Lately I haven’t been blogging much, save for my (not-so-micro) #Microblog Mondays. I don’t always know what to say or how to say it. I have complicated feelings about pregnancy, and specifically me being pregnant. I will say I am part thrilled and part terrified (still). Obviously this was the goal, and I am so excited to meet our daughter but I am scared out of my mind about being a parent, and being responsible for a life. Pregnancy is also not all sunshine and lollipops, not that I thought it would be, but when you are aggressively drugging your body to cooperate into getting pregnant these are the things you push to the back of your mind.
As of now I am 18 weeks along (nearly halfway!) and the second trimester has definitely been nicer than the first. I almost never have any nausea anymore (save for when I am brushing my teeth, my gag reflex is really strong right now and I generally only have vomiting episodes due to tooth brushing). I am hungry all. the. time. I am a pretty petite person, and I’ve always had a small appetite so when I can pack in more food than my hubby I find it rather amusing. I still haven’t gained a ton of weight, about a pound a week which I’ve read is average. I didn’t really gain any in the first tri, and may have actually lost a couple, as I was sick in the mornings and the rest of the time I still didn’t have much of an appetite. The morning sickness started subsiding around week 13 or 14, it’s hard to remember now, it was a gradual shift and the nausea was really at its peak between weeks 8 – 12.
We’ve used our at home doppler a couple of times, and it is my favorite thing, listening to the racing heartbeat inside my belly. Last time we recorded it, and text it to the grandmas to be, which I thought was pretty cute. So now I have it on my phone, and sometimes listen to it just because. We have our anatomy scan on Apr. 9 and I can’t wait to see her again. It was so amazing seeing her at 12 weeks when she looked like an actual baby, and was flailing and wiggling all around. I am excited to see how she’s grown, and hope that everything measures normally.
So far I still have a relatively small bump, it’s definitely there but if you didn’t know I was pregnant I don’t think you would immediately make that assumption upon my appearance. If I hadn’t told any of my coworkers, I could have hidden it longer, in looser tops and sweaters but it is just easier not having to hide it. I still feel awkward telling my clients (and I only say something if the conversation steers that way), but eventually I won’t have to say anything, and let my belly do the talking. Our neighbor in our condo building hasn’t seemed to notice, and I see her pretty frequently so I guess I am still pretty small even though some days I already feel like I am getting huge (and I have so far to go!). My boobs are definitely bigger, not a ton bigger, but I am very small chested, and I almost have a bit of cleavage now which is pretty awesome for me!
I still have weird bump envy/inadequate bump feelings. Because I am still not showing too much, I don’t always “feel” pregnant without the large and in charge physical appearance. It mostly just makes me uncomfortable if I am in a baby/pregnancy-centric situations; baby stores, maternity stores, prenatal yoga, expectant mother parking spots (which I still won’t use). I also don’t “feel” pregnant because I am not sick anymore, and I don’t have as many weird symptoms. The all day hunger, frequent headaches, and expanding waistline help me remember but most days I feel pretty normal. So I am sort of just coasting right now.
Except when I try to sleep, that is a whole other thing. I have to sleep on my side, which I hate, but I do have a snoogle (which I also sort of hate) that my SIL gave me. It helps me stay on my side, but no matter what I do my hips get sore in the night, leaving me constantly tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. I don’t have to pee in the night (hallelujah for that!) but I find I wake up around 5 am, and don’t fall back asleep until just before my alarm goes off (convenient). I find I feel most unwell when I’ve had a really bad nights sleep, and potentially adding to the headache situation. I love to sleep so it makes me really sad that I am so uncomfortable all the time. Such is life, just as I’m about to lose a good nights sleep for the next 18 years, pregnancy robs me of it early, just when I need it most.
I am still having a bit of a hard time connecting myself with being a pregnant person. I’m getting used to people who know commenting on my belly, or things to come but I still have a hard time with the words coming out of my mouth. It’s still sort of abstract I guess, I’m waiting to feel movement to help it seem more tangible. Seeing her at the ultrasound will help as well, for a short time at least. Beyond that, it’s still too early (for me) to be buying things, or really doing much to get ready for her arrival. We did buy a dresser, sort of spur of the moment at the Habitat for Humanity REstore as it was a ridiculously good deal and just exactly what I wanted (even though I didn’t know it until I saw it). It needs to be stripped and repainted which I am hoping we can handle but if it is a big failure, no harm no foul. We’ve been gifted a few small items that currently reside in the dresser, and the spare room has been mostly cleared out of the junk that used to inhabit it, but beyond that it just sits empty. We have a good idea of the colors we’d like to use (I love redecorating but I get really specific, near impossible things set in my mind that make it difficult) so I am excited to start buying decor pieces, but still holding off for now.
The spare room was always a bit of a sore point because we always wanted to turn it into a nursery, and now we are finally getting the chance. Right now it is just a mostly empty room, which is somewhat haunting. We used to keep the door closed because one of our dogs like to go in there and poop on the bed (territorial thing or something). Now the bed is gone, so we leave the door open, and the sun that comes through east facing window of the room bathes it in sunlight every morning. It looks so inviting but I still caution myself, one step at a time. I am just getting used to the idea of the room, before we start filling it with baby items.
We’ve had several people offer to give us their old baby items but so far I haven’t taken anyone up on their generosity. I don’t want to start collecting things and bringing them into the house just yet, my superstitious sense getting the best of me yet. J noted that he feels like we should be buying stuff, that it’s making him anxious that we’re not getting prepared. I replied that getting everything too early makes me anxious. As morbid as it may sound, there is no point in buying anything before we hit viability and that’s going to be my sticking point for any major purchases. My mother in law wants to hoard diapers for us now? Go for it, but they’re staying at her house. My BIL and SIL have tons of baby stuff from their two little girls and we need to go visit them (3 hrs away) and spend some time going through it. J wants to go sometime this month (and I potentially won’t be able to go so there may be a skype session involved). We are going on a weekend getaway at the end of May for our 5 year wedding anniversary that will take us right through their city so I suggested stopping in on our way home. By then I’ll be 26 weeks, and more willing to believe we’re bringing a baby home.
I have no true reason to be so paranoid, I’ve never had a miscarriage, a failed transfer or even a “chemical pregnancy”, it’s just I’ve seen what others have gone through, and up until this point my body hadn’t cooperated in getting pregnant so I guess my mind just leaps to the worst. It is still surreal and just seems like pretend. When I really stop to think about the fact that I am pregnant I am flooded with overwhelming happiness that we’re on the pregnancy roller coaster now instead of the infertility roller coaster, but it is still tinged with guilt for those left behind. Infertility has robbed me of confidence in my body.
We are taking things a day at a time, and (knock on wood) so far, so good. I like to think I am in the eye of the storm that is pregnancy; through the first trimester, but awaiting what’s to come in the third. It feels like nothing is happening right now, but soon will be baby showers, buying massively expensive baby items, and getting increasingly large and I’m sure time will disappear quickly. I’m not in love with being pregnant (though I think it is pretty amazing what our bodies can do), and I think that’s ok for me, or any other infertile-turned-pregnant woman. The goal isn’t really to be pregnant, it’s to get a baby out of all of this expense, heart ache and hard work. And that is my end game.