Déjà vu


My period has finally arrived, 4 days late. We can only hope the next cycle is also late, or the clinic can work around my trip. That is yet to be determined. We stayed in a hotel last night because we are out of town visiting family. So not fun hotel sex. Good thing I didn’t bleed all over the immaculate white bedding. I’m relieved to get the next cycle started, but nervous about what this cycle may or may not be the beginning of.

Today, I will be attending my nieces’ joint birthday party (they were born on the same day, both by c-section. So, yes, it was intentional). I am having a sense of deja vu, because close to this time last year we were visiting my sister in law in the hospital just after she had my niece, her second daughter. This same weekend we were visiting their new baby, my period decided to show up, driving us closer and closer to beginning our journey with IUIs, and then IVF.

While we were staring down infertility treatment, my brother and sister in law had just added another child to their family and been discussing adopting two little boys. Because my sister in laws pregnancies had been very difficult, but they (she) wanted to continue to build their family, they thought adoption would be a good “solution”. I’m certain they knew nothing about adoption, how it works, and what it cost. It was just their newest fantasy, they had cooked up while enjoying their new sweet baby. But it led to me cry in a mall food court when J told me. Happy birthday to my darling nieces, the living reminders of my infertility.


17 thoughts on “Déjà vu

  1. It’s one thing dealing with infertility in your home, with your husband, behind closed doors. At times you get into a rhythm, into an understanding that things just suck and it’s a difficult time, but you don’t have to discuss it daily. I know I should be a grown up and say and then we have to deal with reality like baby hospital visits and birthday parties, but I actually think the universe should give us a special pass. You are going through infertility? Treatments? Great, you are excused from all baby showers, baby parties, birthdays, etc until you feel you can handle it. Not the most “grown-up” thing I’ve ever said, but definitely the way I have felt:/ Kind of like the time I hosted a baby shower the DAY AFTER my failed IVF cycle. Period came early, Beta wasn’t supposed to be for five more days… needed that pass from the universe that day… ugh…sending you LOTS of love.

    • You are so strong to have been able to pull off a baby shower right after a failed IVF cycle. I am fortunate that I haven’t had to attend too many showers, ect. But I don’t want to have distance myself from my family (or my best friend who just had a baby). Anyone else, sorry but it’s not worth the heartache. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and save strength for the important things.

  2. Hang in there. I’m sure the party will be hard. Plan for it to be and give yourself and escape hatch. It’s so hard being a spectator to other people’s pregnancies and families – we get so little support. Sending prayers.

    • Thank you, I held it together well during the party but I could feel the emotional weight later on. I am pretty sure my sister in law knows it’s hard for us and she always expresses her appreciation when we take the time to attend. But I still wish I could just stay home with my head under the covers.

  3. Oh I am so sorry! It is so unfair what you have to go through while watching others have babies. Sending you a big hug and hoping it all works out with this next cycle, the timing, and everything so that it is as smooth as it can be to getting your sweet baby here. xoxo

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