Whoa, Baby!

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Well, life has been trucking along lately, and I don’t know where the time has gone. We hit 20 weeks yesterday, officially half way there! I have a feeling the second half is going to be tougher as I get larger and larger.

We had our anatomy scan a week ago today, and everything looked great. It was so crazy to be able to see all of her organs, spine, 10 fingers and 10 toes. She is measuring ahead by about a week so the ultrasound tech asked which one of us was a 10 lb baby when we were born (neither actually…). All I could think was “Oh please don’t let me have a huge baby”. I am a petite person and I can’t see getting a big baby out of me any way but a c-section (which I really hope to avoid). We got to see her moving all around and now that I can feel her it was quite cool to simultaneously see and feel the movement. The ultrasound tech did confirm that she is in fact a girl. I had this irrational notion that the blood work was wrong and that it was a boy instead (not that it would be a problem, just something different to wrap my head around).

Since she is measuring ahead, I am not sure if I should prepare for her coming a bit early and take my leave from work sooner than planned. I was thinking of finishing mid August, to give myself 2 weeks before her due date, but I fear if she comes early I won’t have any time off before she gets here. So then I think maybe I should consider leaving the after the first week of August just in case. I don’t want to have too much time on my hands, but I would like some. And I have to give my workplace notice at least 6 weeks before I intend to leave which could be as soon as late June! That feels really soon! I know babies come on their own time, and all of my fretting and planning may be for naught if she’s really early, or really late. But it doesn’t stop me…

Though we haven’t reached viability yet, it feels like we’ve turned a corner and things are starting to get a bit more real. J and I are taking a road trip to visit BIL and SIL and pillage all of their baby stuff this weekend. So I guess we will soon be filling Poppet’s room with clothes, and toys and whatever other baby items we decide to take borrow.

My instinct to “get stuff done” is starting to kick in, as I went on a frenzy organizing and tidying things yesterday and I am starting to make a registry (online, I can’t bring myself to go in-store with the gun). More as a shopping list for myself than anything, no one has asked what we need (yet) and I don’t have any showers planned (yet).

I’ve been reading Lucie’s List to try to figure out what I need, and what style/brand/type/ect. I might want and it has been intensely overwhelming so I don’t really know that I’ve made any decisions, I mostly just feel like I’m going in circles. I know all of my mommy friends have opinions on what’s best but most of them live in large houses in suburbia, whereas I live in a 2 bedroom apartment condo in the middle of the city so their needs and my needs may differ (plus money is a factor for me…not as much for some of them).

I bought a new pair of maternity leggings the other day, and the store that I bought them from gave me a bunch of baby coupons, and an evenflo bottle (some sort of promotion). That was weird, having this one single bottle so I just chucked it in the spare room with all of the other random miscellany.

We’re trying to train our smaller dog to sleep in his new bed on the floor, rather than in our bed. For one, he is making me uncomfortable when I sleep because he has to snuggle right up against me which makes me warm and being that I move around a lot at night he is taking up too much space (even though he’s only 10 lbs). Plus once the baby comes and I am up and down all night, I need him to just stay put and not in our bed. It’s a work in progress, he always starts out on the floor but how do I stop him getting in the bed in the middle of the night when I’m asleep? Sometime I kick him out and make him go back to his bed, but often times I can’t be bothered.

I feel baby kicks quite frequently now but it is still hard to get used to, it is such a weird feeling and quite startling sometimes! But then when she doesn’t kick I worry, so no winning there. They’ll only get stronger over time and I’ll wish for these little tiny kicks. My belly is getting bigger, I don’t feel like it is all that big for being 50% of the way but I suppose much of the growth will be in the months to come. I’ve been steadily gaining about a pound a week which I am happy with. Trying to eat healthy (key word: try) and it’s going well most of the time, but I am just always hungry so sometimes my urges get the better of me.

The people around me; coworkers, clients and the general public, are really starting to grate on my nerves (which are in short supply lately) so I find myself wanting to hermit myself at home but, unfortunately I have to work and you know, conduct my life. So I try to keep my mouth shut and walk away (when I can) from situations that begin to rattle me.

I’ve had a few clients ask me about my future holiday plans and usually this is when I end up divulging that I don’t have any because we’re having a baby. Depending on the person, sometimes I’ll just tell them we’re going on a quick weekend getaway in May and leave it at that. Yesterday I had a couple at my desk and it came about that I was pregnant. The wife showed surprise, and her husband said “well didn’t you see her little baby belly?!”. I laughed and told him most people won’t say anything just in case I have a pudgy belly. It’s the first time I’ve had a stranger acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant and it was a bit weird.

So overall, things are going well, besides the fact that I am a bit cranky. I am thankful for a good anatomy scan and the so-far uneventful progress of this pregnancy. Though it’s starting to feel more real that I have a baby inside me, I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to be the mother of a little girl. It’s just something I could never imagine and I still can’t fathom it. Then I think, “holy shit, I have to take care of this little person for the rest of my life” (because let’s be real, it’s not just 18 years). I mean, I knew this is what I was signing up for when we got into this whole baby making business but it is still scary, and unbelievable. I still see myself through different eyes and feel like a fraudulent adult. They’re just going to let me take a (my) baby home from the hospital, no question?

The parenting part freaks me out, but we’ll figure it out. Most other people do, so I figure we’re no different. I know it will be hard, and I am trying to mentally prepare myself (though I know that’s not truly possible).

Right now here’s my fear list;

1) Not making it to viability, or having her come extremely early, because even if we make it past the magical 25 weeks doesn’t mean everything will be just fine.

2) Her being bigger than my pelvis, and then being in labor for days on end, pushing, trying to get her out, forceps/vacuum and then having to have a c-section anyways. (Happened to my sister in law with her first).

3) My after baby self (body and mind). I have serious fears of postpartum depression, and how I am going to handle everything once she’s here. I feel like infertility has shown me some of the strength I didn’t know I had, but I am still scared (though I feel like it would be weird if I wasn’t). I’m also concerned about having to recover from a c-section, and even if not, I’m sure things are going to be a bit of a mess for a while after.

4) Being a parent! (‘Nuff said).

So if you’ve made it through my random ramblings, kudos! I hope to continue with an uneventful, yet healthy pregnancy for the next 20 or so weeks.

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#Microblog Mondays: Flutters

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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For the past few weeks my pregnancy apps have been telling me I can expect to feel flutters of movement soon, so when I think of it I have been paying keen attention to see if I felt anything. For the first couple weeks I was disappointed that I felt nothing. Then one day I had what could have been general stomach rumblings, gas movement, ect. Except it wasn’t, it just felt different but very subtle and infrequent. That was about a week and a half ago. The feeling is still quite subtle but I can count on it more after dinner when I am quietly sitting on the couch, or at bedtime. It’s almost like someone is softly drumming their fingers inside my uterus. It’s very weird, but very cool.

Last night she gave a few little kick kicks, and then one mighty WOMP! It was still very soft, but definitively different. J asked me what I was doing because I was laying really still and staring off into space. I told him I was bonding with Poppet* and he gave me a bit of a frowny face because it’s much too soft for him to feel anything on the outside yet and poutily exclaimed that I get 9 months of bonding. It’s a new and exciting time to actually be able to feel her, and I can’t wait until her kicks get stronger and more frequent (I’m sure I’ll regret that wish when she’s digging into my ribs or kicking me in the bladder). I really can’t wait until J can feel her, he is so enthralled with her, and my belly and I know he feels a bit left out now that I am feeling her, and he’s not. Another tangible step in the direction of pregnancy progression!

*I will continue to call her Poppet in my blog, we use her real name in the privacy of our home but until she’s here, it will be under wraps.