Moving Forward With The Pain


Today is my 27th birthday (I know, I know, I’m still a baby, or so everyone keeps telling me). I’m not telling you that to garner birthday wishes (but thank you anyways) but rather because birthdays are sort of like the New Year, causes you to reflect back to what you did between now and your last birthday, and life in general. This birthday especially is ushering in a new time in my life. We are pressing pause on TTC to press play on life.

It has still been tough in the past few days. AF made her appearance a day late, because she wanted to make it a special Valentines for me. Bitch. Luckily we don’t bother much with Valentines day, especially because it falls so close to my birthday, I like to think I am giving J a break. He sure did spoil me this year though. I got three days of presents, and we are going out to dinner tonight, and then to see West Side Story on it’s opening night (I won tickets from an online contest with our local news station, how rad is that?!). I don’t have to work today, so I am taking myself for a massage, and a pedicure and generally doing whatever the hell I feel like.

I do have a sort of newfound sense of freedom, even though it has come at the high cost of not being pregnant. We haven’t really said anything to any of our family, or anyone really (I told BFF). It’s still too raw for us, plus we don’t have any concrete plans in place for the future yet. We’ve so far made a list of the places where J has job opportunities (must be warm, or at least warmer than here which isn’t hard, and near water) and he is going to start flinging resumes soon. He did speak to his highest boss about what is going on, because he will have to tell him once he starts applying for jobs (it’s a rule with his company when applying internally). His boss is supportive, as J is highly regarded in his place of work, and I know he will help us in any way possible.

I mentioned previously that this has hit J pretty hard, as I think up until the point when we got our final BFN he had more hope than I did. It was the finality of seeing that single line on our last chance IUI that really hit home. I think he maybe wishes he would have taken his supplements more diligently, quit smoking sooner, worked out more, ect. He has no sense of urgency until a situation is dire, unfortunately, and it takes that direness (is that a word) to light a fire under his ass. It took this to truly break him out of his naiveté in regards to our situation. I think he realizes now that IVF is pretty much going to be our only hope.

Prior to our failed IUI’s I really didn’t want to do IVF because I knew how difficult it would be, and I read all of these other blogs of women going through it, and the inconvenience it brings to daily life, the awful meds, and painful retrieval, the huge cost, and all of it not promising success. I think we are extremely good candidates for it, as our lack of success has been due to (as far as we know) J’s mild male factor infertility. His swimmers can’t get to where they need to be, there aren’t enough of them, and not so many of them are able to break into the egg but once there is forced intervention on all of those fronts I don’t foresee any problems. But, that’s my hope at least. We all know it doesn’t go according to how you think it will.

Yesterday was Family Day in several Canadian provinces and we met up with J’s brother and wife, along with their two little girls for brunch. It was bitter sweet as always. Their perfect little family and childless us. J talks to his brother about our IF and he knows about our IUIs but he doesn’t know the result of the last one and luckily he didn’t ask. J was a little down after the visit with them.


Just after brunch J was trolling Facebook and saw the quote above. He wordlessly turned the screen to show it to me. I nodded silently and he said “Too much, we’ve been through too much.” Ain’t that the truth. We have been through a lot more than just IF, in our (relatively) short time together (just under 8 years together, and almost 4 years married). We have been tested time and time again. There was a point where we almost didn’t make it, but we aren’t quitters, and we won’t give up on each other.

It feels so unfair, but life’s not fair. When J showed me that quote, I told him it helps me not be afraid for our future because we’ve already been through enough things that should have torn us apart that I know we’ll make it. Perhaps that isn’t realistic but it’s the way I feel. We have invested so much in each other and our relationship that I can’t imagine anything destroying that.

I’m going to keep blogging, just about life in general, our fresh start and a little IF sprinkled here and there. Just because the weight of TTC has been lifted, the pain of IF is still there. Thank you to my IF bloggy support network, wouldn’t survive without you ladies and I’ll still be here cheering from the sidelines. And when my time comes to get back in the ring I’ll be looking for all of your sage wisdom.