The Age of My Heart

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On Sunday I had to go in to my clinic to redo my SHG, (my clinic does them every 6 months to ensure no polyps or fibroids have grown), but more importantly, find out what the new plan was for my next FET attempt. The SHG was a piece of cake this time. It was most uncomfortable when he inserted the catheter into my uterus but all the rest of it was rather dull. He took lots of glamour shots of my uterus. Everything looked good.

Dr. M moved the wand over to my ovaries, just to have a look, and again there was nothing going on with lefty, but when he moved to the right a good sized orb appeared on the screen. The cyst was still there, though I sort of expected that seeing as it had not resolved itself during my last period, as seen on my CD4 ultrasound. It also appeared as though I may be ovulating from that side as there was another smaller orb tucked in with the cyst. The cyst was measuring at 30mm but Dr. M seemed very unconcerned.

He was a bit more serious with me than he normally is. He’s a very chatty fellow, usually making somewhat off the cuff remarks regarding how he’s going to get me good and pregnant, yada yada. He was still sociable this time, but asked me why we were doing this again in a rhetorical way. I told him I didn’t know, and I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this. He lamented with me, in a somber way I’ve only seen from him once prior; when he told us we’d be best to pursue IVF after 3 failed IUIs. When he finished he didn’t give me any indication of what was to come just told me everything looked good and he would see me later. I realise he has lots of patients but I don’t think he even read my file beyond the fact that I was there for an SHG.

After I got redressed I went to wait for the nurse. She took me into the consultation room, I’m beginning to get all too familiar with these rooms, and told me another nurse would come soon to discuss my protocol. They always put me in a room and then just let me sit and stew for a while, it is probably the worst part because I usually have some idea what’s going on so I worry, but I don’t know enough to be looking forward.

The nurse came in and had a new protocol for me. So I wasn’t going to have to wait long for my next crack at this. And luckily because my period came so swiftly after I stopped Suprefact I will almost certainly be transferring before Christmas. She told me it is a protocol that they’ve borrowed from another clinic and is usually used for donor gametes (as that’s actually what it said on the top of the instruction sheet). She crossed out donor transfer and wrote FET on top instead. The protocol is near identical to their standard protocol with the main difference being that instead of using suprefact nasal spray to down regulate, it used Lupron instead. That’s right, I’m going back on injectables. Apparently it is supposed to suppress better, since my body pretty much overrode the suprefact.

Dr. M is the one who comes up with the new plan, so I know that he’s looked at my file and decided the best course of action but I’m once bitten and twice shy now. The excitement over beginning anew has evaporated and been replaced with concern over the protocol not working. Besides subbing in Lupron for suprefact, there is no additional monitoring scheduled, and not much difference in the protocol. I peppered the nurse with questions but she didn’t have a lot of good answers for me. I asked about the cyst posing a problem, and she just asked me if Dr. M was concerned. I told her no, and that seemed to be that. I told her I was concerned about my lining being too thick, my estrogen being too high, ect. but she seems to think none of it will be a problem this time. She couldn’t even tell me how much Lupron I am taking daily. It just said one unit, she told me the pharmacy would know, and go over everything when I picked up the meds.

The only reason I had early and extra monitoring on my last attempt was because they had modified my FET schedule around my Vegas trip. At first, when the last cycle got cancelled I was pissed at myself for trying to have my cake and eat it to, berating myself for not just delaying by a month to make sure Vegas didn’t interfere with the FET. Now I’m wondering if it wasn’t a blessing in disguise; if I wasn’t going to respond well to suprefact, I would have rather found out when I did instead of getting so much closer to the transfer only to have it unexpectedly ripped away.

So now I am due to start Lupron Nov. 14 and wait until my next period starts. At that point I call the clinic, they will advise me to start my estrogen and antibiotics CD3 and then after 12 – 14 days of estrogen they will have me come in for a lining check. It still just seems odd to me that they don’t do any checks before then… If all looks good on my lining check (as in I am at 8mm triple stripe) they will start me on progesterone and after 5 days of progesterone when my body is artificially ready to accept my day 5 blast, it’s go time. I am trepidatious about even getting to transfer. I’ve just seemed to have the worst luck in this whole process and I don’t want to get ahead of myself as I am wont to do.

Because my SHG/FET WTF (is that enough acronyms for ya?) appointment was on a Sunday I was very dressed down. Normally I am on my way to work after my appointments so I am dressed professionally with my hair and make up done. This time I was wearing a ball cap, old jeans, my converse sneakers and a zip up sweater. I have a boyish figure, and I’ve always looked younger than I am (I’m starting to appreciate this, but did not as much when I was a teenager). As I left the clinic, the nurse patted me on the arm and said “you look so young”. She said it almost in a sad way, like I was too young to be there.

In the grand scheme of things I am still considered young, at 27 years old. Especially given the fact that we are dealing with MFI, I am in an excellent position for IF treatment. People will say time is on my side and that I have lots of it. Though this may all be true, I feel as I’ve aged well beyond my years through this process. I may appear young, but ask me the age of my heart.

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18 thoughts on “The Age of My Heart

  1. My Clinic would check my lining at CD10 and then not check again prior to transfer on CD 21, which I thought was odd. I thought it would make sense to check closer to go time. I raised concerns that my lining was at 11-12 mm on CD9 and then my estrogen was increases which would further proliferate my lining, and could bring it over 15 mm, which I learned is the cancellation at CCRM. I used Lupron for my recent FET, I had a much better stim response with Lupron , so I’m hoping lucky Lupron comes through for me and you!

    • Well, at least your monitoring schedule seems as sparse as mine, makes me slightly less concerned. As much as I hate to be back on injections, I will do what it takes if it’s going to work better. Lupron for the win, right!?

  2. The young comments bug me (27 also). Yes, we understand we have more “time” than say someone in their late 30’s mid 40’s… but just because we have “time” doesn’t mean we want to wait…. I really hope this new protocol is exactly what’s needed!

  3. The young comment bugs me as well – I’m 31 and constantly told I’m young. And now I respond with, I may be 31 today, but if I continue to average 2 miscarriages a year, it will not be long before I’m no longer young. It seems to shut the doctors up pretty quick when I point that out. They seem to forget that all of the RPL/IF stuff does keep us young, it ages us in so many ways as we watch the days and years tick by.
    I hope the new protocol works perfectly!

    • Yeah, I think non-IFers think being young offers some sort of solace. I mean yes, I have more time to try but that also feels a bit like a burden. And in your case, more time to try isn’t what you need.

  4. I use lupron with my FET protocols. Start at 20 units then decrease to 10 unit’s once I introduce estrogen. I only have two appts one on CD3 and another 5 days before transfer to check lining. I completely understand the “you are so young” comment. I’m 25 and look like a teenager. It got overbearing and let me tell you my Dr stopped saying that once they discovered being young doesn’t mean u can stay pregnant. Wishing u the best of luck!

    • Yeah, I think that’s what my protocol is too. After I read a bit through the instruction sheet it has a few more specifics, but the nurse was certainly no help. Glad to hear someone else has a similar protocol, monitoring as me. And you’re too right, being young doesn’t guarantee anything! All the best to you as well 🙂

      • My clinic does this same protocol too. It is fairly common for FETs so don’t fret. I am on a modified version of this right now – doing the Lupron Depot IM shot once instead of daily Lupron shots. My clinic only monitors twice for FETs -once at baseline and once 5 days before transfer. You’re in good hands. Will be cheering you on.

  5. julieann081

    I hope that your new protocol works wonderfully! I love your last sentences of this blog. ❤ I work with college students and I can't tell you the number of people who think I'm a student no matter what I wear!!! Ugh.

  6. I get the opposite…At almost 38…I’m made to feel so old in the fertility world. Some days you’d think my life was about over. I hope the lupron does what it’s supposed to and everything proceeds smoothly.

    • Yeah, I feel like you can’t win. I feel as though I’m not taken seriously sometimes by my clinic because of my age, yet you’re made to feel like a senior citizen (sorry!) Hoping for the best…

  7. I’m glad that you have a plan in place. I hate when people tell me that I’m young and I still have time. Im pretty sure age isn’t the only factor in infertility. Like just because I’m 30 doesn’t mean im not struggling to conceive.

    • Yeah, for sure. If I wasn’t going through infertility, sure being young and trying to concieve would be awesome but looking at the circumstances sort of levels out the playing field.

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