The Show Must Go On

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I was a fool to believe
A fool to believe
It all ends today
Yes it all ends today

Today’s the day
When dreaming ends

Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

The show must go on.

“The Show Must Go On” – Moulin Rouge

Pretty much sums it up. BFN this morning, pink tinge when I wiped last night. It’s not AF but it may as well be. I’ll elaborate further when I’ve collected my thoughts.

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It’s Not Over, Until It’s Over

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But I’m pretty sure it’s over. I cheated, and I tested today instead of tomorrow and got a Big Fat Negative. I rationalized it in that if I did it tomorrow morning, no matter negative or positive, I wouldn’t want to go to work after. Plus I wanted to be able to share it with J and he’ll be gone early tomorrow morning.

With a FRER, they are apparently 78% accurate within 4 days of your expected period (Thursday for me) so there is a chance it was too early, and I said as much to J, but I don’t think it was. I think I’m just not pregnant. I feel exactly the same as I do every month. The intermittent, very short bouts of cramping has begun. My boobs have been a bit achy, which happens every month before AF.

So J said we’ll wait till Wednesday and test again but we ‘re both acting as though it’s not going to happen, and looking ahead to plans for the future, where we might move, how we’ll break it to the parents (the fact that we’re leaving, as well as the fact that we’re still not pregnant).

But I realise there’s still a chance. And that fact is going to drive me crazy for the next 4 days. It’s not over till the fat lady sings (or the red lady shows, I guess) so I’ll be keeping an eye on my BBT and testing again Wednesday with my last FRER. I’ll keep you all apprised of the ongoing saga as soon as I have something more definitive to share…

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CD1/Relationship Challenge: Day 3

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So even though I just snuck it in the title there’s no denying it; it is cycle day 1 people. After feeling all day like my period was starting and constantly checking my undies she didn’t really start until I got home from work today. She kindly waited until I came home from possibly one of the hardest/shittiest days of my career to make her presence truly known. So now I’m hanging out on the couch with yucky cramps and a pissy attitude. I did however go out and buy some of my favourite ice cream, coke, chips and we had pizza for dinner. I’m giving the middle finger to being healthy today. I am however going to try and be better and healthier this cycle. After today. Seeing as it will be our last cycle for a long time (I’ll get back to that another day) I am going to throw everything I possibly have at this one. I haven’t wanted to deny myself/force myself to do certain things that may or may not help me in any way and then just become grumpy when another cycle fails anyways but since we are going to take a break I figure I can handle one month with no (ok almost no) soda, more exercise and drinking weird teas my acupuncturist recommends.

Our 3rd and final IUI should be around Jan. 30, so lucky me I’ll have managed to fit two IUIs into one month. Some nice start to 2014. I will start clomid yet again on Sunday. I also have an acupuncture session booked for Sunday and I will continue with it as much as recommended until my IUI. Unfortunately my IUI will fall just before Super Bowl Sunday and we are going to a party but I should be able to play off not drinking with so many people around hopefully no one will notice.

I have a fairly busy weekend planned. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping tomorrow with one of my childhood friends who is getting married in July. I have acupuncture and yoga Sunday, as well as a meeting with our realtor (we might be buying a new condo). Another friend of mine is getting married in Las Vegas in October, so we’ve been working on planning her wedding and are going dress shopping for her in two weeks.

It’s nice to have weddings to focus on right now instead of babies (though there will be plenty of babies this year). My friend getting married in Vegas is in her late 30’s, has never been married and has no kids, nor will she gain any step children and she is happy about it. She does not want kids, and her and I have become close over the years as we are pretty much the only two in our circle without kids (though her by choice, she doesn’t know we’ve been trying). I do fear that my other friend will get pregnant shortly after getting married but at least by that point I will either be pregnant or on birth control and no longer actively ttc so hopefully when it happens it won’t sting as much. Only time will show what the future holds. So that’s my life at the moment.

Now onto the relationship challenge day 3; Make the positive argument.

“I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes I fall into a spiral of criticism. He annoys me by not answering my emails, and that gets me thinking about how he also annoys me by not mailing an important form, and so on.

I discovered an excellent technique to combat this tendency. In general, people are very skillful at arguing a particular case. When a person takes a position, he or she looks for evidence to support it and then stops, satisfied. This mental process gives the illusion that a position is objective and well justified. However—and this is the useful point—a person can often make the very opposite argument, just as easily. If I tell myself, “I’m a shy person,” I remember examples of my shyness. If I tell myself, “I’m an outgoing person,” I remember times when I was outgoing. I’m able to argue both conclusions quite persuasively.

To make use of this phenomenon, I’ve resolved to “Make the positive argument.”

When I catch myself thinking, “My husband isn’t very thoughtful,” and my mind starts kicking up examples of thoughtlessness, I contradict myself with “He’s very thoughtful”—and sure enough, I’m able to come up with many examples of his thoughtful behavior. “He doesn’t enjoy celebrating holidays”; “He does enjoy celebrating holidays.”

I can actually feel my opinion shift. It’s almost uncanny.

Resolve to “Make the positive argument.” You’ll be amazed at how convincing you can be—to yourself.”

Ok, I’ll admit I’m not very good at this one. It’s true when J does something to piss me off it reminds me of other times, other things that have made me mad in the past. This is a terrible thought process that can get me all wound up over something stupid and trivial. And then I might flip out for something as simple as not taking out the trash or leaving a mess in the kitchen. Also, this is me being a hypocrite. I know it will be hard to think of nice things J has done when I just want to wring his neck. But I can see it making me feel more kind and patient towards him. So let’s give it a try!

Sidenote/question; does your significant other read your blog?  I mentioned to J that I started a blog but he doesn’t read and I don’t really want him to…

21 Day Relationship Challenge: Day 2

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Yes, I know I missed yesterday, but apparently I signed up too late in the evening on Tuesday so they skipped sending me day 2 until this morning instead of yesterday. So getting right down to it; today’s “step” is Give Gold Stars. I’ve decided I’ll post each except from the email so you can read it yourself and it’s not just me paraphrasing it to what I’ve gleaned from it;

“No surprise, studies show that receiving a partner’s “affective affirmation”—psych-speak for one person’s actions or words to make the other person feel loved, appreciated, desired, and supported—is very important to happiness. Who doesn’t love to get a gold star?
As a gold-star junkie myself, I was intrigued by researchers’ arguments that men need more gold stars from their partners than women do, because women get much more positive support outside marriage. Family members, colleagues, friends of both genders, and even strangers give more frequent affirmation to women than to men. Men, by contrast, depend much more on their partners for empathy and intimacy.
This prompted me to adopt the resolution to “Give gold stars.”
How? I tell my husband “I love you” more often. I try to be helpful even when he hasn’t asked for help—say, by bringing him aspirin if he has a headache. I thank him even for something that’s “his” job. I email him sweet photos of the girls. I try to be accommodating if he wants to go to the gym, leave a party early, work over the weekend, or when he asks me the same question over and over.
Resolve to “Give gold stars”—you make your partner feel more beloved, and at the same time, you make yourself feel more loving”

I felt like this was another one that I am fairly proficient at. I try and show appreciation for the things J does for me, to let him know I appreciate him (and also to reaffirm the things I would like him to continue doing, so shoot me, I may be using it as a dual purpose). When J cooks dinner I always thank him for the meal, if he cleans the house I thank him for his work (even if he doesn’t do it the way I like). I don’t give J a hard time if he wants to go out with his friends, or do something that is “for him”. He will call me to “ask” if he can do something, but really he’s just making sure we don’t have plans and letting me know he’s making plans, he doesn’t think he has to get my permission to do something. And I take pride in being a fairly chill wife.

Sometimes it’s hard to be appreciative if I am in a particular mood, or if he’s doing other things that are pissing me off. But it is something good to be mindful of. So I will continue to dole out the gold stars.

Now onto another matter, what we’re really all here to talk about. My uterus. Or your uterus. Our collective uteri (yup that’s the plural of uterus). Mine is doing nothing so far, AF has not arrived but neither has a BFP. I tested again this morning. I wasn’t going to but then J asked me last night if I was and I said no, I didn’t want to waste a test and he said “well what about the one you did on Tuesday?”. Touche. And he doesn’t know about the one on Monday. Or yesterday. So I did it just to see, and still nothing. I have a  requisition for bloodwork to test for hCG on Saturday so if AF is still a no show I will go, but I am banking on her Royal Red Highness showing tomorrow.

I was feeling pretty strong today, but then a client chewed me out (for something that I had already explained to him, but he didn’t understand it at the time and then when he looked it over he was mad). And then I felt crappy, like I might want to have a little cry. I hate when people ruin my day like that. I am moving past it now but I just took it too personally at the time. So I’m going to be keeping a watchful eye on my undies in the coming days, but I have a busy weekend planned so even if CD1 is imminent I will be well distracted. Happy Thursday!

Patience is not a virtue I possess

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Well I won’t keep you all waiting in suspense. I’m posting this from my phone while still in bed because I woke up super early and couldn’t fall back asleep so I knew it was time to test.

It was stark white. BFN. I can’t say I’m surprised but you always get that swell of hope rising in your chest as you wait for the test to develop and then when you see that single line that hope wooshes out of your body leaving you deflated and empty. It felt the same this month as it has every other month.

I know some will say it’s still early, which it sort of is, but I think it’s already over. I’m formulating my game plan for my next cycle already. So that’s about all I’ve got for now. I’m going to watch the Golden Globes tonight and eat ice cream while wrapped in my fluffy duvet while J watches football in the other room. How romantic! Happy Sunday everyone!

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Glimmers

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Today I am 9DPIUI. I still don’t really feel anything, PMS or otherwise. My boobs were a little sore yesterday and this morning, but that’s not entirely unusual for this time in my cycle when I’m getting closer to when AF shoud start. I have a beta requisition for Jan. 18, 2 days after I should get my period. I guess they figure they don’t want to waste time on a blood test if I haven’t even waited to be late. But I want it sooner!

I have moments where I feel a glimmer of hope, but then I remember how badly the IUI went this time (see this post). I am trying not to get my hopes too high, so that I am not disappointed. Again. I mean, let’s be real, I’m going to be disappointed if it doesn’t work, but it’s all about controlling the degree of heartbreak and I’m aiming for less than a 3/10. I don’t want water works, I don’t want tantrums, but that’s not my style anyways.

I have become resigned to my period. She’s shows every month, mostly like clockwork. If this were a science experiment (well, it kind of is) that data would show that based on the previous 19 attempts where AF has shown 100% of the time, the likelihood of her showing again this cycle is pretty good. I know that’s not how it works, but that’s how it feels. So it helps me protect my heart to think in those terms. I know J will be disappointed. I know he was last time, though he didn’t show it much.

I am at the point where I feel like I can’t wait any longer. I was trying to convince myself that I would wait until 12DPIUI, but I don’t think I can do it. I think tomorrow may be the day. I may get a false BFN by doing it that early or I may get a real BFN, but it’s like a crack addict taking a hit (or so I would imagine), just by POAS it takes the edge off and helps me wait it out a little longer.

I am sooo good at rationalizing things in my head, and talking myself in circles, so here is my reasoning for testing tomorrow;

* J and I will both be home, all day.

* We have no plans, except to go to yoga.

* It gives us the day to digest whatever news.

* All of these will be a moot point if it’s negative because then I’m not even going to tell J that I tested.

So there you have it. There may be a day or two of silence from me either way but I’ll come back with the result in a couple of days.