Déjà vu

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My period has finally arrived, 4 days late. We can only hope the next cycle is also late, or the clinic can work around my trip. That is yet to be determined. We stayed in a hotel last night because we are out of town visiting family. So not fun hotel sex. Good thing I didn’t bleed all over the immaculate white bedding. I’m relieved to get the next cycle started, but nervous about what this cycle may or may not be the beginning of.

Today, I will be attending my nieces’ joint birthday party (they were born on the same day, both by c-section. So, yes, it was intentional). I am having a sense of deja vu, because close to this time last year we were visiting my sister in law in the hospital just after she had my niece, her second daughter. This same weekend we were visiting their new baby, my period decided to show up, driving us closer and closer to beginning our journey with IUIs, and then IVF.

While we were staring down infertility treatment, my brother and sister in law had just added another child to their family and been discussing adopting two little boys. Because my sister in laws pregnancies had been very difficult, but they (she) wanted to continue to build their family, they thought adoption would be a good “solution”. I’m certain they knew nothing about adoption, how it works, and what it cost. It was just their newest fantasy, they had cooked up while enjoying their new sweet baby. But it led to me cry in a mall food court when J told me. Happy birthday to my darling nieces, the living reminders of my infertility.

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M.I.A. Where I’ve Been, and Where I’m Going

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I’m sorry, I’ve been a bad blogger. I don’t really know what happened, or where the time went. I wrote my last blog post, and then J went out-of-town, and I had intentions of writing some updates, getting some pre IVF jitters off my chest. And then J was home, and I still hadn’t written anything. I was having good days and some bad days but I was feeling ok. I wasn’t having as much anxiety about our impending IVF cycle, and so I decided maybe I would just take a little bit longer of a blogging break. I’ve still been following along, and sporadically commenting but some of you may be wondering where I went (maybe? Maybe not?). I was in a friend’s wedding this past weekend, and the lead up to that was taking a lot of my time and attention (which was a nice distraction). In the past few weeks I’ve eaten sushi, drank (in excess at the wedding), had as much caffeine as I damn well please, and generally done what I want, when I want.

So here I am, on CD1 of my IVF cycle. I thought AF wouldn’t show up until tomorrow (CD29 rolling into CD1) because when I’m on BCP that’s usually how it goes. I was paranoid that she would be late, but I started feeling bloated and crampy over the weekend, and then today, there she was. So I picked up the phone and left a message on my clinic’s IVF line. I called later this afternoon, so I am expecting a call tomorrow morning telling me to come in Thursday morning for my baseline ultrasound. It’s go time. But first, let me back up and tell you what’s been going on, ’cause it’s a lot.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and not just because of IVF barreling down on us. Recently we’ve been considering purchasing a new condo, in our same building, but on a higher floor, with a bit more square footage. We are fortunate enough to have a small mortgage on our current unit which would allow us to keep both, and have one as a rental property. Figuring out the purchase is a bit stressful, as it will mean we will have two mortgages. Not to mention we would be purchasing from the executor of an estate, so we are not working with a realtor, as overall it is a pretty cut and dry sale. We already live here, we know the details of the building, but all of the legal paperwork, and figuring out the best tax arrangements for our situation is a little over my head. We have bankers, lawyers and parentals to help us, but it is still a big thing, and it is sort of scaring me. We may not get it, we aren’t willing to pay more than we think it is worth, and that may not jive with the family member executing the will. So be, it isn’t the be all end, all we just thought it would be a smart investment. So, that’s all going on right now.

In addition to that, J has been interviewing for an international job transfer (he applied for it a while ago, and they just recently contacted him). It has seemed to be much more serious than many of the other interviews he has had in the past months, and they are wanting to make a decision by the end of this week, or early next week. Let’s just say it is somewhere tropical…So if he gets the offer, we think we will take it. I may be pregnant, we may have embies on ice, or we may have nothing, but we can’t keep putting things on hold so we are going to go about our lives in the best way we can while trying to continue our IF journey.

One last thing that came up somewhat recently as well; J has a rather large lump on his leg, that has been there for about a month or so, but has gotten larger. He finally went to the Dr. last week, who then sent him for an ultrasound. They called yesterday and asked him to come in on Wednesday for the results. He asked if he couldn’t just get them over the phone, and they said no, that he needed to come in. So if that’s not scary as all hell, then I don’t know what is. Obviously there is some reason for the bump, but we have no idea of what it could be, or how serious it is. That one has got me very worried. So we will have to wait and see.

So with all of the above going on, we are also about to embark on our IVF journey. Before AF even started today I was feeling anxious, and then once I made the call to the clinic, my nerves increased. Now I am feeling calmer. It is like knowing you have a mountain to climb, but that you don’t have any choice but to do it. Methodically plugging through becomes the default. We’ll manage it, somehow. Other parts of our life will play out, however they may, and we will deal with whatever comes. We’ve become good at that, IF is a good teacher in patience and perseverance, although not the nicest way to learn. With that, so begins IVF 1.0.

CD1/Relationship Challenge: Day 3

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So even though I just snuck it in the title there’s no denying it; it is cycle day 1 people. After feeling all day like my period was starting and constantly checking my undies she didn’t really start until I got home from work today. She kindly waited until I came home from possibly one of the hardest/shittiest days of my career to make her presence truly known. So now I’m hanging out on the couch with yucky cramps and a pissy attitude. I did however go out and buy some of my favourite ice cream, coke, chips and we had pizza for dinner. I’m giving the middle finger to being healthy today. I am however going to try and be better and healthier this cycle. After today. Seeing as it will be our last cycle for a long time (I’ll get back to that another day) I am going to throw everything I possibly have at this one. I haven’t wanted to deny myself/force myself to do certain things that may or may not help me in any way and then just become grumpy when another cycle fails anyways but since we are going to take a break I figure I can handle one month with no (ok almost no) soda, more exercise and drinking weird teas my acupuncturist recommends.

Our 3rd and final IUI should be around Jan. 30, so lucky me I’ll have managed to fit two IUIs into one month. Some nice start to 2014. I will start clomid yet again on Sunday. I also have an acupuncture session booked for Sunday and I will continue with it as much as recommended until my IUI. Unfortunately my IUI will fall just before Super Bowl Sunday and we are going to a party but I should be able to play off not drinking with so many people around hopefully no one will notice.

I have a fairly busy weekend planned. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow with one of my childhood friends who is getting married in July. I have acupuncture and yoga Sunday, as well as a meeting with our realtor (we might be buying a new condo). Another friend of mine is getting married in Las Vegas in October, so we’ve been working on planning her wedding and are going dress shopping for her in two weeks.

It’s nice to have weddings to focus on right now instead of babies (though there will be plenty of babies this year). My friend getting married in Vegas is in her late 30’s, has never been married and has no kids, nor will she gain any step children and she is happy about it. She does not want kids, and her and I have become close over the years as we are pretty much the only two in our circle without kids (though her by choice, she doesn’t know we’ve been trying). I do fear that my other friend will get pregnant shortly after getting married but at least by that point I will either be pregnant or on birth control and no longer actively ttc so hopefully when it happens it won’t sting as much. Only time will show what the future holds. So that’s my life at the moment.

Now onto the relationship challenge day 3; Make the positive argument.

“I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes I fall into a spiral of criticism. He annoys me by not answering my emails, and that gets me thinking about how he also annoys me by not mailing an important form, and so on.

I discovered an excellent technique to combat this tendency. In general, people are very skillful at arguing a particular case. When a person takes a position, he or she looks for evidence to support it and then stops, satisfied. This mental process gives the illusion that a position is objective and well justified. However—and this is the useful point—a person can often make the very opposite argument, just as easily. If I tell myself, “I’m a shy person,” I remember examples of my shyness. If I tell myself, “I’m an outgoing person,” I remember times when I was outgoing. I’m able to argue both conclusions quite persuasively.

To make use of this phenomenon, I’ve resolved to “Make the positive argument.”

When I catch myself thinking, “My husband isn’t very thoughtful,” and my mind starts kicking up examples of thoughtlessness, I contradict myself with “He’s very thoughtful”—and sure enough, I’m able to come up with many examples of his thoughtful behavior. “He doesn’t enjoy celebrating holidays”; “He does enjoy celebrating holidays.”

I can actually feel my opinion shift. It’s almost uncanny.

Resolve to “Make the positive argument.” You’ll be amazed at how convincing you can be—to yourself.”

Ok, I’ll admit I’m not very good at this one. It’s true when J does something to piss me off it reminds me of other times, other things that have made me mad in the past. This is a terrible thought process that can get me all wound up over something stupid and trivial. And then I might flip out for something as simple as not taking out the trash or leaving a mess in the kitchen. Also, this is me being a hypocrite. I know it will be hard to think of nice things J has done when I just want to wring his neck. But I can see it making me feel more kind and patient towards him. So let’s give it a try!

Sidenote/question; does your significant other read your blog?  I mentioned to J that I started a blog but he doesn’t read and I don’t really want him to…