I don’t really know how to properly express myself. I feel so much, but I am very much in my own head. I am not creative or expressive. I am not religious or spiritual. I know some people see this as a life lacking but I prefer to leave out the things that I do not have the need or want for. I am very analytical and skeptical.
I read other peoples posts and poetry, about life and infertility, and I think to myself how amazing that they are able to express themselves so clearly, poetically, or poignantly. I so wish I could do that.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to articulate it. It is frustrating to me, though I don’t know that being able to label what I’m feeling will make me any more apt at dealing with it. Sometimes I overreact, and over think things. Other times I think that I may be under reacting, or some things just don’t registry as hotly with me. And this is not just with infertility but life itself. Obviously infertility has brought out a lot of complicated feelings and has cracked most other aspects of my life wide open.
Sometimes I want to be introspective, and broody. Lie with my thoughts, and feel their weight. And other times I just want to slip out from under my worries and anxieties. Wear my shiny happy face (Which I do have, it’s not always “put on”, sometimes it’s really real). Laugh, and have fun. Convince myself that it will all be ok. Fill my mind with uplifting thoughts and know that I will get through because what choice do I have. Which is true. So perhaps my mind is just confused.