Old Friends, New Again


The universe seems to work in a way that just when I think I’ve caught my balance, it throws me a curveball. I received an email from a long lost friend the other day. Long lost I thought, because shortly after I told her our last IUI failed and we would be looking at IVF, she disappeared into oblivion. She lives in a different city than me, but we used to email back and forth quite often, keep eachother up-to-date and occasionally meet up when one of us was in the others’ city (we don’t live a plane ride away from eachother, just a long car ride). To be fair, after she didn’t respond to my last email, I didn’t call her out on it, or try harder to get in contact. My thought was, ball was in her court, and the timing of her lack of response led me to believe that she maybe didn’t believe in the choices I was making.

Her and I live on different planets in most regards, her religion and upbringing make us very different people that believe very different things, but I was pleased that we could always be respectful of eachother’s views, and remain friends. She was one of the few people I confided in early on about our infertility, and she was very understanding and didn’t try to offer “helpful” suggestions. When she failed to respond to my last email (back in February-ish) when I told her we were going to pursue IVF, I was hurt. I thought it was a pretty important email but I know some people of her religion may not be ok with ART, and IVF so I thought maybe I had hit that line in the sand. I let it go, and received radio silence until this Sunday, when I was surprised to see an email from her in my inbox.

She apologized for not being in touch, that life had gotten in the way (for 10 months…ok whatever). She filled me in with what was going on with her, and asked what was new with me. Apparently her and her husband finally got a new family doctor, after not having one for several years. Her husband had testicular cancer not terribly long after they got married (back in 2010), but they caught it early, and treated it agressively. He ended up losing one testicle, that I do know, but otherwise my friend doesn’t really like to talk about it. She told me she had a full check up, and her doctor did a whole reproductive work up as well because she has debilitating pain when she gets her period (red flag!).

After all of her testing, her uterus was found to be in perfect condition, but her right ovary is almost three times the normal size due to cysts. She is still having that looked into, but obviously it’s not good. She then proceeded to tell me that a couple of months back her period was late. She tested and got a faint positive. She then got one of those tests that dates your pregnancy so she could see how far along she was and it was negative. She went to her doctor and their test was negative as well, and two weeks later she got her period. Now, as soon as I read this I knew she had a chemical pregnancy. She went on to explain this to me in her email, that apparently it is pretty common for first time pregnancies, but most women don’t even know it has happened and she just happened to find out because she’s been undergoing all of this other testing on her reproductive systems she’d been watching her cycles more carefully. She then went on to tell me that her spirits were dampened for a while, but they are back in the saddle and trying again (ok, didn’t know they were trying in the first place).

I do feel awful about her chemical pregnancy, and wish she didn’t even have to know what that is. But her wording, that it “dampened her spirits”, rubbed me the wrong way. Like it wasn’t any big deal to her. I almost felt like she is back in touch because she has some possible fertility troubles of her own. I may totally be mistaking her tone (it is an email afterall) and projecting my own shit onto the whole situation.

The whole thing smacks of the Sex and the City episode where Miranda finds out she is accidentally pregnant with Steve’s baby (who ironically also, only has one testicle) and Charlotte is doing fertility treatments to try and get pregnant to no avail. It’s nothing my friend has done to me, but the woman whose husband has one testicle, and her an ovary full of cysts can manage to get pregnant!? It’s hard to swallow.

My friend is a very sweet person, so considerate (though sometimes a bit oblivious), and very sensitive to others, so I am going to push past my discomfort and write her back. I felt comfortable telling her about our infertility issues because there was no judgement (until I thought there was), perhaps I could use another ally in my corner…

I appreciate all of the support for my FET and, the love from all of you wonderfull bloggy friends when things seemed to be crashing down on this attempt as well. I’d ask to have those good vibes sent to someone else who needs them more than me right now. One of my fellow friends in IF had her FET this past Saturday. Her IVF journey has not been smooth either but she managed to transfer 2, day 3 frost babies this past Saturday. Please send you well wishes into the universe for her!

As for our own treatment, my cycle has not been cancelled (yet…ever the pessimist). My doctor advised that I stay on Lupron until tomorrow when he is having me come in for a scan, and possibly some bloodwork. I haven’t had any more significant bleeding since last Friday, but some spotting over the weekend, and some remnants of blood still being expelled up until yesterday. If the bleeding I had last week wasn’t technically a period then tomorrow is CD28, otherwise I’m not really sure how to count things. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

15 thoughts on “Old Friends, New Again

  1. I’m with calm persistence on this one – 10 months is way too long for life to just gotten in the way. But, I suspect she needs a friend right now who understand, and I think its pretty big of you to give her a chance.

  2. I’m relieved to hear you are still on track. Loved the Sex & the City reference. I totally remember that episode. My husband’s cousins wife got pregnant just using fertility drugs after having ovarian cancer. I was like huh?!?! I was pleased for them that they didn’t have to go as far as we did, but it still stung. The ”why” is something we will never get the answer to get it plagues our minds. Sending lots of positive vibes to you and your cycle buddie.

  3. Your friend may very well have been trying for a while now and just didn’t want to tell you in case she gets pregnant before you (or your IVF worked before she got pregnant). When one is relying on faith and another science, well, the two perspectives can be contradictory to some people. And her choice of phrase says more about how she views things. I have a friend who years ago lost twins to miscarriage but when I tried to get her to open up about it, she refused to say much about it. She was just a Pollyanna about everything which is nice but annoying at times. Sending powerful daimoku (Buddhist prayer) to both you and your friend.

    • Mmhmm, that’s why I feel as though I shouldn’t just dismiss her after all of this time, as it may just be her “way”. I know they haven’t been trying because she distinctly told me they weren’t previously because they were in a tight financial spot and between homes, but that’s neither here nor there. She is rather Pollyanna about it all, and I guess that’s maybe what annoys me. I appreciate your insight, and your prayers.

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