Scared/Relationship Challenge Day 14


Today is the final day of ICLW, and I have 1 week left of my relationship challenge. I will soon be entering the two week wait, and it will be the last one for a long while. Waiting, waiting, always waiting. I am almost free of the waiting but the next one will be the worst. My life is broken into segments and pieces right now, but will soon become whole again. Everything is coming to a head. 

It’s funny, Best Friend asked me how I was feeling about it all, and I said “scared”. And as stupid as it is, I am scared if it doesn’t work, but I am also scared if it does. How can I be scared for something I’ve been hoping for, for 18 months now? It seems a bit ridiculous, because of course I want it to work, but it is hard to think past that. What if it does work? Then it’s “holy shit, I’m pregnant”, and “oh my g-d we’re having a baby”. I can’t even wrap my head around that, it seems like an impossibility.

When we first started trying, I was naively optimistic, but months went by I started really learning and investigating pregnancy and conception and had this bad feeling that something wasn’t right (even though there weren’t that many reasons to suspect it). I did discover that I had a short luteal phase, but with supplements I was able to correct it. Other than that, I didn’t really have any good reasons.

At the one year mark I went to my GP and she didn’t seem concerned, told me maybe I needed to gain some weight, but keep trying and come back if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months. Yeah, right. I’m going to purposely gain weight, and “just keep trying” for another 6 months when I’ve already been at this for 12 already. If I had taken her advice, I would just be going back to her now. Instead I’ve seen my RE twice (who normally has a 4 month wait), had 2 IUI’s and am rounding on my third and final. I think I need to fire my GP.

So here we are, standing at the edge of our (self imposed) precipice. Will it work, or will we go back to our lives as DINKs, pre TTC (not that it’s possible for us to ever get back to the place we were, but move forward without the weight of TTC on us)? Only time will tell, but either way I’m still a little scared to find out.

Relationship Challenge Day 14:

Get Enough Sleep

How much sleep do you get each night? Far too many of us are chronically sleep-deprived. Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep each night—if not eight or nine. (I do best with a solid 7-8 hours of sleep.) Some people say, “I’ve trained myself to get by on five hours,” but in fact, when researchers study these folks, they’re often quite impaired. Except for the rare true “short-sleepers,” most people function much better when they get a full night’s sleep.
Lack of sleep drags down mood, memory, focus, and immune function; it may even contribute to weight gain.
And lack of sleep affects our relationships. We’ve all heard the admonition, “Don’t go to bed angry.” True enough, but current research suggests that couples shouldn’t try to work out problems or talk about difficult subjects at bedtime. Also, they should avoid having hard conversations when one of them hasn’t slept well.
Having problems with your relationship can negatively affect your sleep; and lack of sleep can contribute to conflict in your relationship. With a good night’s sleep, it’s so much easier to keep a sense of humor, to have a sense of perspective, and to adopt a loving, good-natured attitude—with a partner, with children, or with co-workers and friends.
Resolve to “Get enough sleep.” Being well-rested may not seem like something that will affect your relationships, but it does.

This may seem like a weird one, for a relationship challenge, but sleep can be a huge influence on mood and demeanor. I, for example, am nauseous and cranky if I get less than 4 – 5 hours of sleep. I have never really had trouble sleeping until recently, and I am a night owl by nature.

J, on the other hand, never sleeps well. He has had sleep studies done, used prescription sleep aids, as well as natural (melatonin) remedies. He can sleep if medicated, but he can’t live his life like that. I don’t know how he manages on the terrible sleep he gets, but somehow he seems to have adjusted. But it is not good for him. When I was going to acupuncture, the acupuncturist asked about him and I mentioned that he doesn’t sleep well, and she seemed concerned, like that was a very important thing. Which I’m sure it is. But what can you do? A person can’t live their life, always taking sleeping pills. But otherwise, how do you train yourself to sleep through the night?

Having never really had troubles sleeping (I can sleep just about anywhere), I didn’t really comprehend the magnitude it can have on you. But recently, I’ve not been sleeping well (I’m thinking it is due to all the stress lately) and it is awful. I have been going to bed a bit earlier, and it almost seems to make it worse. I seem to wake up around 5am every morning, and have a hard time falling back asleep from there. I don’t sleep soundly anymore, and I don’t feel rested in the morning. I have crazy dreams too (clomid related?).

So, I can see how both people in a relationship getting enough sleep is a big deal. Hopefully two weeks from now, I will be sleeping more soundly. Or not. Maybe I’m just in training for my future as a parent?


Press Play


For the past 16 months I feel like my life has been on pause. I make decisions in my head thinking, well if I am pregnant by (insert random date here). For every month we’ve spent trying to conceive so far, I’ve used a due date calculator to figure out when I would be due by if I got pregnant “this month”. I’ve cycled through a whole years worth of due dates, and am making the rounds again.

For every vacation I’ve planned, I’ve made sure I would still be able to travel (therefore I pretty much don’t book anything more than 5 – 6 months out). Case and point, I was planning a cruise vacation last month for travel in late April, but had to count out and make sure I’d still be able to fly if I were to get pregnant (I’ll be fine to go, but if I am pregnant, no scuba diving for me). I was afraid that when I went on vacation with J’s family in January of this year that if I was pregnant they would know by my lack of drinking, and not scuba diving (Surprise! Sister in law beat me to that, and it was a pretty dead giveaway).

J has thought about changing jobs, or possibly locations (either within our current city, or moving to a different city). I begged him to not do anything rash as I didn’t want to have uncertainties with his job if we were to get pregnant. I have debated whether or not I should commit to long term training opportunities in my job, if I am just going to end up on mat. leave.

We’re stuck in a rut. Both J and I like a challenge, and do not like to sit and wait. We set goals, we make plans, we move forward. A rolling stone gathers no moss, right? Every month is the same, and every month takes us closer to…nothing.

That’s why we set a timeline for ourselves. We’ve always thought we want to move cities (again), whether it be only 3 hours south of our current location, to where J’s brother, and his brothers wife live. Or further; Europe, Australia, the Caribbean, Stateside? But right now, we feel as though none of these are options. We do not want to uproot in the middle of treatments, and if we get pregnant we are going to stay put for a couple years. But at least if we got pregnant and had to stay put we would have a new goal. If I get pregnant, and bring a baby into the world, we would have my year mat. leave to decide what to do from there. We can revisit our move (or maybe we won’t want to at that point), but it give us a solid two year plan.

So we have a plan in the case of success in pregnancy, or not. It makes me nervous putting a time limit on it, because what if it just takes one more cycle? But I’ve thought that before, every month in fact, since we started TTC, and it hasn’t happened. At least this way, I know there’s an end to the madness, either way. A new future to look forward to. I can press play on our life again.