It’s All Led Up to This

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Tomorrow will be a big day for us. We have our appointment with Dr. M to discuss the next steps. So far as I know our clinic usually does 3 unmonitored IUI cycles (on clomid, using OPK’s to detect ovulation) and then will move onto 3 more with injectables and monitoring. We’ve done our first 3 IUIs but due to our MFI I don’t really think adding injectables or monitoring is going to help any. If the problem is not primarily with me, then I don’t see what good jacking up my ovaries even more is going to do. It seems like a waste of time and money.

But then on the other hand I think, “What if this (IUI) were to work?”. Do we try the less expensive, but less likely to work (based on % of success and our MFI) option a few more times, or just jump to the big guns which have a much better chance of working? I pretty much have my mind set on IVF but there is always that little whisper in the back of my mind, what if…When it comes down to it, I think if we were to try 3 more IUIs before going to IVF and none of those worked, it would push me over the edge. My mental well being can’t take 3 more IUI cycles, and if those all fail to have to do IVF on top of it all? I don’t think I have the strength.

Knowing what I do, about the fact that J has less than stellar counts, and poor morphology, I feel that IVF is the best route for us. I will ask Dr. M just to get his opinion on it, but unless he has strong reasoning as to why we should try IUIs again, I don’t think I’ll be convinced. I know doing IVF is going to be disruptive to our life, but if I had to do injectables and monitoring for IUIs it would be just as disruptive, and then we could very well end up doing IVF anyways.

I realize although IVF has a better percentage of success than IUIs, it is still usually less than 50% odds, which in most things in life would be really bad. At this point, I don’t want to have to think about doing more than one IVF cycle, but if we do I hope that the first time around we have enough embies to freeze. I also have a question of, what if we produce a lot of embies, and get our take home baby with frozen ones left? I am not comfortable with embryo donation (I don’t even know if that is legal in Canada?), but I would feel bad working so hard only to dispose of them. I know this is an ethical, spiritual question, and I don’t need to face it right now but it sits in the back of my mind.

There is so much swirling around, besides questions of our treatment moving forward. A bigger question is just about moving forward in general. We don’t even know what direction we’re headed in. We haven’t heard back from J’s work transfer opportunity, now a week later than they said we’d hear from them. I’m still not sure what to make of this. I think we are going to have to make the decision soon if we keep pursuing a job transfer/move, or if we decide to stick it out here, and go hard into IF treatment? If we stay here, do I stay at my current job, or take the other opportunity that I’ve been presented with?

I think everything is going to have to come to a head soon. We can’t just keep standing still waiting for life to guide us in one direction or another, we’re going to have to make a difficult choice. I think J and I will have to sit down and really discuss our options. We’ve sort of just been avoiding it for the moment, focusing on a job transfer that may never happen. We’ve both been waiting for our appointment with Dr. M because when a professional lays it all out, shit’s gonna get real.

So I’m sure discussion will ensue Monday evening. Our appointment is at 9am tomorrow, but then we both have to go right to work afterwards. Perhaps that’s a good thing, it will give us individual time to digest things before we come together to talk it over. I know J has very strong opinions about our IF treatment, but sometimes I feel like he doesn’t have the basis to be so firm in his opinions because it’s not him who has to go through this, physically. So we’ll see where that take us. Wish us luck!…or something.

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The No Baby Boom

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I read this article a couple of weeks ago when it was in Mel’s Friday Blog Roundup (which I look forward to every Friday). I really liked how it discussed all aspects of childlessness, and how people got to that point whether it be by choice, or not (infertility, not the right partner, the right partner too late in life, ect). Obviously it touched a nerve with me because I do feel less valuable in a family-centric society. I haven’t added to the population and do not care for small humans, therefore I am lesser? Umm, don’t think so! It’s an interesting read, and I’m glad there are people out there advocating for the NoMo’s (not mothers)!

http://www.macleans.ca/society/the-no-baby-boom/

Lost at Sea

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I’m sending out an S.O.S. We’re lost, and I’m not sure which way we’re headed anymore. Ok, so this is not a new theme but it seems to be getting worse and more confusing. I used to have sight of land in the distance, but now the fog has closed in and I don’t know which way is out.

Yesterday my boss told me that I have been accepted into a training program that I have been on a waiting list for, for several months now. They only take a few people at a time because it costs the company a fair bit of money. Once you are enrolled you have 2 years to complete it and people were enrolling and then not finishing, so then you have to start all over. So in any case, I won’t actually be enrolled until later this year because there is a seminar that they would send me on in September so they want my enrollment date to be as close as possible to the seminar so I get the full 2 years from that point.

So, as far as I know I am enrolled for the seminar, which is on a cruise to Alaska. It is part seminar during the days we are at sea, and part familiarization trip with the cruise line we are travelling and Alaska as a destination (I am a travel agent for those who aren’t aware…yes livin’ the dream…sometimes). Now I’m not sure if I were to quit my job before September (if J gets transfered, or if I decide to move to a different company) if I would have to pay back the seminar, because generally these things are non refundable. They may be allowed to swap someone else out for me, so at this point I said yes and I’ll worry about it down the road. The bigger problem comes if I were to quit after the seminar; if I were to leave within 6 months of the seminar, I would have to pay it back (that’s company policy).

But what if I get pregnant? If it is before September I would have to tell my boss and turn down the training opportunity altogether. If it is after September, then I wouldn’t technically be quitting, plus I most likely wouldn’t be going on mat leave within 6 months of the seminar so it shouldn’t matter too much. But then I will be signed up for the 2 year training program. I’m not sure how that would be handled if I were to leave.

I am not going to say no at this point, because who knows what will happen. I can’t live my life assuming I’ll be pregnant, or we’ll be moved or who knows what. This is an awesome step in my career and my company is paying for it, so I want to take advantage.

On that note, we still haven’t heard anything from the job interview J had a week and a half ago. We’re dying here. He said he might try and contact the recruiter to see if she knows anything, or can put him in touch with the decision makers. It’s annoying because they said they would be in touch by the end of last week…still waiting!

I was having a bad day yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed at work and when I start to feel that way it makes me stressed and lately I don’t handle stress well. I think too, because this new training opportunity came up it kind of threw me a little bit. So then I fall into a downward spiral, stressed over work, thinking about our upcoming appt with Dr. M, worried about the future and what it will bring. Plus I felt like junk yesterday. Little did I know that AF was making her way to me (3 days early). I missed a BCP sometime mid cycle, so I took it in the morning when I remembered and then I forgot to take my last pill on Sunday but at that point I figured, who cares if I missed the last one.

I think once we have an answer on what’s going on with J’s job prospect, I might feel a little clearer in what I should do. Hopefully we can make some decisions and get ourselves back on track and in sight of land again, a new land of opportunities and exciting challenges.

 

Treading Water

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Wise Deepak, hopefully that's the truth.

Wise Deepak, hopefully that’s the truth.

So here I am hanging out, not moving forward or backwards, just staying status quo. We haven’t heard back from the location that J interviewed for last week. I’m not sure whether to consider that a good thing, or not. Last time it proved not, but in my mind I rationalize that if they were going to turn him down they would have done it already…right? Yeah, we’ll see.

We are also inching closer to our appt with Dr. M and it is making me nervous. I mean I pretty much already have an idea of how it’s going to go down. He might suggest more IUI’s with injectables but I think that’s a waste of time and money, so we’ll move on to discussing IVF. I know there is a whole protocol of meeting the IVF coordinator, ect. but I don’t know much past that. I don’t even want to think about it right now because it’s going to be some heavy sh*t.

Plus, we have to decide how long we (as in J) are going to keep trying to apply for out of country jobs before we decide to give up stop. I’m sort of thinking once we get back from our vacation, at the beginning of May, we might need to make some decisions. I can’t go on forever in limbo like this, it is driving me absolutely batty.

I’ve recently started reading a book called Unsung Lullabies, and it’s like the authors are in my head (well, really they have been because all 3 have gone through IF). Here is the write up from Goodreads about the book;

For people experiencing infertility, wanting a baby is a craving unlike any other. The intensity of their longing is matched only by the complexity of the emotional maze they must navigate.

With insight and compassion, Drs. Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond-specialists in the field of Reproductive Psychology who have each experienced their own struggle with infertility-give couples the tools to:

*Reduce their sense of helplessness and isolation
*Identify their mates’ coping styles to erase unfair expectations
*Listen to their “unsung lullabies”–their conscious and unconscious dreams about having a family–to mourn the losses of infertility and move on.

Ground-breaking, wise, and compassionate, Unsung Lullabies is a necessary companion for anyone coping with infertility.

It sounds a little bit hokey, but I was hooked from the first chapter. It is pretty hard to read because it talks about the depression, helplessness, and general awfulness of the situation. But as I read along, I am nodding my head in agreement with what is being said. I’m only 3 chapters in and so far it hasn’t much talked about coping methods, as it is more unearthing the “side effects” of infertility, if you will. I was reading it on the iPad at the gym the other day, and it felt good to give it my all on the bike while reading such difficult subject matter. Helped me not to cry. Also, I have to say, I love ebooks. I can read something without other people know what it is.

From what I’ve read so far, I would highly recommend it, but I’ll let you know when I finish it. I’ve recently compiled a huge list of books to read while on vacation (probably more than I will actually need). I really need to get back into reading, it is a great distraction and there is so much I want to read. Plus I have so many books that I am interested in. I use to be an avid reader but I just have lost my drive, or desire to do anything but sit in front of the tv lately.

Overall, I am ready to have a plan to set in motion. I hate standing still when there are so many plans to be made. Come on universe, let’s get rolling!

Musings from the Gym Part II

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Ok, this time I am actually talking about the gym. I really dislike working out, or most exercise of any kind. I don’t like sweating, and that rules out a lot of activites. I did get into yoga (not hot yoga, ew) last summer, and have been going religiously ever since. I’ve even got J coming with me now too, and he really likes it as well. It was last year that J decided to sign up for our local commnunity gym (we have quite a nice one 2 minutes from our place), and that’s what got me into starting yoga as the gym offers many different classes, all included with the monthly membership.

J started going to the gym pretty regularly, for a while there and I would go with him every once and a while but I was pretty much only taking advantage of the yoga class most months (though if I go to yoga every week it pretty much equals the value of my monthly membership). We both slacked off the gym more over the winter (in that J started going less often and I stopped going all together, except yoga).

We have both been trying to be healthier since we got our IF diagnoses (and seeing that it is MFI, J really needs to do everything he can). I try and go with him because it is pretty hard for him to get up off the couch if I am still lounging around, comfy and cozy at home with the dogs. Thing is, I don’t need to lose weight (gasp, I know, what woman says that!?), I am on the very lowest end of a normal BMI for my height and have always been very petite. In fact when I was younger (like Elementary, Junior High school) I got teased abut how thin I was. I’ve always just had a fast metabolism.

Ok, insert skinny bitch comments here, I know, I get that a lot. But I can’t say I am one of those people who says nothing tastes better than skinny feels. I love junk food. I have this fear for the day my metabolism catches up to me and I turn into a 500-lb whale. Despite the fact that I am very tiny, I am really out of shape. Like I can’t run to save my life. Literally, if someone was chasing me and trying to kill me, I’m probably going to die. So I figured I could start working out to build up endurance, and just be “fit”. Also, exercise creates endorphins, and endorphins can help reduce stress, trigger positive feelings, aid sleep and many other beneficial side effects. So there is really no downside (except for the fact I have to get off my ass).

I have been trying really hard lately though, I think it is easier now that it is Spring, even though you wouldn’t know it by the weather here. It is light out longer though, and the weather is slightly more tolerable in that it doesn’t keep me totally housebound. I’ve gone to the gym 3 days in a row now. I think J is pretty surprised when he asks me if I want to come to the gym and I say yes. Usually it is a rhetorical question, but he asks in hopes that I might say yes. I want to support him so that he will go, and I know I really should try and get into a routine of it as well.

I went bikini shopping yesterday for our upcoming tropical holiday and I was not over joyed by what I see in the mirror. Not fat, but not great either. I have no toning or definition, my stomach is not flat, I have no boobs, and I have scoliosis (curvature of the spine) so my entire torso is off centre and it creates an odd look as my hips don’t line up properly. I’m sure it’s not obvious to most people at a passing glance but it is glaringly obvious to me. Unfortunately there isn’t much I can do about my scoliosis, it is not serious enough to warrant any treatment (which would be surgery). I started yoga in hopes of strengthening my core as that can sometimes help with scoliosis, though will generally never completely fix it. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that I like yoga, and I am getting pretty good at it, and now that J comes with me it is something for us to do together.

The only shitty thing about yoga right now is the pregnant chick in my class. I didn’t realise she was pregnant until this past weeks class. Her stomach seemed really bloated, but when her shirt rode up it mostly just looked flabby so I kind of put it out of my mind. But then our instructor started giving her modifications so she wasn’t doing anything unsafe. So yeah, she’s definitely pregnant. I really wish she would beat it and just go to a prenatal class but to be fair, if/when I get pregnant, I would like to continue my regular class for as long as possible. She also really sucks at yoga. I’m just being a bitch because I’m jealous though. I will be trying to place my mat further from her next class though, so I don’t have to get a week by week play by play of her blossoming (doughy) belly. Again, I know I’m a jealous bitch.

We are also trying to eat healthier our quest for better living. We’ve always cooked a majority of our meals at home, but we snack on really bad things. J needs to watch his portions, as he eats so fast he doesn’t realize he’s full until he’s already had too much. We buy groceries every two weeks, and make a two week meal plan (dinners only) so that the dreaded “What’s for dinner?” is not uttered in our house. I tried to buy lots of fruit, veggies and healthy snacks this week.

All in all we are making a concerted effort, even though we are not actively TTC-ing at this point. Doesn’t hurt just for general life. Our biggest problem is staying the course; How do you keep up with your good habits, and battle temptation? I have no willpower, nor do I have any motivation so it’s really hard for me to keep it going. I get all inspired, and gung-ho about something and then it just falls by the way-side. Help! What are your tricks?

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