All of Me

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I’ve heard bits and pieces of this song several times over the past couple of weeks but today I watched the video and listened to the song, and Oh. Em. Gee. I thought I could not love John Legend anymore, but I do. He is such a stud, and even more so because he loves his wife so much. This song makes my heart swell. I showed it to J and we watched it together. I know it’s super cheesy but it is just such a lovely song, and it made me feel so much love towards J and our life. Just amazing. Enjoy.

Ps. Also, I’m sad for the lack of response to my last post, I hope people actually read the article (I know the link wasn’t working for a bit, but I hope it is now). It started quite the discussion on my Facebook page, and I really loved it. I’m not just being an attention whore, I just liked the message.

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You Shouldn’t Need A Reason For Not Having Kids

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Apparently other people are better at articulating my thoughts than I am lately, but that’s ok. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, as she just recently got married and is already being hassled about having children. I don’t know if she doesn’t want to, can’t or just hasn’t decided yet, but I can feel her pain. She’s only been married for 3 months and it’s already getting to her. I reposted the link on my Facebook page and it’s gotten a lot of attention. I’ve not spoken out about myself falling into one of those categories, but a lot of people commented on it, in support of people who choose not to have kids. I’ve replied back with the comment that for some people, it’s not a choice. Some people may put two and two together and that’s ok. I’ve dipped my toe in the water, and so far it’s not so bad.

Here is the link, because it seems the reblog link is not working

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-berube/2014/02/you-shouldnt-need-a-reason-for-not-having-kids/

Thought Catalog

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I wore a maxi dress to work today. The frequency in which I wear dresses to work is about once per month. I am more of a jeans and blouse kind of girl. So on the spontaneous day that I wear a dress like I did today, people notice and sometimes talk about it in the same way they might if I showed up with a tattoo on my face. Most days I don’t mind this. Today was not one of those days.

It was mid-morning and I was chatting with a coworker about my decision to go to 7/11 last night for a glazed doughnut (or two) at 11:00 p.m. I ate the doughnuts right before bed (I had had a day, okay?) and this morning when I woke up the first thing I saw was my crumpled up 7/11 doughnut wrapper on my nightstand staring at me, shaming me…

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Ermahgerd!

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Ok, so apparently the universe took note of my whining and moaning…because J has a secondary interview with one of our top choices on Tuesday! He’s dealing with a third party recruiter, so this person doesn’t actually work for his company, she just does preliminary interviewing on behalf of many locations of his company. But she did his first interview just to touch base with him when he first put in his application, and she told him she would have to go to the location and find out if they were willing to sponsor him, if not there was obviously no point in continuing the process. So they said yes! Sooo exciting 😀

Here I am already getting ahead of myself, but I know realistically that he will have to get through this secondary interview with the recruiter, and then he would have to interview directly with the specific location, so there is still a lot to go. He will have to knock their socks off for them to choose to sponsor him, over taking an American citizen that is ready to go. Plus they would have to wait for his visa to be approved, and relocate us. It’s a big process and this is just the first yes in the whole scheme.

I would be so so stoked if this one happens. It is one of my dream locations. I’m going to leave it a mystery for now, for suspense, and just to keep a bit of anonymity still. If he gets it, I’ll tell you all where we’re going. So pumped that we at least still have a shot in hell. When he got the rejection from the other location earlier this week we thought that was it and we’ve both been so down about it, this came at a perfect time, if not to buoy us a little longer before it possibly comes crashing down again.

On a separate note, AF should be here tomorrow. I’m having some nasty cramping today, but other than that I haven’t really had any pre AF symptoms. I love being back on BCP. I don’t have to wonder if I’m pg, and my hormones are more under control, in that I don’t have crazy PMS. So today, life is good. Ask me again in a week and I may not say the same, but lets take it one day at a time. Little wins.

Loss of Control

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What do you do when all of your plans fail? Plan A was to get pregnant, and in 15 months we failed at that. Plan B, try IUI, and get pregnant. Again, 3 rounds of that fail. So Plan C, the one we never hoped to get to but had in our back pocket just in case; take a break from TTC to take control of our lives again and move to a new city, make a fresh start.

I am having my doubts that that is going to happen. We started off naive and optimistic (sounds kind of like when you first start TTC right…you think I would learn not to be so peppy) thinking it would just be a matter of J applying for a transfer, and then basically getting to pick where we wanted to go. We’re finding that is not the case. We had a few locations interested in J, but because it would require the company to apply for a work visa on his behalf (which takes time and money) he is basically bumped to the bottom of the list. Because unemployment is still quite high in the US they have no reason to hire foreigners. He got a rejection from the one location we thought had the most interest, and might be willing to take him on.

So I’m not sure where that leaves us. He still has a lot of applications floating out there (some outside of the US) that he’s not gotten responses for, but I feel like they’re all going to be the same answer. We can keep at it for a few months, but now it just feels like more time wasting, and waiting in limbo for something that might not happen (again, I see a strong correlation with TTC).

We just wanted to take back control of our lives, but it doesn’t feel like that is happening. It feels like nothing has changed. I will say I am less stressed because I am on birth control, so I don’t have to worry about the TTC side of things, and doing the whole “not trying, not preventing” but now I am worried, if we aren’t going to get this fresh start should we just be getting back on the TTC train? As much as I don’t really want to get back into that already, if we’re just standing still here, doing nothing, there’s no point in delaying the inevitable.

Besides J’s whole job situation being uncertain, there are other factors at play. I think I mentioned that I was contacted by a company who is hiring in my field because I submitted my resume to their website. I didn’t apply for a specific job, just input my resume into their database, as I am not really actively seeking new employment. Well I had a telephone interview with said company last week and she flat out offered me a job right then and there. It is still technically my same profession but is quite different in what I woud be doing. It is also a home based sort of call centre position. The hours are better than what I work now, it is an international company (which is awesome for the future) and I have a feeling the pay and benefits would be better.

The recruiter asked me when the soonest I would be able to start would be, and I told her since I wasn’t technically actively looking for a job, I wasn’t really in a position to up and leave my job at the moment. I have vacation plans booked for the end of April, and I am sort of contractually committed to my current job until at least mid May (I could get out of it but it would cost me a bit of money). They were looking for someone to start towards the end of March (so basically allowing for 2 weeks notice). Yeah, not quite ready for that.

She said she understood, and that they would keep my resume on file as they are hiring for a new contract they just received and it will require around 300 new hires. She expects they will be doing another hiring/training round in May and that I should contact them then if I am still interested. I would want to see the offer letter and benefits package before I make any decision, but I am heavily considering it.

There are aspects of it that I know I won’t like (but isn’t there with any job) but it could be a really good experience. I would get to work from home, which is a blessing and a curse. I’ve never had a position like that before, so it would be weird not to have any coworkers around. But it would save me commuting, which I hate, and then I can roll out of bed into our spare bedroom which would become my office (instead of a nursery), and be ready to go. I believe the benefits package would possibly be better than what I have now, and the pay should be as well. One thing I am really keen to consider is if their benefits include any infertility coverage. If it does, and the pay is the same or better, I would probably take it just so I could (hopefully) get pregnant and go on mat. leave.

I just had it in my head that we were going to get out of here, and now it’s looking like we’re not. J and I have both lived here since we were born, and we don’t plan on staying the rest of our lives. It’s not a small city by any stretch but it’s become stale to us. With the anticipation of something new it has made me less tolerant of things in my work and personal life because I was sort of in the mindset that I won’t have to put up with a lot of it much longer, and the reprieve was coming. Now I just feel stuck.

There is a whole other side to this predicament, that is J’s parents, but I think I’ll save that for another post, because it’s a whole big dilemma all on it’s own.

As of now, I feel that I have no control over much in my life and it is so hard. I don’t really know how to deal with it because there isn’t much I can do at this point.

Which Way Do I Turn?

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I am on day 4 of being laid up on the couch, sick with a disgusting cough and cold, and generally just feeling like a piece of junk. It gives me too much time to think, to ponder our circumstances. As of now all of the positive prospects are seeming to disappear. Once J spoke with the recruiters and they verified that he is a Canadian citizen, and is not legally allowed to work in the US (without first being sponsored for a work visa) they seemed less eager. He is amazing at his job and any of these locations would be lucky to have him, but because of the passport he holds, he is second choice to any American citizen. Which, ok, ok, I get that it’s not fair to bring in a “foreigner” to take a job from an American, but if he is the best one for the job then he should have it. I may be premature in my worrying, but I don’t think I am. One of the locations, the one that first showed interest, was initially very keen to talk to him, have him Skype with the team, ect. Once he spoke to their recruiter it seems as though their interest has cooled.

So I’m not really sure where that leaves us. It feels like Plan B to TTC is already falling apart and I haven’t even finished one non-TTC cycle. I suppose if we’re not going anywhere, there is no reason not to pursue IVF. We still have an appointment with our RE in April that we plan on going to, regardless of what happens. I guess it will be our IUI WTF appointment, and to get information for IVF. I know he could suggest injectable IUI cycles, but that just seems like a waste of time and money when the main problem is J’s sperm. I just don’t know if I am ready to jump into all of that just yet. I was excited for something new, a break, a reprieve, to take back control of our lives.

Also, I was searching job opportunities in some of the cities where J applied for transfer, just to see what might be available for me. One of the companies I stumbled upon is an international firm, with positions in my current city as well as one of our prospective cities. I submitted my information to their “database” just to have something in my back pocket. I didn’t specifically apply for anyone position, but their recruiter contacted me the following day and I’ve agreed to speak to her on Thursday. Uhhh, now what? I don’t want to lose out on a good opportunity (here, or elsewhere), it just makes things a lot more complicated.

If J isn’t going to get a transfer, then I want a position with this other company. It would mean no weekends, AND…working from home! Which sounds awesome, but also freaky. Another one of the reasons I am interested in making a move is that I am having concerns about my department at my current company. We (as in my department, spread over several offices) have been hemorrhaging money for some time and I fear they may close us down (it happened with our subsidiary in a different province). They are pulling out all the stops marketing wise, and they did a huge reorg about 6 months back. It feels like we are all walking on thin ice, and there are not a lot of other positions, or companies that are as good as the one I work for. Sure I have my complaints about my job, but I could do (and have done) a lot worse.

Lastly, it would mean a new benefits package. My current one does not cover anything IF related. J’s covers medications up to a max of $5000 per lifetime, for each of us. But considering that all of the drugs will be for me, J’s $5000 is essentially useless. Being that this other company is international they may have a better benefits package than I currently have (J’s company is international and he has way better benefits than me).

So, I guess it is still a waiting game. Once I speak to the recruiter I can try and make some decisions, and hopefully J will hear back from someone (ANYONE?!). Why does grown up life have to be so hard?


On a totally separate TV related rant discussion. Did anyone watch Glee tonight? (Yes, I am a sucker for musical anything). There was a TTC related story line, with some legit stats to start, but then it diverged into an ad for “Just relax and let it happen” and a sickening musical number. I almost hurled the remote at the TV, but that would take more energy that my sickly little body has right now. Aaaaand spoiler alert she gets pregnant! Fuck you Glee.

Also, I saw a commercial for that piece of shit they call a TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and apparently the “mom” (I use that term loosely, pretty sure she doesn’t actually do any mothering) thinks she might be pregnant. Well that’s just…. Yeah, I got nothing.