Emotional Hangover


Today has been a bit of a downer day, I am having one of those days where I am just struggling to stay afloat. I didn’t have to work today, which I am thankful for, as this week has bee a trying one work-wise (though I do have to work tomorrow). I think all of the emotion over the past few months came to a culmination with the egg retrieval and final count of our frozen embryos. There was impatience in waiting to get started, feeling like we were finally moving again after being stalled for several months once I reached CD1 and called in to start my cycle. Leading up to starting our IVF cycle there was anticipation, hope, nervousness, and a little bit of excitement. The massive ups and downs of the stimming, and then retrieval. Waiting for the phone calls from embryology to up date us on our growing little balls of cells, there was always a next thing to move toward.

And now, nothing. Just like my estrogen levels came crashing down, so too have my emotions. I am once again left with waiting, waiting for the next piece to start. Although I am happy to have a next piece, that will hopefully be the final piece, I am somehow left with a feeling of melancholy. The immense crush of infertility is again resting on my shoulders. I was able to put it aside for the task at hand that was IVF, but now it’s just limbo again.

I think know that part of this feeling is due to the fact that we have to choose whether to transfer one embryo or two. Before we even started our cycle I had my mind set on one (depending on the quality of the embryos) and I am still firm in that decision, especially since they are all of good quality. The problem is that J is not in agreeance. We had a very short, very emotional, clipped conversation about it the other night. He wants two, I tried to explain my side to him, but he doesn’t really even want to discuss it. Not because he doesn’t want to see my side, but he is very emotional about it. He just told me to choose, that he didn’t want to argue about it. I don’t want to argue about it either but I did want to discuss it. He told me he wants to do whatever will give us better odds because he doesn’t think he can go through another failure. I don’t see that as a good enough reason for us to take the riskier chance of multiples to increase our odds, when even that is not a guarantee that it will work. Not with the first transfer at least.

With my age, and the fact that we are dealing with MFI, which has been overcome by using ICSI, I feel that we have a genuinely good chance of our first single FET working. Our clinic gave us the average success rate for a single transfer being around 45%. Now interestingly enough, this is not our clinic’s figure, it is from Quebec, where IVF is provincially funded, but only for single transfer. Our clinic does not do enough single transfers to have the data for success rates. So obviously my choice of a single is not a popular one. I am willing to do a double but only if the single doesn’t work. I asked the embryologist if doing two single transfers was equal to doing a double, and he told me no. For some reason double embryo transfers do better, as if the embryos help each other, even if only one of them implants. It is some sort of weird anomaly that makes it even harder for me to turn away from a double transfer.

We have time to decide, but I doubt either of us will change our minds. If he is telling me to decide, then he is consenting to a single transfer, even if it is not what he wants, I feel it is what’s best. I just don’t want to feel guilt if a single doesn’t work. I feel doing a double right off the bat, for us, is like taking a risk, just to get something done more quickly. One may be enough, and then we would have 4 left for future use, if we want.

So, all in all, infertility is still beating me down. I thought I might have a nice reprieve between my retrieval and transfer, but I should have known better.

10 thoughts on “Emotional Hangover

  1. julieann081

    I’m sorry that you’re going through so much right now. I hope you can discuss things with your husband and come to a consensus you will both be at peace with! ❤

  2. It’s a big decision. We are leaning towards 2 but that’s not our final call yet. I agree that the risk of multiples is a big one to swallow. As much as I would be happy with 2 children, I know for a fact (twin sister and bro) that a multiple pregnancy is difficult, not to mention raising twins. Hope you find some peace and agreement with your husband.

  3. I’m so sorry your in a slump. Infertility sure does beat is down an decisions like these are not easy…especially when y’all don’t agree. I just wrote a post on transferring one or two. What helped me is to take the worse case scenario with either choice and decide which one you’ll regret more if it happens. For me, it was easier to swallow a BFN than the risk of twins. Sounds like you’re the same. Hubby will come around. They just want this to be over with so it’s hard for them to talk rationally about it. Hugs!!!! I hope you find your way on this decision and your baby is just around the corner.

    • Thanks Jessah, that’s really what it comes down to, I’d rather have to try again with a second transfer than risk twins on the first shot. Hubby and I had a discussion last night, and he said he will support whatever decision I make. He understands why I want one, and is more onboard now. Just hoping all it takes is one!

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through so much right now, and the limbo part makes it all the harder. I completely understand your fears of transferring two, in fact, my clinic is so very strict that we can only transfer two if the quality is poor on day three, as apparently they don’t expect both to implant. It’s a huge decision though. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. I like how Jessah framed the issue. Your hubby might just need a bit more time to process things. Fortunately/unfortunately you still have time to make a decision. I feel like the clinic led us astray on this when they originally quoted the success rates for IVF. All along I had intended on doing a single embyro transfer but they never mentioned what the lower success rate was for the single ones. Now that we are knee deep into the process its not like I can change my mind, but I am not sure I would have proceeded with IVF if I had know that at the start.

    • I guess the average success rate is what they gave us and obviously that is based on mostly double transfers, seeing as they don’t even have their own stats on single transfers…

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