I don’t really know when or how it happened, but overtime I’ve become a grown up, with grown up problems and grown up responsibilities. I remember the days when life’s difficult decisions involved how to wear my hair (ok, let’s be fair this is still a problem) or who I was crushing on at the moment. Now I have bills, responsibilities, a big girl job, a husband, dogs to take care of, and infertility to deal with. In my mind I sometimes still see myself as the 18 year old version of myself looking over the life I lead now and that part of me wonders, “how did I get here?”. Not always in a bad way, but I’m sometimes just surprised at what grown up life has to offer, what I craved when I was younger is really just the burden of responsibility.
The other night I was digging around in the bathroom to find my birth control pills, and J asked what I was doing, so I told him. Since we decided we are not going to be seeking fertility treatments for a while, I can’t deal with the uncertainty of just not trying, not preventing. J was very surprised that I was starting birth control again, he seemed rather upset that just because we weren’t actively seeking treatment that we couldn’t just see what happens. Ummm, the whole point of taking a break is so that I don’t have to incessantly worry if I’m pregnant or not. And I can’t be one of those people who “accidentally” gets pregnant. Although, I may have said it before, I will say it again; no such thing as an accidental pregnancy. Either you were preventing or you weren’t. We all know how it works. So in any case, I am continuing with my birth control.
J spent the weekend flinging resumes all over the US, and beyond. I’m hoping that things progress fairly quickly now. He will have to see who wants to interview with him, and then we’ll have to decide from those where we would really like to end up. He’ll go through interviews, and have to get paperwork done for his visas, once it gets to that point. We have a vacation booked for the end of April and I’m really hoping we will be close to moving at that point. I am excited with the prospects of a fresh start, but there are aspects of this change that I am not looking forward to, the biggest one being dealing with our family.
I am mostly concerned about J’s mom, but my mom too. Last week my mom and J’s mom went out for coffee together, and J’s mom knows more about our treatments and whats been going on with us than my mom does. So I’m sure they discussed us, our lack of pregnancy thus far and our treatment. But my mom would have probably been hurt to get more information from J’s mom than me. I know this is my fault, since I haven’t shared any of it with her, but if I had it my way, J’s mom wouldn’t know anything either, but J is pretty close with her, and is more open with her than I am with my mom. I just don’t like people knowing what exactly we’re doing, and when because then it is just added pressure of other people wondering “did it work this time?”. It bothers me immensely, so I really hate that even J’s mom knows about it. I know a lot of you out there are very close with your mothers, and discuss your infertility with them candidly. I for one, am not a very open book, with my mom or anyone else. Also, I was an “accidental” pregnancy, so I feel like my mom cannot possibly understand or relate on any level. It’s a terrible form of coincidence.
But, I know we’re going to have to be more open with our immediate families when we tell them we’re leaving. J’s siblings do know we have been trying, and at least have a vague idea that we’ve been seeking treatment, so when we tell them we’re moving they’ll probably be a bit puzzled. It’s going to come as a bit of a shock to everyone I’m sure, as we’ve never mentioned it to anyone yet. J’s mom is not going to like it one bit. She is very attached to her kids, but especially J. We moved to Australia less than a year after we got married and she was a wreck. She was just destroyed, and even when we were in Australia, tried to be constantly in communication with us (thank goodness for Skype). So, not only do we have to break it to her that we will not be giving her any grandchildren soon, we are also removing ourselves from her reach.
We’ve discussed when to tell them, but haven’t come to any conclusions yet. If they were to ask us outright about our pregnancy efforts we would probably come clean, but they generally know better than to come out and ask anymore. My mom makes veiled comments to try and get me to open up but I have the feeling the next time I see her, or talk to her she’s going to come out with it, since I’m sure she’s gleaned some new info from J’s mom and I’ll be forced into coming out with all of it. I think we’ve sort of decided to let it come out organically, when the timing seems right, but if that doesn’t happen before J starts to get serious with a new location we might have to just have to spill the beans.
I know J is really dreading it because I’m sure his mom is going to get very upset, and most likely cry. I know overall my mom will supportive (she has always been that) but sad that I am leaving, as it is just her and I; she is a single parent, and I am her only child. I know it will be a difficult transition when we do move, no matter that it will be exciting and new, finding yourself in a foreign place in a completely new situation is always scary. I am looking forward to the coming weeks though, to see what happens. As much as I feel freed by the fact that we are no longer TTC, and have started to move towards our new future, nothing has changed yet.
I feel a mixture of excitement for the future, unease for the uncertainty, and dread for dealing with our family. When did life get so complicated?
*Sidenote, J and I watched the beginning of Up (the Disney movie) the other day because he’s never seen it. Wow, forgot how sad it is.