Treading Water

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Wise Deepak, hopefully that's the truth.

Wise Deepak, hopefully that’s the truth.

So here I am hanging out, not moving forward or backwards, just staying status quo. We haven’t heard back from the location that J interviewed for last week. I’m not sure whether to consider that a good thing, or not. Last time it proved not, but in my mind I rationalize that if they were going to turn him down they would have done it already…right? Yeah, we’ll see.

We are also inching closer to our appt with Dr. M and it is making me nervous. I mean I pretty much already have an idea of how it’s going to go down. He might suggest more IUI’s with injectables but I think that’s a waste of time and money, so we’ll move on to discussing IVF. I know there is a whole protocol of meeting the IVF coordinator, ect. but I don’t know much past that. I don’t even want to think about it right now because it’s going to be some heavy sh*t.

Plus, we have to decide how long we (as in J) are going to keep trying to apply for out of country jobs before we decide to give up stop. I’m sort of thinking once we get back from our vacation, at the beginning of May, we might need to make some decisions. I can’t go on forever in limbo like this, it is driving me absolutely batty.

I’ve recently started reading a book called Unsung Lullabies, and it’s like the authors are in my head (well, really they have been because all 3 have gone through IF). Here is the write up from Goodreads about the book;

For people experiencing infertility, wanting a baby is a craving unlike any other. The intensity of their longing is matched only by the complexity of the emotional maze they must navigate.

With insight and compassion, Drs. Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond-specialists in the field of Reproductive Psychology who have each experienced their own struggle with infertility-give couples the tools to:

*Reduce their sense of helplessness and isolation
*Identify their mates’ coping styles to erase unfair expectations
*Listen to their “unsung lullabies”–their conscious and unconscious dreams about having a family–to mourn the losses of infertility and move on.

Ground-breaking, wise, and compassionate, Unsung Lullabies is a necessary companion for anyone coping with infertility.

It sounds a little bit hokey, but I was hooked from the first chapter. It is pretty hard to read because it talks about the depression, helplessness, and general awfulness of the situation. But as I read along, I am nodding my head in agreement with what is being said. I’m only 3 chapters in and so far it hasn’t much talked about coping methods, as it is more unearthing the “side effects” of infertility, if you will. I was reading it on the iPad at the gym the other day, and it felt good to give it my all on the bike while reading such difficult subject matter. Helped me not to cry. Also, I have to say, I love ebooks. I can read something without other people know what it is.

From what I’ve read so far, I would highly recommend it, but I’ll let you know when I finish it. I’ve recently compiled a huge list of books to read while on vacation (probably more than I will actually need). I really need to get back into reading, it is a great distraction and there is so much I want to read. Plus I have so many books that I am interested in. I use to be an avid reader but I just have lost my drive, or desire to do anything but sit in front of the tv lately.

Overall, I am ready to have a plan to set in motion. I hate standing still when there are so many plans to be made. Come on universe, let’s get rolling!

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7 thoughts on “Treading Water

  1. Oof, I feel you on the last sentence there. Ever since I made my consult appointment I’ve felt really restless and it took me a little while to realize it was because I just want to get going again! Standing still sucks.

  2. I hate this waiting game!!! I wish y’all had heard about the job situation. And, lady, IVF is such a scary beast to take on! You will have to let me know if you continue to really like that book.

  3. So glad that you like the book. I liked it too. I actually passed it on to my parents to read. It has helped them understand some of things I can’t verbalize about what IF does to people.

    We had the “IVF talk” at our meeting this morning. I actually feel better than I thought I would. I thought there would be more of a process involved to get going, but it is mostly just more blood work and an ultrasound. You’ll have to tell me if you need to meet with some sort of coordinator. I asked about that and was told that there was nothing like that. Maybe some wires got crossed? The crappy thing is I learnt that Dr. M (the only one that does the egg extraction) is away for weeks in the middle of the summer so that will likely mess up our plans for starting IVF.

    Good luck at your appointment!

    • That’s a good thought to have family members read it to understand. I don’t think I would ever give it to my mom though, it would break her heart to know how truly hard it is, because I don’t think she can really comprehend right now and I sort of don’t want her to.

      I forgot your appt was today! So is there a waiting list or anything or you just decide when you want to go for it? I think some of the paperwork we got in the very beginning said something about meeting with the ivf coordinator but maybe that was old protocol or I misread it.

      I’m afraid Dr. M will tell us to do 3 more IUIs with injectables but I just feel like that’s not going to do anything when the problem is male factor. Though he’s very good about letting us make decisions. I’m happy he’s the one who does egg retrievals, so I get my own dr for that. He is super nice, I’m not sure if you’ve met him. I think your dr did my first IUI.

      Bah, now I just want the appt to see what’s up! Not much longer though…

      • My understanding is we just have to do certain tests (and make sure the clomid didn’t give me cysts) and then we can get started on IVF. I assumed there would be a waiting list, but doesn’t sound like it. Like I said, only hitch is when Dr. M is away then you have to wait until the next cycle.

        WRT injectables, at the beginning of our appointment I told our Dr that we wanted to go right to IVF and he didn’t say anything to try and convince us to do injectables. In the end, it is your choice, right?

        A couple things I am still thinking about are whether to do ICSI or not and whether to do the genetic screening. Both things are costly and I have heard that doing ICSI can increase the risk of birth defects. I’d be interested to hear what Dr. M says about that. Our Dr basically dismissed it as unlikely to happen.

        Good luck with your appointment. We should compare notes afterward. Since we are in the same city maybe we could even arrange a coffee date?

      • Hm, well it is nice to know that there is no waiting list, and scary at the same time because that means there isn’t really any reason not to go full steam ahead (once we decide what the hell we’re doing).
        I figure Dr. M will advise us what he thinks might be best, but you’re right ultimately it would be our choice. I am leaning towards ICSI just because we have MFI and I don’t want to cycle and then have none fertilize just because we didn’t do ICSI.
        I would be tempted by the genetic screening, but that I think I might leave alone. I hadn’t heard that ICSI could cause more problems…one more thing to think about!
        Yes, we should definitely meet up! I’m gonna email you so it’s not all out in the open comments here 🙂

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