Mercury in Retrograde


I have no idea what mercury being in retrograde even means, but people seem to blame it for strange occurrences and apparently it is happening right now, until July 1. Since I have no real reason for the strange coincidences I’ve experienced lately, mercury seems as good a scapegoat as any.

I sent my best friend a text message today to wish her good luck with her scheduled cesarean tomorrow morning. I told her to let me know when she is ready for visitors, and I will go and cuddle that little baby, and then I want to come home and just curl up in bed and cry. After I wished her all the best I was scrolling through our old text message conversations. A lot of our conversations about my infertility struggle have bounced between our iPhones, so I have this sort of built-in timeline through our messages. I knew that I had text her a photo of my last pack of birth control when I was just about finished it before officially starting to “try” to get pregnant. I wasn’t sure exactly when it was, so I decided to go back approximately two years to find it.

As I swiped further and further back through my phone, I came across a text to her in January 2013, just before we went on a trip to Mexico, when I was 3 or 4 days past when my period was due and was thinking I might be pregnant (despite having tested negative). I had told her I was nervous if I was pregnant, but hoped this was it as I was tired of the PMS hormones messing with my head. A day later, I let her know it was a false alarm and I was just late. Back up a little more, to August 2012, and a message to her just after we returned from a trip to Europe, on which I got my period. Even though it was our first “official” month trying, I was disappointed, and didn’t like all of the symptoms that cropped up not being on the pill. She told me not to get frustrated, as it didn’t often happen on the first try.

I went back little further still, to finally find the photo of my nearly empty birth control pack. June 17, 2012. Two years ago to the day. I still had a weeks worth of pills left, but I had sent it to her because it was almost time to throw caution to the wind. She was 7 months pregnant at the time, and I decided I was going to follow her lead. Tomorrow she will welcome her second child into the world and I will mark CD1 on the calendar. I’ve been feeling awful the past few days, the worst PMS I can ever remember having. I noticed a pink tinge on the toilet paper today, and generally when I am on the pill my period comes the Wednesday after I finish the pack so experience tells me tomorrow is that day.

Although I generally count my “TTC timeline” having started in August of 2012, I technically finished my last pack of pills in June 2012. It seems like a strange coincidence of events today and tomorrow. I don’t really believe in fate per se, but it does seem as though the stars have aligned in some twisted way.

I’m so close to starting the next leg of this infertility marathon, but I am so tired already. It’s a long haul, and I’ve got a big hill coming up.