Invested in the Grey Area

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Throughout this process, the whole process, from the first month of trying to conceive naturally, through the first appointment at the fertility clinic, and during our IUIs, I have never felt like we have had any tangible success. We’ve never been pregnant, I’ve never seen those double lines. Even during the IVF process, I was focused on taking my meds, growing those follicles, and making it to the retrieval. It was all matter of fact, specific, detail-oriented. Obviously there have been a lot of emotions through this journey, ups and downs, tentative hope and crushing failure, but nothing true and real to pin our hopes on.

When we first visited our fertility clinic, there didn’t seem to be any reason why IUI wouldn’t work for us, but I don’t know that I ever had any faith in that. At the same time, I desperately hoped it would work because I just couldn’t do IVF. In my mind, I wasn’t strong enough, brave enough, didn’t want to spend the money when “normal people” get babies for free, and never thought we would get to that point. I was just in denial. As time went on, and IUIs continued to fail, I came to the realization that IVF may be our last hope (for our own genetics at least). I came to peace with it, but was still nervous about making it through.

Though I was miserable on my meds, had many scary moments where my cycle could have been cancelled, and am still bitter that this is where our journey has brought us, I did it because I have to know I did everything to get our take home baby. As of now, we are one step closer than we have ever been to that becoming a reality.

We got the call the day after retrieval that out of 13 eggs, 9 were mature. This is pretty much exactly what I expected as there were two larger follicles that would have held over-mature eggs, and two small follicles that would have most likely been immature eggs. Out of those 9, there were 7 fertilized with ICSI. On day three of growth, those 7 had continued to divide normally, and one more of the original 9 had decided to join the bunch, though it was slow and only of fair quality. As of this morning 5 made it to freeze. There is one straggler still, only of fair quality, so I’m not counting on that one. First big hurdle done, now let’s just hope they thaw well…

We have created living cells that are half him, and half me. This situation begets a bit of a grey area for me. Although I am pro choice, and think that people need to do what is best for their own situation, I am already attached to these embryos. They are us, and could give rise to our child(ren). I found myself thinking of them often, growing and multiplying in the lab. They are now frozen in time, suspended until they can be transferred to my uterus. Created Jul. 31 but waiting on ice until it’s time to come home.

It is surreal. I have a hard time wrapping my head around it, and yet I am already so invested in them. I know we still have many hurdles to get through, the thaw, the transfer, carry to term, and birthing a child. Hope can be a dangerous thing, but I can’t help but hope, that one of those embryos is our baby.

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15 thoughts on “Invested in the Grey Area

  1. I have lots of hope for you. My husband and I are on pretty much the same path as you – we’ve never seen those double lines and we’ve been through many failed IUIs – now we’re moving on to IVF. I’m sending hope you’re way girl – because that’s all that we can do.

    • Thank you. I hate that it came to this for my husband and I, as well as you and yours. It is just unfair, but we do what we feel we have to, for us, right? Hoping all goes well for you as well.

  2. RR

    I am in the same boat right now. I think of my frozen babies all day! I have been thinking that they are already boys and girls which is crazy! (my husband certainly thinks I am crazy). What is different is that I have been pregnant, I have seen those beautiful two pink lines three times in my life. The first was the happiest day of my life ever as we had been trying for exactly two years at that point. I was nervous but started to relax at our 12 week appointment when everything was “perfect”. Then we went to the nuchal scan and no heart beat. It was devastating. This happened two more times within one year, once at 10 weeks (after heart beat) then at 8 weeks(after heart beat). The pain has gotten so big, I don’t think it will ever go away. We just did our first IVF and are now waiting on PGS results…hoping…yet trying not to hope as the thought of being pregnant again absolutely terrifies me. I would rather never be pregnant again than lose another little one.

    Sorry to go on, just I get your pain. Everything you write resonates so much with me. I hope your pain ends and that your frozen baby is waiting somewhere in a little petrie dish. Until then, we can both love all our little “possible” babies.

  3. Elizabeth

    So excited for you and hopeful. You are so right- hope is a dangerous thing… But you can’t help but hope. I am in the tww of hope right now. 🙂

  4. Wow, I couldn’t have said any of this better myself. I can relate to all of it. The hope in IUI but doubt that it would work, the thinking I could never do IVF, the pain in knowing that seemingly everyone else gets a baby for free, the methodical focus on each step with IVF, the love for your embryos… We unfortunately had none to freeze (and fortunately the one worthy of transfer stuck), but I still mourned for my embryos that stopped growing. You have an excellent opportunity that one or some could become your living child(ren), and though hope can feel like a terrible thing to us in this community at times, it can also be the most beneficial and helpful thing, and sometimes all we have. So my advice is to hold onto hope. I so hope that you have a successful transfer, a sticky embie, and soon your take home baby!

  5. Beautiful post! The first part totally resonated with me. Not at the embryo stage yet, but I can imagine I will feel the same way. Finally something tangible to hold on to, how can we not get our hopes up? I started to teat up at the end (I blame the IVF drugs – ha ha). I am glad we have each other to go through this with 🙂

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