-to-be. It has also shown me that I am stronger than I thought.

If you would have foretold this struggle to me, I would have not wanted to try, I would have kicked and screamed like a little child (ok I’ve still felt like doing that at some points), but when you’re in it what else can you do but carry on. You have to wake up every morning and put your feet on the floor. Life does not stop just becase you’re suffering.

It’s been a hard-worn battle, and it’s not over yet. I have mad respect for woman who have been through 100X what I have. I hope I still have strength enough left if I get sent further down this rabbit hole.

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