Random Thoughts

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I have a lot of little notes for future blog posts but some of them don’t warrant their own post or I don’t feel like elaborating on them right now so I am just going to throw a bunch of things out there, just to get them off my chest.

*I hate not being part of the mommy club. I have nothing to contribute to conversations about kids, and I don’t live the same lifestyle as most of my friends. I do enjoy the lack of responsibility sometimes, but I would gladly trade it in for a baby.

*On a secondary part of missing out on the mommy club, my best friend and I couldn’t have more different lives right now. She is a stay at home mom to her almost two year old son, and pregnant with another boy, due in June. Her days consists of taking care of her son and her husband, and working very part time as a nurses aide. I am finding it harder and harder to relate to her. I think even once I had a child (or children) we will still live different lives but at least we’d have a common bond of children.

*I feel like I am in a competition with “the fertiles”. Every time another person gets pregnant (naturally, not by IF treatments) it’s like I get another tick in the losing column. I know it’s a stupid way to think but it just irks me.

*I want to (someday) try and work on getting the word out about infertility, lobby the government for fertility coverage, educate the masses, ect. But right now, I want my privacy for my own treatment, so I am torn. I could speak out now and lose my privacy, or suffer in silence until I have some sort of resolution.

*Further to that, I feel like it might be somewhat futile to try and get the word out and garner support because people who haven’t been through it don’t understand. It is an invisible disease, sort of like depression and anxiety.

*I hate that this one problem in my life (infertility) crosses into all aspects of life. Trying to plan a vacation; what if I am pregnant/in the middle of treatment? In a wedding this summer; don’t get pregnant or you won’t fit the dress! Want to change jobs; don’t forget you might get pregnant and have to leave your new job anyways! Every decision I try to make, I always have to consider TTC and I’m sick of it, dammit!

*I hate license plates. This one is weird, I know, but where I live a license plate comprises of 3 letters followed by four numbers and they sort of cycle through different combinations of the alphabet. Right now an extremely common letter combination is either BFP or BFN.  It is sooo annoying to be driving behind that.

Sorry, there is not really any point to this. That’s all I’ve got on that one for now, but I could go on and on about it. I’ll keep you posted if I think of anything else.

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8 thoughts on “Random Thoughts

  1. Agreed–tired of friends ‘bragging’ on their kids and posting an album’s worth of pics on FB every day, I’m not sure when, but at some point it began to feel like they were taunting me. So I blocked them. And I just had a fertile friend announce to me yesterday and now I don’t want to go anywhere near her. We walked in a park and every baby was “such a cutie”. I miss being able to appreciate other people’s children and parenthood.
    I think you’re right: fertiles do not understand. I mean hell, even some of the infertiles start waving their pregnancy around like a trophy the moment they see two lines. “Infertility Amnesia”=you forgot how much that used to bother you? Or, you just don’t care because it’s not your problem anymore? Pffft. Ok, end rant. XO

    • I know it sucks to feel that way but at this point, sort of unavoidable. I solemnly swear to not have infertility amnesia. I don’t know how people do, this has changed me permanently.

  2. Me too! I am so utterly exhausted and want a break from the endless parade of mommies! I get it, I suck at baby making so cut me some slack. I would love to get involved with the military health care system and force some acknowledgement and support for IF, but I also don’t want everyone to know exactly everything that is going on for us. I want the support but not the sympathy. I wish I had a thicker skin. Also, those license plates, seriously not a funny joke dear universe.

    • Yeah at this point I’m not strong enough to deal with the ignorance and lack of education about infertility. Plus, people don’t generally care to invest time in learning about something that doesn’t affect them.

  3. I feel you about making future plans. I’ve decided this summer I’m not putting anything on hold. I did that all last year. We still need to live our lives as we truly don’t know how long this journey will take.

    • I’m a total planner and I like to have a five year plan, even if it evolves over the years, I like to have a general idea of where I’m headed. So for now I do what I want in the short term and try and ignore the long term (a difficult task for me)

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