I don’t really know how to properly express myself. I feel so much, but I am very much in my own head. I am not creative or expressive. I am not religious or spiritual. I know some people see this as a life lacking but I prefer to leave out the things that I do not have the need or want for. I am very analytical and skeptical.

I read other peoples posts and poetry, about life and infertility, and I think to myself how amazing that they are able to express themselves so clearly, poetically, or poignantly. I so wish I could do that.

Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to articulate it. It is frustrating to me, though I don’t know that being able to label what I’m feeling will make me any more apt at dealing with it. Sometimes I overreact, and over think things. Other times I think that I may be under reacting, or some things just don’t registry as hotly with me. And this is not just with infertility but life itself. Obviously infertility has brought out a lot of complicated feelings and has cracked most other aspects of my life wide open.

Sometimes I want to be introspective, and broody. Lie with my thoughts, and feel their weight. And other times I just want to slip out from under my worries and anxieties. Wear my shiny happy face (Which I do have, it’s not always “put on”, sometimes it’s really real). Laugh, and have fun. Convince myself that it will all be ok. Fill my mind with uplifting thoughts and know that I will get through because what choice do I have. Which is true. So perhaps my mind is just confused.

9 thoughts on “Expression

  1. bebepaulo

    I think everything you are feeling is normal. There is not a single “right” way to feel or express yourself. You just gotta do you.

  2. I think infertility can make you feel trapped in your own head. I certainly feel that way a lot. I think you have articulated your thoughts well in this post, perhaps you need to give your self more credit for expressing yourself through your blog! X

  3. I believe you are exactly who you are supposed to be. You react to things exactly how YOU should. And eventually all the pieces will come together for you and you will have a clearer picture of what you need or should do. As tough as it is try and be patient and find joy in the little things in life. If you look around life is full of things to be joyful about and will help carry you through the tougher times!

  4. You sound like me! I just king of word vomit when I feel like it, and none of it is particularly awesome, but I know one of the reasons why I write is to look back later. I also feel like I’m sometimes less feely than I’m supposed to be, but there’s no right way to deal with life.

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