#Microblog Mondays: Tears Pt. II

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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There is a brown bib hanging in our spare room closet, it has green lettering and says “Daddy’s Little Monster”. My husband calls our dogs little monsters (affectionately), so when I was shopping for my best friend’s first baby, back in May 2012, it seemed like an appropriate purchase for myself and J since we were about to start trying for a baby of our own. It is the only baby related item I own (besides a pregnancy book). Two and a half years down the road, I began to wonder if that bib was cursing our efforts (I know that’s not reasonable, but it started to feel like a bad omen).

On Dec. 20 when I got my first ever positive pregnancy test I took the bib out of the closet, put it on one of my dogs and sent him to my husband. He looked at the dog, looked at me and I held out the positive test to him. “Really?” he asked, incredulously. I nodded, and he pulled me close and tight. At that moment I began to cry, uncontrollable, gaspy sobs. All of the emotional weight I had been carrying poured out of my eyes and onto his chest. It felt so cathartic, and I didn’t realise the force that was behind them until they sprang forward. Here’s hoping for happy tears only, for the remainder of this pregnancy.

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#Microblog Mondays: Beta Edition

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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This morning I went for my blood draw at the hospital where my clinic is located, which they advised me to do so they could get the results ASAP. My transfer nurse suggested that I call the clinic after I did my bloodwork to let them know it was done so they could call me as soon as they had the results. I expected to hear from them later in the afternoon, as is their M.O. My phone rang around 9:30 when I was driving to work. The nurse informed me that my beta was positive. I am indeed pregnant. It was at 131, a solid number. I am so relieved.

I peppered her with questions about what to do now, as the new protocol at my clinic is that they do not do any additional monitoring beyond the first beta and then they pass me off to my family doctor. My family doctor sucks, and I haven’t seen her ever since I started going to the clinic. I called her office to see if she was working and could order my next requisition (which my clinic wants me to do in the next couple of days) and she isn’t back until Jan. 6. I asked if another doctor could request the requisition and the receptionist said no, that I would have to go to a walk in clinic. So forget them. I will go to a walk in clinic for the beta, and have them refer me straight to an OB where I can go for my 7 week ultrasound.

The nurse told me based on my transfer date, I am 4 weeks today and my due date is Sept. 2, 2015. Merry Christmas to us!

*And for your viewing pleasure, our BFP pee stick (7dpt5dt)

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The Other Person in the Room

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Throughout this process, infertility treatments and trying to make a baby, I have been in some awkward situations. Multiple people investigating my lady-business, with my husband sometimes bearing witness. I’ve had ultrasound wands, needles, speculums, catheters and more used on me. I’ve had to give up all modesty as I lay under a light with my feet in stirrups for a nurse, doctor, and embryologist all at once, while my husband sits by my head.

And just recently J has joined me in the bathroom for my neurotic morning ritual of testing for pregnancy. In all previous cycles, natural and IUI I would try and be secretive in my testing and J would patiently wait until I told him my period had arrived (when it inevitably would), and that would be that. I started testing on Thursday (5dp5dt) and received stark white. I stupidly left the test on the counter as I showered and when I got out, there was a line albeit faint but it was well outside the allowed timeframe for accuracy and I dismissed it in my mind as an evaporation line. When I looked at it later in the day is was some what distorted and discoloured, proving my theory.

I tested the next morning, with J tensely waiting alongside, to be disappointed by another solitary line staring back at us. At that point J stormed out of the bathroom, declaring “No more testing!”. He later apologized, and told me he just hates seeing the negative, whereas for me it keeps me in check and doesn’t let my hope get too inflated.

He told me he wouldn’t mind if I tested this morning, but he wasn’t going to wait and he went to work. At first I was undecided whether or not to test but I can’t help myself and I had to do it. I propped the box up so I couldn’t see the test and set the alarm on my phone. As I stood in the bathroom by myself, I moved the box and leaned in to get a closer look. It took me a moment to realize there were two lines, the second faint but definitely there, and well within the allowed timeframe. I did a little freakout dance, hopping from one foot to another and thought to myself, “the one time I am completely alone, and I wish I weren’t”. But the test on the counter reminded me otherwise. I was not alone, there were two of us in the bathroom at that moment.

Glimmers

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Today I am 9DPIUI. I still don’t really feel anything, PMS or otherwise. My boobs were a little sore yesterday and this morning, but that’s not entirely unusual for this time in my cycle when I’m getting closer to when AF shoud start. I have a beta requisition for Jan. 18, 2 days after I should get my period. I guess they figure they don’t want to waste time on a blood test if I haven’t even waited to be late. But I want it sooner!

I have moments where I feel a glimmer of hope, but then I remember how badly the IUI went this time (see this post). I am trying not to get my hopes too high, so that I am not disappointed. Again. I mean, let’s be real, I’m going to be disappointed if it doesn’t work, but it’s all about controlling the degree of heartbreak and I’m aiming for less than a 3/10. I don’t want water works, I don’t want tantrums, but that’s not my style anyways.

I have become resigned to my period. She’s shows every month, mostly like clockwork. If this were a science experiment (well, it kind of is) that data would show that based on the previous 19 attempts where AF has shown 100% of the time, the likelihood of her showing again this cycle is pretty good. I know that’s not how it works, but that’s how it feels. So it helps me protect my heart to think in those terms. I know J will be disappointed. I know he was last time, though he didn’t show it much.

I am at the point where I feel like I can’t wait any longer. I was trying to convince myself that I would wait until 12DPIUI, but I don’t think I can do it. I think tomorrow may be the day. I may get a false BFN by doing it that early or I may get a real BFN, but it’s like a crack addict taking a hit (or so I would imagine), just by POAS it takes the edge off and helps me wait it out a little longer.

I am sooo good at rationalizing things in my head, and talking myself in circles, so here is my reasoning for testing tomorrow;

* J and I will both be home, all day.

* We have no plans, except to go to yoga.

* It gives us the day to digest whatever news.

* All of these will be a moot point if it’s negative because then I’m not even going to tell J that I tested.

So there you have it. There may be a day or two of silence from me either way but I’ll come back with the result in a couple of days.

5DPIUI and nothing is happening…

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Not that I thought it would at this point. I’m just impatient. I hate waiting and I swear everyday is crawling. I am busy at work, so that’s one good distraction. My car is also being a distraction in that it is being a piece of junk (it’s not even that old) so I had to get to work on the train today, and looks like I will be tomorrow as well. My battery is dead, like completely gone, won’t take a charge nothing. But because our weather has been so crap out lately I can’t get my battery replaced until soonest tomorrow evening (hopefully).

I would like to add more activities to my life so as to keep me distracted from the two week wait, waiting to ovulate, waiting, waiting always waiting. But at the same time, I already spend one evening a week away from home, plus yoga Sundays, the gym sporadically through the week (if J can cajole me to come with him) and if I have acupuncture, or a massage booked that’s more things. I surely could fit a lot more things into my life if I wanted. I do watch a lot of tv. I used to read a ton! I haven’t read in a long time except on vacation when I devour books as fast as humanly possible. At one point I wanted to join a book club, but I hate having to rush off somewhere after work. After work I just want to come home and relax. Now I could do more productive things with my time while I’m at home rather than sitting on my ass all night. I’m just not really a hobby person.

I don’t want to say I’m making a (late) New Years resolution. Because I’m not. I don’t make those. It’s just a thought. I want to read more and I love reading; I love non fiction because I can learn, but I love a good fiction book too because I can also get really wrapped up in a good story. I want to learn how to do my make up properly. I look presentable and I have all variety of eyeshadows, highlighters, ect. but I don’t necessarily know how to use them all properly. I asked for a nice set of make up brushes for Christmas, and wish granted so I suppose I should learn how to use them. I want to go to the gym more (yeah yeah, cliche). I don’t need to lose weight but I am fairly out of shape. But I haaate exercise. The only thing I like is yoga, but I generally only manage to make that once a week. I got J to come with me this weekend and although he struggled mightily with a majority of it, he did enjoy it.

Speaking of J, the other night we’re laying in bed and he asks me when I get to test. And this was like 3DPIUI. So nothing like both of us being amped up and antsy about testing. He’s never usually like this, but the longer this has gone on, the more involved he’s gotten, which is a blessing and a curse. So here we are in limbo again.

And there are others joining the wait today, good luck and juju baby vibes going out to Mallory at No Bun in This Oven and Lindsey at Awaiting Autumn who both had their IUI’s today!

So I have nothing exciting to talk about right now. I’ll try and think of something better for next time but I wanted to make sure I didn’t drop off the face of the earth and not post until I get the results of this IUI.

Oh, also I hit a record hit number of site visits the other day! So thanks to all the visitors, don’t be a lurker, come out and say hi! I have to say it seems mostly due to the fact that I signed up for IComLeavWe this month so I will be a commenter extraordinaire towards the end of this month. It will be my first one, so I’m not really sure what to expect but I’m excited to make some more IF friends! And one last side note, WordPress is being a bitch and keeps unfollowing people for me, so if it seems I have disappeared as your follower, it’s not you it’s me (or rather WordPress)!