#Microblog Mondays: Daily Doldrums

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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Life has been pretty quiet lately, besides telling our family that we are finally pregnant, and dealing with prenatal appointments we haven’t had a lot going on. We have had a busy couple of years, besides dealing with infertility treatments (which can monopolize a lot of time) we’ve had weddings, nieces born, many trips, and just life in general. It used to be on the weekends and days off we had lots of running around to do, and there was never enough time to get everything done.

But now, since we came home from Hawaii, first saw our baby’s heartbeat, and settled back into routines, life has slowed considerably. Perhaps it’s because we are watching this pregnancy progress day by day, that time feels slower. We don’t seem to have much to occupy our time, so we spend lazy days at home (which to some may sound great, and for a time it is but after a while it’s just boring). J gets restless, he is not the idle type. We don’t want to get too ahead of ourselves in planning for baby and I want to enjoy this time, being pregnant, just the two of us, and quiet downtime that will surely disappear once baby comes.

We’ve been living the past two and a half years in a constant state of waiting; for the next cycle, next treatment, in a heightened level of stress and willing time to move forward to the point where the goal is finally achieved. Once you reach that point, the sudden halt in anything infertility related is a bit of a jolt. Not that I wish to be back at that point in my life, so for now, I’ll take boring any day.

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Enjoy the Now

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Mondays suck. Especially when the weekend was particularly enjoyable. We had a glorious weekend, filled with sunshine, friends, family, food and drinks. I had another Saturday off, even though it was technically my “turn” to work. We spent the morning lazing on the couch, hanging out with the dogs and watching golf (yes, I like golf). J had to go out to get his brother a birthday present so I asked him to pick up some blueberries on his way home so I could make pancakes. We visited a teeny tiny little restaurant in NYC that made the most heavenly blueberry pancakes, and I wanted to recreate them in my kitchen.

J came home with blueberries in hand exclaiming that he felt like he went to Whole Foods for how much they cost (we don’t have Whole Foods in our area, but I am well aware of its nickname “Whole Paycheck”). $8 for a medium-sized clamshell of blueberries! Apparently it is still too early in the season to be buying such things. If it were me that had gone to get them, I would have said forget it at that exorbitant price, but J doesn’t see money the same way I do. Oh well, I was craving blueberry pancakes, and that’s what I got. They were delicious, although they were more blueberry than pancake (oops). The dogs also got to enjoy some of the blueberries as well, which they were quite pleased about. Most expensive dog treats ever. But hey, at least they’re healthy.

We met BIL and SIL with the nieces for some late afternoon appetizers, and we sat out on a patio. I indulged in a delicious mojito (doubles were on special, so I had a double). We then had dinner at our friends’ house, along with another couple (who we’re also friends with) and I enjoyed a few more drinks. We had a fire out in their backyard and it was so nice visiting in a quiet intimate setting, rather than a large group of people. Even J commented on the way home, that he really enjoyed himself and I was very happy that we got to have a nice evening out with friends. Him and I are both, for all intents and purposes, introverts. We don’t always come off that way, but neither of us like big parties, or being around a lot of people for an extended period of time.

I didn’t feel super awesome yesterday, even though I didn’t have that much to drink the day before. I wasn’t hung over, just really tired and felt kind of junky. For now I am not going to concern myself with my alcohol consumption. I don’t normally drink much to begin with, but summer is here and I have more parties, weddings, ect. that I will want to indulge at (or don’t want to be questioned endlessly if I don’t drink. Is it bad that I drink in front of some people so they won’t ask me if I’m pregnant?). So I will imbibe on those special occasions, but once IVF time comes around, I know I’ll have to stop. I’ll enjoy it while I can.

Sunday was another fairly lazy day. J and I went for lunch with his mom. It was a little awkward as there is still some fairly heavy family drama going on that does not  involve us, but we are, unfortunately, intertwined. I mostly get to stay out of it, but J is often caught in the middle and he doesn’t know what to do about. We had a fantastic yoga sesh yesterday, and generally enjoyed each others company. All in all a lovely weekend.

In a totally unrelated line, I’ve been using a meditation app on my phone to help me fall asleep lately (as I have had problems sleeping for the past several months). Last night I put my ear buds in and tried to fall asleep, but one of our dogs was in the bed and making it difficult to get comfortable. I tried to shift him over (he is only 10lbs after all) but he was just dead weight. Normally if I pick him up and move him, he’ll squirm or yawn or something, but this time nothing. He was making these weird wheezing noises occasionally, and for some reason I had this irrational fear that he was going to stop breathing. So then I couldn’t fall asleep because I kept touching him to make sure he was still warm, and listening to his little heart beat, and his lungs rising and falling. I was just being paranoid, and he was just really tired but it freaked me out. It was like all of my worries and anxiety were brought to the surface by this little dog sleeping soundly at my hip. So then it took forever to fall asleep, which I finally did, although it was rather fitful. So needless to say, I was not happy to wake to the screeching of my alarm this morning.

Again, totally unrelated, last week I was reading a book about called IVF: A Patient’s Guide (highly recommend it, it is written by an embryologist, for patients. Had lots of great information). J asked me what I was reading, which led to him asking what our IVF “deadline” was so to speak; when we would officially be starting, and when he should stop looking for/applying for jobs. I told him I anticipated CD1 would be around Jul. 16, and that should be pretty accurate seeing as I am on BCP, and my cycle is like clockwork on those suckers. Realizing this is only 6 weeks away, he said “well I shouldn’t even bother continuing to pursue job opportunities then”. I told him he could if he wanted to, as we agreed that we would keep at it until IVF started. But the likelihood of something coming through in that time frame is pretty slim, and he realised it. He still has some applications floating around out there, but opportunities always seem to peter out before they even get going.

He is annoyed that it hasn’t been easier for him to get a transfer, and also, obviously, frustrated with IF (which in reality is the bigger problem). I feel bad for him, because I know he blames himself for the fact that we have to do IVF. I mean, yes, when it comes down to it, the main issue seems to be on his side, but in the grand scheme it doesn’t matter whether it’s a problem with him or with me, it is a problem for both of us. But that, compounded with the fact that he can’t take this next step with his career is a lot to take. I can see how he must be feeling totally helpless.

I sort of already had it in my head that more than likely we would go forward with IVF, but I kept it to myself since I wanted J to know that I am still open to the idea of moving. If something had, or does, come up, I will still be open to it. But again, chances are not great. I am still trying to think of IVF in abstract terms and not psych myself out about it since it is still in the distance, but at the same time educate myself as much as possible. I am treating it like a research project right now, rather than something that is going to happen to me. But time is ticking away quickly, we are already in June. I know the next 6 weeks will go by quickly, as we are busy and have lots of events to attend. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding on Jul. 12, and that will be the last hurrah before diving into IVF a few short days later. It will be a good distraction, but I hope I am not to stressed out by the impending IVF cycle to enjoy it.

I have a lot bouncing around in my head lately, but I’ve mostly been doing well. I think not having to worry about TTC or even consider whether I’m pregnant or not (thanks BCP!) has helped. I still have tough days. When it is not busy at work, I troll IF blogs, and get too worked up about everything. I try to have somewhat of a plan in my head, but we all know that IF does not care about your plans. I am also trying not to think that it will work the first time. As much as I desperately want it to work, more than anything, I have to be realistic and not get overly hopeful (I know, we haven’t even started cycling, I’m just trying to stay grounded).

I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow, just to help me work through everything and hopefully be in a decent head space before we actually start IVF because I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride.