#Microblog Mondays: The Empty Box

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Every time I buy another box of tampons, it pisses me off. It’s another reminder of a failure. And I think (with hopefulness) “Dammit, now if I get pregnant I’m going to have a half used box of tampons hanging out in my cupboard for another 9 months!”. If I have to buy one more box, I am going to lose my mind.

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I’ve Got 99 Problems, and My Womb Is One.

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So far this week has been a lot of ups and downs, I am feeling rather emotionally unstable. My patience has been pushed to its limit with infertility lately, and it’s making me pretty cranky in other aspects of life. Let me rewind the week for you.

Sunday we had dinner at my in-law’s house, my brother and sister-in-law came to town, with my two nieces as well. It was nice to see everyone, but again any time spent with my nieces is bitter-sweet. They are a timeline of my failure, and a reminder of what I don’t have and it breaks my heart that I view them this way. Monday, we had Thanksgiving dinner with my family, and it was a fun, full house. My cousin and his wife were there with their twin boys, and of course they were a big focus. When grace was said before dinner we were thankful for the miracle and gift of those two boys, and hope for more (directed more so at my cousin than anyone else, as it was her Uncle on the other side of the family that said it). I hate the feelings towards my family that infertility has created. It is so unfair that I cannot enjoy them purely, without pain.

Tuesday morning I had my baseline monitoring appointment for my frozen embryo transfer (FET). Normally they don’t do any monitoring until you’ve been on estrogen for about 2 weeks, just before they are about to switch you over to progesterone to prep for the transfer. But because my protocol was slightly modified due to the fact that I would have been away for the transfer they wanted me to come in just to make sure everything was looking good. Frankly I don’t know why they wouldn’t do this for everyone; if there is a problem, do they really want to get all the way to 5 days before transfer before finding out?

So, it had been about 2 and 1/2 months since I’d been to the clinic and I’ll admit the break was nice. Not that I wasn’t still under the burden of IF, but the lack of constant appointments serving as a reminder was nice. It’s like I had been on a long hike with a very heavy backpack. After the egg retrieval it was as though I put the backpack down. I still had a long way to go, but some of the weight had been lifted. Yesterday, I turned a corner and there was the backpack, waiting for me all along. I have a Pavlovian response to my clinic. On the day of any appointment, no matter what it’s for, I wake up feeling nauseated. My gut is upset, and I generally experience some pretty intense GI distress. Tuesday was no different, proving time has not yet healed that wound.

My clinic changed their ultrasound protocol a bit, so now they are accepting the first patient at 7:15am instead of 7:45am which is good because it gives a little more time between my ultrasound and getting to work, so long as I am one of the first people in. Plus, it seems not as many people come quite that early so the waiting room was much less busy than usual. So by the time they started calling people back there were only 3 of us in the waiting area and they took us all back at once, assigned to cubicles to change, and then put in the ultrasound rooms to await our wanding.

The doctor that is now doing the morning ultrasounds has just recently retired from full-time RE duties. I had only ever met him once before, for my very first IUI in November of last year (holy shit that was nearly a year ago now). I didn’t particularly like him, but he was friendly enough. He checked my uterus, measured the lining and then checked my ovaries. I didn’t catch the lining measurement but when he checked the right ovary there was a little white bubble. I’m on down reg right now, so there should have been nothing over there. He mentions that there appears to be either a follicle or a cyst on my right ovary and asked me if I know “what the plan is”, as in why was i there? Umm, you’re the doctor, you tell me. I told him that the nurse said since my protocol was modified and I am on suprefact longer than normal they wanted to do a baseline check to make sure I didn’t have any cysts (which I do, awesome) and that everything looked ok. He tells me I can get dressed and he will go speak to a nurse.

I headed back across the hall back to my little cubicle to put my pants back on and wait for further instruction. The nurse called my name, and took me around the corner to a consult room. I find this strange as they generally give verbal instructions, or a printed sheet at the nurses station and are rushing off to the next patient. As I was sitting in the consult room my stomach was starting to feel nervous and nauseous again. I sat there for a few minutes and then I could hear the nurses around the corner. I couldn’t catch all of what they were saying, but the one nurse was telling the other to come talk to me, trying to figure out why my protocol was different, and something about me starting prometrium. It was a very strange situation, being down the hall while they talked about me.

I sat a few minutes more after the nurses discussion about me, before someone came in to talk to me. It was a nurse I hadn’t dealt with yet. She sits down with my chart, and uterine ultrasound photos. She asked me if the doctor mentioned that my lining was still quite thick, and I told her no. I guess that would explain their discussion of me possibly needing to start prometrium. She explained that it was not where they needed it to be, and wondered if I had a normal period. I told her yes, it wasn’t light, or really any different from normal except that it was late. She asked if I was still flowing, which I sort of was but barely, mostly just spotting tapering off to nothing.

Apparently the doctor had also noticed some fluid in my uterus as well, which could have still been residual blood but was also not ideal conditions for my FET. Not to mention the fact that I had a cyst on my ovary. The nurse said it was a cyst and not a follicle because I am on down reg meds and should not be producing follicles, but I suppose this was just her assumption, not a known fact. She did say it was small (12mm, I caught that number) and not a major cause for concern. Apparently my estrogen level was slightly elevated as well, which could be due to the cyst (or follicle?).

So nothing was very clear at this point, she asked about my cycle delay, and confirmed when my CD1 was. I explained to her that I was going to be out-of-town at the end of the month, and that I was told to start my suprefact later to delay my transfer. She misunderstood, and thought I was out-of-town when I was supposed to start my meds, and had to delay them because I was out of town. She explained to me I should always just fill all of my meds prescriptions so I have them ready. I told her I was following instructions from the nurse and Dr. M so that I could transfer later. She wasn’t following and at this point it didn’t matter because my uterus wasn’t where it needed to be anyways, so moving on I just left it alone. She told me I should continue with suprefact and delay starting my estrogen for now. I am to redo my bloodwork on Sunday, and I have another monitoring appointment on Monday.

I was sort of in a state of disbelief with everything that she was telling me and I kept asking her questions about what was going to happen, and she didn’t really seem to have many answers for me. I was trying to determine if this cycle was a bust entirely, or still salvageable. She didn’t mention anything about prometrium, and I asked her since I wasn’t really having much of a flow anymore if my lining was going to get any thinner. She just replied with, “we’ll see next week”. She asked if I was planning on going out-of-town in November, as if that was the case we may as well just scrap the cycle now. I told her no, it was just this one trip that was causing all of the issues. Apparently Dr. M is away at the moment, and he is going away again in November but if my lining cooperates then he should be here to do my transfer. He’s not the only one who does them but I would definitely prefer it be him. I think this was part of the reason for the nurses lack of information or direction for me (and the reason she didn’t want to have to deal with me) because Dr. M was not there to provide guidance, as he is the main IVF doctor.

Normally when I leave after having an ultrasound I don’t have to walk past the hall of babies, but because I went to the consult room after the ultrasound I had to route back out into the waiting room past that dreaded wall. I really felt like punching it, or ripping a handful of photos down as I hit yet another roadblock in this journey. I called J on my way to work to tell him the unexpected, and disappointing news and I could tell he was caught off guard. Instead of feeling sad, I am mostly just frustrated, and tired.

I had a fairly distracting day at work, and left early as Tuesday was the day we got the keys to our new condo. It was an exciting time, after all the scrambling for paperwork, with lawyers, and the bank we finally got access to our latest huge decision. It has been so hard for me to wrap my brain around it, because all along it just felt like this pipe dream, like it wasn’t actually going to happen and someone was going to pull the rug out. But here they were, keys in hand we let ourselves into our new place. It’s not entirely foreign to us, as it is in the same building we already live in. Our new unit is a mirror of our current place, but it also has a loft that adds extra square footage and is on the top floor of our building so it has gorgeous 16 ft ceilings. We wandered around freely, and introduced our dogs to our new home. We still have a long way to go, we’ve already ripped up the carpets, we have painters coming in for a quote tomorrow and hope to have them start on Monday. New flooring coming in next week, and this weekend we have to go pick light fixtures. There is a ton of cosmetic stuff to do, but we did it to our current place and we are excited for the challenge, and to see the transformation in the end. And on the plus side we think we found some tenants to rent our old place, though they can’t move in until Dec. 1 so we have to carry two mortgages for a month, which is, to quote Jimmy Fallon, “Ew”.

As we were packing up our current place, standing in our spare bedroom, J mentioned that it was sort of sad that we never did get to change that room into a nursery. After more than two years, instead of finally having a baby, we are moving and that room with forever be just a spare room. Now we have a room upstairs and the hopes have been pinned on it instead.

Yesterday when I got into work I was greeted with an “oh-shit” email, wherein I had buggered up a file, and the client hadn’t notice it before confirming it, so now we were both to blame. Not to mention my client was my brother-in-law, putting us both in an awkward position because either way it was going to cost one, or both of us some money. After having a freak out about that, my 11am alarm went off for my next suprefact dose. It was at that time, I pulled out my purse only to find that I forgot to put my suprefact in it. My pharmacy is luckily about 15 minutes from my work, so I excused myself for an early lunch to dash out to the pharmacy. I had to pay for part of it as one of my coverage only allows me to fill the prescription every 5 days, and seeing as I was just in a few days earlier picking up my estrogen and antibiotics as well as more suprefact, no full coverage for me. Luckily, it was only $12, so I would gladly pay that instead of missing two doses. So having spent my 30 minute lunch break at the pharmacy I only had time to grab a smoothie for lunch and head back. I nearly broke into tears at my desk because it was all just too much.

I composed myself to get through the rest of the day. I told myself this morning, today was a new day. But it was a new day with the same problems as yesterday. My cycle is still delayed, I’m still not pregnant, and I can’t believe it’s taking so fucking long. I was snappy and impatient at work today, which compounded with how busy I was today, was not a great combination. Luckily, this evening I had a great night out with my girlfriends, and we toasted the bride-to-be, whose wedding I will be attending in Las Vegas next weekend. Cannot wait for that.

For now I am holding out for Monday, hoping my lining is magically thinner, my cyst is gone (or at least not growing) and that we can get this show on the road. I cannot imagine the devastation that will ensue if this cycle is, either cancelled or fails. And at this point, that is seeming like the most likely outcome. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t know how much more strength I have left. I feel so close, yet so far.

#Microblog Mondays: Giving Thanks

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Today is Canadian Thanksgiving, also known just as “Thanksgiving”… I am very thankful for so much that I have in my life today. Things could definitely be worse and there are those that would envy what I have. But rather than list the things I am thankful for in a somewhat humble brag-ish way I’ll say I’m aware of what I have and feel gratitude for it.

On the flip side of that coin, things could be better. I have some major stressors in my life at the moment, infertility being the biggest/worst. I’m not going to say that just because I have gratitude for the good in my life that I don’t feel sad for what I’m missing. I know things could be worse, but sometimes they feel shitty enough as is without trying to slough off the grief because I am fortunate in other parts of my life. There are many many lucky people who will never have to experience the pain of infertility and I wish I could have been one of them.

All in all it’s about balance. I try not to take for granted the good I have in my life, but I allow myself to acknowledge the shitty aspects of my life as well. Trying not to let either side win out, getting buoyed too high, or dragged too low. I give thanks for the clarity and insight to see my life for what it is, imperfect.

A Lesson in Organization and Infertility

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I’ve realised throughout this process that I need to be excessively organized, always looking two steps ahead, anticipating problems and not trusting anyone to get something done for me, or getting it done right. Case and point, the past few days trying to coordinating the next steps in my FET protocol, and the days to come.

I started my period Wednesday, called the clinic to advise them of such (around 11am) and asked that they call me to review my next steps as my cycle is slightly modified due to me going out of town. I received a call back on my cell phone (when I specifically left them my work number) at 3:30pm telling me to please call them back tomorrow, on the reception line and ask to speak to a nurse. I couldn’t call them back that same day because the phone lines close at 3:30pm. There is an IVF message box that I normally call… because I am an IVF cycler. But anyways she told me to call reception instead so that was the game plan.

Then yesterday morning just before 8am the clinic calls me (they get points for not making me call them). The phone lines don’t open until 9am so I couldn’t have called them this early anyways. The nurse tells me to get my schedule (they had sent me a fill in the blanks sort of sheet with treatment start day, CD8 in my case) and goes over what I’m to be doing on each day. They need me to come in for a baseline ultrasound on CD7 (Tuesday) before I start my meds. They also need bloodwork done to go with the ultrasound but for some reason this bloodwork will not be done in the clinic as per the norm. Not sure why, I did verify with her that they will not complete my bloodwork, and she said not this time.

The nurse explained I’ll start estrace and an antibiotic on CD8 (Wednesday) and continue with my suprefact and ASA. I will admit, they are very efficient in sending everything over to the pharmacy so it is always there when I go in. I’ll also need more suprefact because I am running through that stuff like nobody’s business. With 10 (two in each nostril, five times a day) sprays a day from a rather small bottle it’s no wonder. The nurse also tells me that there is an RX for antibiotics for J as well. “For my husband?” I asked her quizzically. He’s done his part, what does he need antibiotics for? She delicately explains to me that they assume we are having “intercourse” (her word, not mine) and it is just a prophylaxis so he doesn’t pass anything to me. Ah. Ok, that makes sense, moving right along. She tells me that generally I will have another ultrasound 14 days after starting estrace which would put us at Oct. 29, but she said that may change after they’ve done all of my baseline stuff on Tuesday. She misspoke several times during the conversation so I would repeat things back to her to clarify because I knew what she was telling me was wrong (based on what my timetable said and the notes I have from the last nurse I spoke to). I have worked with this particular nurse before and I have to say she is not my favorite, nor does she inspire confidence. I’ve learned to write everything down when I am speaking to any given nurse so I can verify it against my next set of instructions.

She initially told me I could get my bloodwork requisition when I came in for the ultrasound but then called me back shortly after we spoke to advise me I’d need to do the bloodwork the day before the ultrasound as they need the results the day I am coming in to the clinic. Ok, fine. She tells me she can send it to a lab convenient for me, so I tell her the approximate location of the one I’d like (I couldn’t remember the exact name of it, but it is a part of a “chain”), lab A and she tells me no problem, she’ll fax it over to them.

It’s later on in the day that I realised the bloodwork has to be done on Monday, which is the Thanksgiving holiday in Canada, so there are only a couple of labs open for limited hours that day. I quickly hopped online and took one of two remaining appointments at a lab that is open for the holiday, lab B. I called the fertility clinic back and asked if they could send the requisition to lab B instead of lab A that I initially asked for. The receptionist asks if I could just go and pick it up from lab A as they were very busy at the moment and didn’t want it to get missed. She apologized and said she didn’t mean to be rude but it wasn’t something that was going to be a priority at the moment… Fair enough, if they’re not going to get it done I may as well do it myself. So I hang up the phone with the clinic and think to myself, the labs can probably just transfer the requisition saving me a trip in to them.

So I call lab A telling them my requisition has been faxed over from my Drs office, could they please send it to lab B instead, but she can’t find my requisition. I then realise my clinic probably sent it to lab C which has a similar name to where lab B is actually located. You still following me? I then call lab C to ask if they have my requisition but I get a recording saying they are closed and to call back during business hours which they then list. I am currently calling them during their business hours. Humph.

I then call the main switchboard for city wide lab scheduling. The woman who answers asks me for my phone number, proceeds to pull up my file, starts to ask me when I’d like to book an appt for when she sees I already have one. I tell her I am trying to get a requisition transferred but when I call lab C I get a recorded message, and wonder if they haven’t forgotten to turn off their messaging system. She puts me on hold to try and get someone at that lab. She eventually succeeds and patches me through. I find that my clinic did in fact mistakenly send my requisition to lab C. I ask them to please transfer it to lab B as I need the bloodwork done on the holiday Monday. No problem.

Not trusting anyone to complete a simple task, I call lab B about an hour later to confirm that lab C did in fact forward my requisition. They tell me they do have it. If it goes missing between now and Monday, so help me I may lose my marbles.

So then I needed to coordinate getting to my pharmacy, which has rather limited hours of operation, to pick up all the meds for the next week or so. They’re closed weekends and holidays (so Saturday through Monday this week) and their business hours coincide pretty closely with my own office hours. I can’t go Tuesday as I have to go to the clinic for my ultrasound and then directly to work as I am on the opening shift and they are closed by the time I am off work. I need everything for Wednesday because I start my estrace at 8am that morning, plus I may not have made it through the weekend without anymore suprefact. My only window was today. I had to get up at an ungodly hour to go to our lawyers office on the way south side of the city and officially sign off on our new home (eeeek!). Luckily I was on late shift today so I didn’t need to be at work until 10am and it gave me enough time to drive all the way from the south side where the lawyer is, to the north side where the pharmacy is located (because my clinic deals with one pharmacy that specializes in IF meds). Luckily the pharmacy is very close to my work and I made it in on time.

Now that I have antibiotics and estrogen to add to the mix as of Wednesday I’m going to need some new reminders in my phone. Currently I have alarms at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm and 11pm for my suprefact. When I wake up in the morning I have to take my synthroid (thyroid medication) on an empty stomach. I also cannot take any vitamins or minerals within four hours of synthroid which means I have to wait until around 11am to take my omega 3, vitamin B6, and the first half of my two part prenatal vitamin. When I start estrogen there will be one pill at 8am and one at 8pm for the first four days, it then increases to two pills twice a day, and then four days later to three pills twice a day. I have to fit the antibiotics in once a day (only for five days though) and lastly the second part of my prenatal, plus my ASA and vitamin B complex just before bed. If you’re keeping count by the time I am up to three estrace pills twice a day, that will be a total of 13 pills and 5 nasal sprays a day. It’ll be a wonder if I find time to work with all of this pill poppin’.

Now all I have to do is count on my clinic to get my uterus primed so I can switch from estrogen to progesterone at the end of the month and snuggle my embryo in for 9 months!

Ask and You Shall Receive

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This past week I’ve been trucking along with my suprefact, and waiting for my next CD1. Based on my previous “average cycles” (though I haven’t had a normal cycle since July, before my retrieval) I am a 28 day girl. So that would have put my expected period on Friday, or maybe Saturday of last week. Which brings me to yesterday, and still nothing. I was having some intermittent cramping since last week which led me to belief the wicked witch of the south was on her way any day. No such luck. So now I’m thinking I’ll be one of the people who ends up not having a period after 14 days of suprefact, and I’ll have to call my clinic, and they’ll put me on provera to induce a period and it’ll be a big drama.

I was complaining to J last night about how I just want to get this show on the road. I was rather annoyed yesterday, so I decided to rebel against the healthy, no caffeine and no fast food lifestyle I’ve imposed on myself by having McDonalds for lunch (with a Coke) and then I had a chai tea latte last night. I know, I know, rebel.

Besides the fact that I was stressed about the lack of period, our new home situation is creating added anxiety. It’s exciting and awesome that it’s actually coming to fruition, but it is a shit ton of money, and now we have two mortgages to pay. We sign the official paperwork Friday morning, and I have a very large bank draft for the lawyer. We had a renter lined up for our current place, but she bailed on us yesterday, so we have posted an ad on a few different sites and are crossing our fingers and toes to find someone soon. It is an extremely stressful position to be in and I am worried. The rental market should work to our advantage as vacancy is very slim, and we live in a desirable neighbourhood but I’m freaking out a little bit.

My period started today and brought some hellish cramps with it to make up for its absence. I called the clinic to advise them of CD1 and of course missed them when they called back, so I have to try and catch someone tomorrow to go over my next steps in protocol. From what they told me last time I spoke to them (and based on the schedule they sent me) I’ll have an ultrasound sometime next week (most likely CD7) to check for cysts, then start estrace on CD8. I’ll continue on with suprefact, and once I add the estrace I will go back in 12 – 14 days afterwards to have a lining check. If I am around 8mm in thickness they will count it as day 0. From there I start progesterone, and 5 days later my uterus will be in line with my embryos, and then it’s transfer time. So we are more than likely looking at a transfer date of Nov. 3. If I can only have one thing, please let it be this baby.

Tonight I had a work event to attend, that was held at a liquor store with a tasting room. So it was about 20 minutes of presentations and then 2 hours of wine tasting paired with chocolate and cheese. Perfect timing for a girl on her period. I’ve not been drinking lately (I had one drink at my friend’s bachelorette party this weekend) but I figured I would indulge in a little wine tasting, and some soft cheeses in hopes that these items will soon be off the menu for me. Triple cream brie and champagne for dinner? Yes, please.

It’s like we’ve gone from a standstill to full tilt nearly overnight. Though now it seems we’ve bitten off more than we can chew. I wanted to live life outside of infertility, and I wanted my period to start so we could just get things moving. Well, I am getting a handful in life now. All I’m askin’ for is a little bit of balance.

Three Infertiles Walk into a Room…

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Today was an interesting day. It was my cousin-in-law’s baby shower (is a cousin-in-law a thing?). She had twin boys in June, about 8 weeks early, so they were unexpectedly early, and had to spend some time in the NICU. Now that they have been home for a while, and are now healthy and settled my other cousin (sister-in-law to the one who had the twins) decided to host her a baby shower.

The shower was held in the evening, which I was sort of happy about since it is a weeknight, I could try to excuse myself early if needed. I tried to think of an excuse not to go at all, but I couldn’t come up with anything good enough. My mom and grandma were going too, so it would have been a bit harder to beg off without them wondering about me. Plus I like my cousins, and I wanted to be there, even if it was hard for me.

I had thought about it now and again leading up to today, hoping it wasn’t going to be terrible. I wasn’t sure who all was going to be there, and I was certain there was going to be talk of who was going to be next to have a baby, and other such ignorant comments. Surely my mom would coo over the babies and wish that she had some grand kids of her own, whether she verbalized it or not.

I had an appointment with some clients just before the end of the day and they ended up staying a bit past close, Murphy’s law when I am trying to get out on time. So then I was stressed and rushed by the time I left work, not the state I wanted to be in for the evening. I went to pick up my mom and then grandma on the way to my cousins place. Luckily my mom didn’t say anything to me about babies on the way, and I breathed a sigh of relief for surviving the car ride.

When we arrived at my cousin’s house I was relieved to find that there were no silly party games planned, just a few little things like guess how many jelly beans in the baby bottle, write on a diaper, leave your wishes for the babies. Mostly it was just visiting, and gift opening. There weren’t too many of us there so luckily the gift opening was pretty short-lived. There was some cute stuff but mostly it was toys and activity type things, not so much for clothes. Plus she had two little boys, and as much cute boy stuff there is out there, I want a little girl so bad, and I swoon for all the adorable girls stuff.

So all in all, it started out not being so heartbreaking. Her little guys are cute, and I can appreciate that, I’m not a cold-hearted monster. I didn’t hold either of them, for fear of the “looks good on you” comments, and also because I am still getting over my cold and I didn’t want to cough all over them. My cousin who was hosting the shower has just been married for one year (it was their anniversary yesterday) and my mother of all people made a comment to her about having a baby. I gasped, “Mother!” at her when she said it. She knows better than to do it to me, why does she think it appropriate to do to other people? A few of the older ladies with daughters my age lamented about the fact that they didn’t have any grandkids yet.

There was a mother-daughter duo there who are relatives on my aunt’s side of the family and not technically related to me, but I have known them all my life. After the discussion of the moms wanting to be grandmas my aunt’s sister mentioned that she might get to be a grandma soon. At this point she turned to her daughter, A, who stated that her and her husband had been trying for a couple of years to have a baby but have just recently started down the path for adoption. Everyone was really supportive, offering her congrats, asking well thought questions. It was really nice to see.

I went to school with A for a time, she is laced throughout my childhood and such a sweet person. I don’t see her nearly as often anymore and don’t keep up on her life but as soon as I heard the words come out of her mouth I felt I had found a new friend in infertility. She has been married for 7 years, a pastor’s wife, and somewhere deep down I wondered whether they weren’t having problems.

So in a room with only 5 women of childbearing age (the rest grandmas, great grandmas and grandmas in waiting), let me break it down for you. There was myself (infertile), A (infertile), and another relative who ended up having her daughter via surrogate after she had three 2nd trimester miscarriages due to an incompetent cervix (different kind of infertile, but still, infertile). One cousin, who, so far as I know has not tried to conceive yet, and the other who is obviously super fertile and got twins naturally. Pretty interesting odds. I had the thought that if anyone pushed me on the baby issue I might spill the beans, but after A made her adoption announcement I didn’t want to steal any thunder. Plus I’m still not entirely comfortable speaking up. Although everyone in the room was tactful and respectful of her adoption decision I know it’s not always going to be like that.

On the car ride home I could practically hear my mothers thoughts churning, I’m sure she wanted to discuss A’s adoption choice, my own family building progress and when I was finally going to give her a grand baby. I am so glad my grandma was there to, unbeknownst to her, keep my mom at bay. I dropped them both off, and headed home myself. My head was buzzing the whole ride home. My heart finally felt the weight of the baby shower, and the sadness I was trying to stave off while plastering a smile on my face all evening. I felt sad for both myself, and A. I felt buoyed to find someone else in my camp. Not happy for either of us to be in this position but hopeful to gain a new comrade in the fight.

Once I got home I sent her a Facebook message telling her I understand the struggle and that I am happy for her taking the steps to adoption. I wanted to reach out to her, and let her know there is someone else who understands. Whether she wants to discuss her journey with me or not, I felt comfortable putting part of mine out there to her. It’s a bit of a risk me opening up to her, because it may get back to some of my family. I don’t particularly care and I’m sure she understands the private nature of it and say nothing at all. But, my time to tell my family may be coming soon.

On a treatment note, the Suprefact is going steady. I missed a dose by an hour and a half this weekend, but just took it as soon as I remembered and carried on. I get a nose bleed every day, whether it is due to my lingering cold, the fall dryness in the air, the Suprefact or a combination of all three, it is annoying. My cough from my cold will not go away, and I have a feeling the Suprefact is aggravating it. I feel like there may be other symptoms it’s contributing too, but it’s hard to tell, what’s from the cold, or tiredness, or stress. It’s sort of like squirting perfume up your nose. I dislike it, and the frequency of it, but so far tolerable. Should be hitting CD1 of my next cycle by the end of the week, or the weekend. For now, sniff, sniff…pass.

Return from Hiatus: It’s Go Time

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Yet again I took a brief, unintentional hiatus from blogging. Mainly because I’ve been too damn busy, not because I’ve had nothing to say. I just returned this past Sunday from my Alaskan cruise that I went on FOR WORK. Yeah, I have to admit, sometimes I have a pretty sweet gig. It wasn’t all fun and games, I did have to attend a few seminars, and J doesn’t get to come with me on these trips so I had to room with someone I had never met before. We got on well enough, but at times I went off on my own because I needed a break. It was a bit lonely, but overall, a pretty good trip. Alaska was very scenic, but a bit chilly for my liking. Especially seeing as the weather back home was fantastic while I was gone. I managed to bring a cold back with me, so I’ve been sick since I got home and it makes me miserable.

Just before I left J and I submitted a formal offer on the condo unit we want to buy. As of today, the offer is accepted, our mortgage is pre approved and the paperwork is pending. So for all intents and purposes, we expect to be taking possession in mid-October. We then have two weeks to renovate the new place and move upstairs so we can get a renter into our current unit… I’m thinking the renos are not going to be finished in time, so we may have to live in it while we redo the floors. I am looking forward to a blank canvas, we are looking at paint colours, flooring samples, light fixtures and more. It is fun, and exciting but the situation itself is a bit stressful as we are trying to make it happen very quickly, and have a million other things going on at the same time.

Even though I just got back, we leave for Vegas in a month. I’m excited for a getaway with J, and a bunch of our friends will be there as well since we are going for a wedding. Although, it will cut into our precious reno time, being away right before we have to be moved out of our place. Tomorrow is J’s 34th birthday, we have no big plans but I am excited to give him his birthday present; tickets to Jersey Boys while we’re in Vegas…and yes, it is for him not me. Jersey Boys would not have been my first choice. I also got him a new special edition Seahawks cap. Go Seahawks!

The woman who runs our condo building is finally back next week. There have never been so many issues as there have been this month while she’s been away. Can’t wait to turn everything back over to her.

Probably the most important thing that is coming up for us is our frozen embryo transfer. I got my schedule in the mail a couple of weeks ago, I picked up my Suprefact on Monday, and I start using it tomorrow (CD21). It is a nasal spray down reg. medication that I have to use 5 times a day (7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm, 11pm), for close to a month. Not looking forward to that. For now that is all I am on, but once I start my next period I am to call the clinic CD1, and they want me in for a baseline ultrasound around CD7. On CD8 I will start Estrace, the normal start day is CD3 but they are pushing it back so I can make sure the transfer happens after we get back from Vegas. I will have another monitoring appointment just before we leave for Vegas to check my lining, and most likely I’ll have to start Progesterone (suppositories) while we are in Vegas. Yet again infertility will put a damper on my ability to have fun hotel sex.

At the moment my focus is being pulled in so many directions that I have not spent a lot of time fretting over our FET (yet). I am hoping that the distraction of moving, renovating, ect. will continue to distract me throughout the whole FET process and help during the dreaded wait for beta. Although who am I kidding, I’m going to POAS well before the beta. So here we go, the Summer of IVF has continued into the Autumn of FET.