Uncharted Territory

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Monday morning I had a monitoring appointment to check my lining, in preparation for my transfer. They brought me in sooner than they normally would have since I have had so many issues trying to get this FET on track. As the doctor began moving the wand around to view my uterus and lining I knew what was going to happen before he said anything. My lining measured at 8.4mm, my ovaries were quiet, and there were no large, ominous blobs indicating the return of either of the cysts. It is transfer time this Saturday.

Dr. C finished the ultrasound, and told me I’d speak to the nurse after. The nurse gave me instructions for the day of transfer, and my new meds regime, discontinuing Lupron and adding vaginal progesterone. I take my Estrace and my progesterone 3 times daily now, and will continue on for 10 weeks if we achieve pregnancy.

I am excited, scared, nervous; all of the above and more, about the transfer. I know the process itself will be ok. I’m sure I will be dying from having a full bladder, but that’s survivable. We’ve never been this close before, and it is exhilarating, hope-inducing, and frightening all at the same time. I’m trying not to hold out too much hope but at least we are moving forward with something. The wait is going to kill me, this I know. It could be a really good Christmas, or a really bad one. Teetering on the brink, which way will we fall…

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#Microblog Mondays: I Put a Spell on You

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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I am a very cynical, and analytical person, yet every time I am facing a new cycle of treatment, or need something to go my way I find my superstitious side comes out. I’m not religious, I don’t pray to a deity but somehow I feel less anxious when I’m wearing purple, if it’s an odd day of the week, or I have a special piece of jewellery on.

I know it’s silly and isn’t going to effect the outcome either way but it makes me feel better. I have a charm bracelet that I try to wear to monitoring appointments, and a Hamsa necklace that I save for the really big days, such as when we had our retrieval (and will be wearing for transfer when we finally get there). My favorite color is purple, and my favorite number is 3 and I like to factor those things in whenever possible. I don’t like socks, so I don’t have a lucky pair that I wear but I try to have purple toenail polish on when I am in the midst of a treatment cycle.

I also try not to do or say things that I think may jinx myself. I daren’t utter the words “if I’m pregnant…”, or think that if we are pregnant by X date, I can or can’t do such and such. No planning ahead, no buying baby items or taking things from anyone else getting rid of their baby stuff. Don’t talk about it, don’t think about it. Just don’t breathe until it’s over!

Do you have superstitions, and lucky charms or am I just crazy?

Tempting Fate with Wisdom

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Yesterday I had an appointment with an oral maxillofacial surgeon regarding the removal of my wisdom teeth. My dentist referred me sometime last year but I kept putting it off, partly because I didn’t want to do it, and partly because I kept thinking… “well, what if I get pregnant”. You know how that goes.

I decided I may as well go to the consultation appointment, and book the surgery as I could always cancel or move it if needed. Maybe it would be a kick in the pants for Murphy to finally implement his law on me. Because that’s worked out in the past (read: sarcasm) I’ve booked vacations, work trips, family functions all with the thought “what if” in the back of my mind, all to no avail. I figure nothing lost if I just live my life as if I’m not stuck in an unending hamster wheel of infertility.

As I checked in with the reception staff, I was given a clipboard and some paperwork to fill out (only 3 pages? Amateurs). It mostly had to do with my physical health, so of course it asked what medications I was on, if I was actively being treated by a physician, and if I was or could possibly be pregnant. Sometimes when I encounter situations like this, I edit my information on a need to know basis (for example, my regular dentist does not need to know my sordid list of medications just to clean my teeth). This time, I went whole hog and laid it all out there.

I was taken back into a consult room where the doctor came in to discuss the procedure with me. As he browsed my chart, he noted “Lupron…diabetes?..No…” I stopped him and explained I was undergoing infertility treatments, so obviously if it were to be sucessful I would not be going ahead with the surgery. He nodded, understandingly, and didn’t miss a beat. He kept going, explaining the process, advising that they would work around whatever my schedule would be. He delicately asked if I knew my timeline, and I told him I would know by the end of this month what was going to be happening (for this cycle at least).

I then went to speak to billing, as they will preapprove the surgery through my insurance. She asked if I wanted to book an appointment right then and there or wait to see what my insurance would cover. I hummed and hawed for a minute, not caring too much about the insurance, but rather my next FET schedule timing should this one not work. In the end I couldn’t figure quickly enough and it does sort of depend on when we transfer, if it fails, when my next period would start, ect. Not to mention the fact that my boss probably won’t be thrilled to hear upon my return from Hawaii in mid January I’ll need to take more time off for this. I took an appointment on Jan. 29 and I’ll deal with the fallout later if needed.

I didn’t want to tell my boss yet about the surgery because if I do end up getting pregnant I’ll be cancelling and then it will be a moot point. Speaking of my boss, I got a note from my RE’s office for being away unexpectedly all day last Friday, when I had my cysts aspirated. It was extremely vague, it just said my name, that I had an appointment with the clinic (didn’t say what clinic just “clinic”), the date, that it was from Alberta Health Services at Royal Alexandra hospital and along the side it listed the doctors names. If she really wanted she could google them and easily figure out what it is that I am being treated for. I didn’t need to get her a doctors note but I didn’t want to seem like a flake since we were in the midst of a snow storm, and I am not one to call off work on a whim.

Part of me hopes she googled it so that she has a better idea of what I’m doing. The passive aggressive side of me thinks it would be easiest that way, not having to have an actual conversation with her. If she figured it out so be it. I’m still not going to bring it up with her if I don’t have to (and so far I see no reason to). It seems as though fate is starting to force my hand in making decisions, and starting to crack the door open on my infertility. If that’s the case, let’s just kick the door open and get me pregnant shall we?

#Microblog Mondays: The Worth of a Woman

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Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

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Society is generally very family-centric, and a large amount of value is placed on parenting, and being a parent. It feels very dismissive to those of us who don’t yet have children, are struggling to have them, choose not to have them, or have that choice made for us. I sometimes feel as though I’m not living up to my full potential as seen by others,

“You’ll know once you have children”

“Everything is different once you have kids”

“My life felt so empty until I had children”.

Just a few comments I’ve endured. It makes me feel I’m not as valued as someone with children. Am I not a contributing member of society, as a tax payer, as a career woman, as a daughter, a wife, a friend? I’m tired of being considered a second class citizen.