Emotional Hangover

Standard

Today has been a bit of a downer day, I am having one of those days where I am just struggling to stay afloat. I didn’t have to work today, which I am thankful for, as this week has bee a trying one work-wise (though I do have to work tomorrow). I think all of the emotion over the past few months came to a culmination with the egg retrieval and final count of our frozen embryos. There was impatience in waiting to get started, feeling like we were finally moving again after being stalled for several months once I reached CD1 and called in to start my cycle. Leading up to starting our IVF cycle there was anticipation, hope, nervousness, and a little bit of excitement. The massive ups and downs of the stimming, and then retrieval. Waiting for the phone calls from embryology to up date us on our growing little balls of cells, there was always a next thing to move toward.

And now, nothing. Just like my estrogen levels came crashing down, so too have my emotions. I am once again left with waiting, waiting for the next piece to start. Although I am happy to have a next piece, that will hopefully be the final piece, I am somehow left with a feeling of melancholy. The immense crush of infertility is again resting on my shoulders. I was able to put it aside for the task at hand that was IVF, but now it’s just limbo again.

I think know that part of this feeling is due to the fact that we have to choose whether to transfer one embryo or two. Before we even started our cycle I had my mind set on one (depending on the quality of the embryos) and I am still firm in that decision, especially since they are all of good quality. The problem is that J is not in agreeance. We had a very short, very emotional, clipped conversation about it the other night. He wants two, I tried to explain my side to him, but he doesn’t really even want to discuss it. Not because he doesn’t want to see my side, but he is very emotional about it. He just told me to choose, that he didn’t want to argue about it. I don’t want to argue about it either but I did want to discuss it. He told me he wants to do whatever will give us better odds because he doesn’t think he can go through another failure. I don’t see that as a good enough reason for us to take the riskier chance of multiples to increase our odds, when even that is not a guarantee that it will work. Not with the first transfer at least.

With my age, and the fact that we are dealing with MFI, which has been overcome by using ICSI, I feel that we have a genuinely good chance of our first single FET working. Our clinic gave us the average success rate for a single transfer being around 45%. Now interestingly enough, this is not our clinic’s figure, it is from Quebec, where IVF is provincially funded, but only for single transfer. Our clinic does not do enough single transfers to have the data for success rates. So obviously my choice of a single is not a popular one. I am willing to do a double but only if the single doesn’t work. I asked the embryologist if doing two single transfers was equal to doing a double, and he told me no. For some reason double embryo transfers do better, as if the embryos help each other, even if only one of them implants. It is some sort of weird anomaly that makes it even harder for me to turn away from a double transfer.

We have time to decide, but I doubt either of us will change our minds. If he is telling me to decide, then he is consenting to a single transfer, even if it is not what he wants, I feel it is what’s best. I just don’t want to feel guilt if a single doesn’t work. I feel doing a double right off the bat, for us, is like taking a risk, just to get something done more quickly. One may be enough, and then we would have 4 left for future use, if we want.

So, all in all, infertility is still beating me down. I thought I might have a nice reprieve between my retrieval and transfer, but I should have known better.

Advertisements

Struggling to See the Light

Standard

Good evening my fine bloggy friends, get cozy because this is going to be a long one, I have a sort of two-part post tonight. I am now sitting at 12DPIUI, 3 BFN and losing any semblance of hope that this cycle is a success. I’ve been having some more stronger cramps (an indication that AF is going to be a real bitch this time around), feeling a bit bloated and gassy, and I keep getting that feeling like I am bleeding, only to check my underwear, and nothing. I know it’s not over ’till the Red Lady sings, but I have a feeling she is in her warm ups.

tumblr_m79qv8j2KH1qklhw2o1_500

This has been a hard one let me tell you. I have been feeling as though I have a finite amount of strength/courage/bravery/patience to tackle the beast that is infertility and my stores are starting to dwindle. I’ve been reflecting on previous cycles, as compared to this one and it feels like this one is taking a bigger toll. Over the past few days I have been feeling, well, depressed I guess is the best way to put it. I’ve not been sleeping well, when I wake up in the morning I feel exhausted and that I can’t face the day. I have been having a hard time concentrating on important things like work, and driving. I just don’t have the energy to get anything accomplished lately, even small tasks seem like a lot of work. I just have a general sense of malaise settling over me.

It’s not really that surprising that I am in this place now, it has been a trying 18 months. This is the first time that I’ve really felt it hard but I don’t think it is something that I can’t overcome. I have been vigilantly watching for this time to come as depression/mental illness is in my family and therefore I am at a higher risk. I feel good that I am aware of it, and myself, enough that I can tell myself that this too shall pass (and if it doesn’t I have no problem seeking professional help).

I think this blog has helped me in that it is more than just a way to vent, and commiserate with others in IF land, but it forces self reflection and self evaluation. I often find thoughts will be rolling around in my head and I have the urge to pen notes for upcoming blog posts. This has helped me organize my thoughts, realize what I am feeling and release it. Also, I am not the best writer and this is a pretty good and harmless way to try and improve.

In putting my thoughts into this blog I’ve also notice there general tone is not a positive one. Now this doesn’t entirely surprise me, because for one infertility is not all kittens and lollipops, so discussions can turn dark. Also, I am not the most optimistic person, so I can have a hard time seeing a silver lining. But on that note, I’ve decided that I am going to try and include more positivity in my blog (even if my own woes contradict said positivity) because nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

Image

*For those of you that get this reference, you are awesome.

So anyways, I was thinking of ways I could bring positivity to my blog by focusing on something else in my life that I have more control of, because obviously putting more focus on my empty womb is clearly not the direction I need to be taking this. So it got me thinking about books I’ve read on happiness, and positivity (just because I am a pessimist, doesn’t mean I don’t try to look on the bright side…). The first one that came to mind is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary D. Chapman. It’s a good book, although a bit hokey, the principle is sound. But then that got me thinking about a book called “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. You may have heard of it because I’m pretty sure it was a best seller.

Now I am generally pretty skeptical and reluctant to dive into self help/improvement type books but I did like this book. It played well to my analytical brain as it wasn’t just all feelings and fluff, but organized, tangible things you could do to try and bring more happiness into your life. Gretchen has since wrote another book “Happier at Home” which I didn’t love as much. She also has a website that started from The Happiness Project that has a toolbox with article, tools, ect. to help you on your happiness journey. So I figured that would be a quick and easy way to pluck some positivity out of my life, and maybe bring a little sunshine back. You can visit her website here to check out all she has to offer. She has a daily inspirational quote email that you can sign up for, which I used to, but then grew tired of receiving them…

She also has a section called 21 Day Happiness Project. There are 4 that you have to pay $4.99 for, and one free one, which was the first one she ever put out and based on it’s popularity she decide to create more. The free one is based on, you guessed it, relationships! Though I am pretty confident in my marriage I know it is something I can never take for granted, because we don’t have a baby but we have each other, and that might have to be enough. Our marriage is one of the reasons we’ve waited a few years after our wedding to even start trying. We wanted to focus on us, and making sure we were strong before deciding to take on a new challenge. Anyone who says marriage isn’t work might see themselves with divorce papers in the not so distant future, or find themselves in a very unhappy marriage.

So I signed up for the relationship project, and it consists of one email per day for 21 days that offer me tips and suggestions of things I can implement to improve my relationship. So as it provides me something else to focus on for 21 days, and something else to write about, you get to come along on the journey with me.

As soon as you sign up you receive the first email of the 21, now since I signed up in the evening, this one is sort of a write off, but luckily it is something I already do in my marriage. Yay for me! Todays tip was, “Kiss in the morning, kiss at night”. Now J and I are not hardcore PDA type people but I feel we are very affectionate with each other. He always holds my hand when we are out somewhere, we always kiss in the morning before leaving for work (ok, generally J kisses me as I am still half asleep when he leaves for work), we always greet each other with a kiss whenever one of us comes home, and we generally kiss goodbye in any circumstance. We also always kiss goodnight, even if I am not coming to bed right away, I will “tuck” J in, wish him sweet dreams, and give him a kiss. Yeah, I’m a night owl and like to stay up late, whereas J works early and likes to go to bed early. Not always the best for baby making rituals, but we make it work. We also always finish any phone conversation with “I love you”, and same whenever we part from each other (to go to work, or just leaving the house for a bit). So I think we’ve got this one down.

Is it something you need to institute in your relationship? It’s something simple but makes you focus solely on your partner for those few seconds (or longer…). So as I go through my 21 (well now 20) days I shall share the wisdom among you! Enjoy.