Invested in the Grey Area

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Throughout this process, the whole process, from the first month of trying to conceive naturally, through the first appointment at the fertility clinic, and during our IUIs, I have never felt like we have had any tangible success. We’ve never been pregnant, I’ve never seen those double lines. Even during the IVF process, I was focused on taking my meds, growing those follicles, and making it to the retrieval. It was all matter of fact, specific, detail-oriented. Obviously there have been a lot of emotions through this journey, ups and downs, tentative hope and crushing failure, but nothing true and real to pin our hopes on.

When we first visited our fertility clinic, there didn’t seem to be any reason why IUI wouldn’t work for us, but I don’t know that I ever had any faith in that. At the same time, I desperately hoped it would work because I just couldn’t do IVF. In my mind, I wasn’t strong enough, brave enough, didn’t want to spend the money when “normal people” get babies for free, and never thought we would get to that point. I was just in denial. As time went on, and IUIs continued to fail, I came to the realization that IVF may be our last hope (for our own genetics at least). I came to peace with it, but was still nervous about making it through.

Though I was miserable on my meds, had many scary moments where my cycle could have been cancelled, and am still bitter that this is where our journey has brought us, I did it because I have to know I did everything to get our take home baby. As of now, we are one step closer than we have ever been to that becoming a reality.

We got the call the day after retrieval that out of 13 eggs, 9 were mature. This is pretty much exactly what I expected as there were two larger follicles that would have held over-mature eggs, and two small follicles that would have most likely been immature eggs. Out of those 9, there were 7 fertilized with ICSI. On day three of growth, those 7 had continued to divide normally, and one more of the original 9 had decided to join the bunch, though it was slow and only of fair quality. As of this morning 5 made it to freeze. There is one straggler still, only of fair quality, so I’m not counting on that one. First big hurdle done, now let’s just hope they thaw well…

We have created living cells that are half him, and half me. This situation begets a bit of a grey area for me. Although I am pro choice, and think that people need to do what is best for their own situation, I am already attached to these embryos. They are us, and could give rise to our child(ren). I found myself thinking of them often, growing and multiplying in the lab. They are now frozen in time, suspended until they can be transferred to my uterus. Created Jul. 31 but waiting on ice until it’s time to come home.

It is surreal. I have a hard time wrapping my head around it, and yet I am already so invested in them. I know we still have many hurdles to get through, the thaw, the transfer, carry to term, and birthing a child. Hope can be a dangerous thing, but I can’t help but hope, that one of those embryos is our baby.