Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night


I had my first monitoring appointment today, exactly a week after my cycle almost fell apart. Monitoring is normally more frequent by now but because of the confusion with the birth control and my estrogen level, my schedule got bumped by 3 days. To be honest, this is sort of ok with me, as it would put my retrieval over the August long weekend, so I don’t have to miss work, and I have more time to recover (if needed).

I was really nervous going into todays appointment, just because of the almost cancellation of the cycle, and then starting my meds 3 days later. Nothing really got off onto the right foot. I was scared that the cycle might possibly get cancelled because of the problems and delays. Yet again, I had a very early morning, and I wasn’t even first in line this time. Luckily I had to work late tonight so I was able to go into work around noon, well after my appointment finished and I had time to go to the pharmacy, and then home for a bit. I had J come with me because there was a bunch of consent forms that needed to be witnessed, so it was just easier to get the nurses to do it and keep our privacy.

I hate getting there early because then I just have to sit and wait, and stew in my nervousness. It was almost better that J was there, I at least had him to chat with. We went back fairly quickly, even though I was third instead of first this time. I had to wait a bit for my ultrasound as my doctor tends to get backed up on Thursdays as he has “learners” with him in the morning. I could hear him in the next ultrasound room once he finally got going, and he whips in and out of those ultrasounds pretty quick.

I do love my doctor though, he has very good bedside manner, and even though he is in a rush he takes time to be chatty and he loves to joke around about giving me stretch marks. He’s always very lighthearted and I know he tries to make his patients feel comfortable, which I appreciate. He checked my lining and said it looked very good, at 7mm. Then he started listing the follicle sizes out to the nurse to be recorded. The first one on the right side was 18mm! I was surprised there was one that was that big already, but not entirely shocked as I’ve been having some pretty strong, uncomfortable pressure on that side. He counted off the rest of them, on the right I think there were another 4 or 5 that were in the 11mm – 13mm range. The left side only had about 4 I think, again around the same size. I was sort of disappointed that there weren’t more of them, and I expressed this to Dr. M. He told me not to worry, that there would be more soon. He said he doesn’t like the look of the 18mm, it’s too big already so that one might be a bust.

So after that I was feeling pretty good, relieved that everything was on track (besides the 18mm keener). I was told to start my orgalutran (ovulation inhibitor) tonight, and to come back on Saturday for my next monitoring. The nurse who told me to start orgalutran, said come back in two days and that was it. I double checked with the other nurse as I was leaving if there was anything else I needed to do today. She said no, but she did helpfully inform me that apparently the clinic doesn’t do blood work on Saturdays so I have to go to a different part of the hospital, and then back over to the clinic. And the lab for my blood work doesn’t open until 9am. Normally this would be a nice reprieve from the early mornings, but I am supposed to be at work for 9am on Saturday…so I am definitely going to miss a few hours. I am not sure how long the waits are on Saturdays and what the protocol at the clinic is, so that’s another fun unknown.

So, slightly stressed about that, and had to tell my boss that I was going to be at another appointment on Saturday, plus I mentioned to her that I may have others in the coming week. She doesn’t ask me why, which I appreciate and think she knows I don’t want to talk about it. Besides protecting my privacy, and not putting any of my career aspirations in jeopardy, I realized I just don’t want anyone knowing about IVF because I don’t want to have other people waiting with bated breath to hear the results.

I had my cell phone on my desk at work today (like most days), I can’t generally answer it, but I can at least see if I get a message, or a missed call and then go attend to it away from my desk. Today, I did not notice the two missed phone calls until a bit before 5 pm. I checked my messages, both from one of the nurses at the clinic, urging me to take my orgalutran at 1pm as per my doctors orders (the first message from 12:40pm) and the second message reiterating for me to take it as soon as possible if I hadn’t already (this message from around 2pm) and my menopur was fine to take at the same time I normally do in the evening. The phone lines are only open until 3:30pm. I took my meds home after my appointment and had to stay late at work, until around 8pm when I normally take my menopur. So cue freak out (internally, as I was still at work). I am thinking Dr. M wanted to make sure that fat fucker, 18, didn’t rupture early and screw everything up. Something with my blood work must have come back high, to have them call me twice, and with such urgency.

There was nothing I could do. As soon as I got home, around 8:45pm, I did the orgalutran shot. The pharmacist said it might sting a bit, or cause some nausea, as well as redness and swelling around the injection site. Oh great, I thought, because the menopur wasn’t enough. Firstly the syringe is pre-filled, which is handy, secondly, the needles are dull as fuck. They are about the same size and diameter of the menopur needle but with menopur it slides into my skin with ease, like a knife through butter. I pushed the orgalutran needle to my belly, and nothing, it barely dented the skin. So going at it the second time I had to give it a bit more force. Thankfully it went in, and the injection did not sting whatsoever. I then iced my belly for a bit to prep for menopur. Now, backing up a bit the pharmacist did tell me to do menopur, and then orgalutran, but because the clinic seemed to adamant about the orgalutran earlier in the day (and therefore first) I reversed the order and did them about 20 minutes apart.

My belly did get red around the orgalutran shot, and when I went to do the menopur shot, I tried doing it on the same side as the orgalutran. I picked a spot a fair distance away from the orgalutran site, and away from the redness. I barely pierced the skin, and immediately pulled it back out. Oh the pain! Apparently orgalutran and menopur do not play nice together. Take two, I did the menopur on the opposite side, with no major issue (besides the normal burning).

I have been cycling paranoid nightmares through my head that I’ve ovulated or will, that it’s too late. I’ll have to wait until Saturday to find out if I’m safe or not. I called the clinic and left them a message telling them the situation, so I’ll hear back tomorrow morning as to what, if anything, I should do, beside continuing on with my meds. It may just be my imagination, but I feel like I am having less pressure on my right side, where the biggin’ is/was. I may just be projecting my delusions onto my ovaries, but so far I have been very in tune with my body and able to feel what’s been happening. So now I have a really bad feeling.

In my naiveté I thought our IVF cycle would go smoothly. Then after our first hiccup, I was nervous. But everything looked good today, I though we were back on track, and I let myself get hopeful again. I didn’t think I had any naiveté left, after everything that infertility has taken from me. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Please hold on little (big) follicle. I need you to hang on.

4 thoughts on “Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night

  1. Hope it all goes well. I will be using orgalutran too, so thanks for the tips. It’s too bad you can’t escape from work hell for a few days and deal with your IVF. (Fake the flu?) Do you have time off lined up for your retrieval and transfer?

    • I have literally been sick to my stomach with worry, so one of my coworkers knows I am not feeling well, plus they have some vague info that I am having some medical issues so if I went home sick it wouldn’t be unexpected. I have appointments with clients today, and to be honest I don’t know if being at home will be any better. I will miss a couple hours of work tomorrow but they will be pretty hard up if I am not there at all. I know I need to take care of myself, but I also need to be reasonable and stick it out at work when I can. I have next weekend off, and that would be my tentative retrieval date. I was just going to call in sick if it was schedule for a day I was to be at work. As for the transfer, I’m not thinking that far ahead yet, as I don’t know if I’ll get there, or if it will end up being a freeze all cycle. I’ll cross that bridge if/when I get there…

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