Loss of Control


What do you do when all of your plans fail? Plan A was to get pregnant, and in 15 months we failed at that. Plan B, try IUI, and get pregnant. Again, 3 rounds of that fail. So Plan C, the one we never hoped to get to but had in our back pocket just in case; take a break from TTC to take control of our lives again and move to a new city, make a fresh start.

I am having my doubts that that is going to happen. We started off naive and optimistic (sounds kind of like when you first start TTC right…you think I would learn not to be so peppy) thinking it would just be a matter of J applying for a transfer, and then basically getting to pick where we wanted to go. We’re finding that is not the case. We had a few locations interested in J, but because it would require the company to apply for a work visa on his behalf (which takes time and money) he is basically bumped to the bottom of the list. Because unemployment is still quite high in the US they have no reason to hire foreigners. He got a rejection from the one location we thought had the most interest, and might be willing to take him on.

So I’m not sure where that leaves us. He still has a lot of applications floating out there (some outside of the US) that he’s not gotten responses for, but I feel like they’re all going to be the same answer. We can keep at it for a few months, but now it just feels like more time wasting, and waiting in limbo for something that might not happen (again, I see a strong correlation with TTC).

We just wanted to take back control of our lives, but it doesn’t feel like that is happening. It feels like nothing has changed. I will say I am less stressed because I am on birth control, so I don’t have to worry about the TTC side of things, and doing the whole “not trying, not preventing” but now I am worried, if we aren’t going to get this fresh start should we just be getting back on the TTC train? As much as I don’t really want to get back into that already, if we’re just standing still here, doing nothing, there’s no point in delaying the inevitable.

Besides J’s whole job situation being uncertain, there are other factors at play. I think I mentioned that I was contacted by a company who is hiring in my field because I submitted my resume to their website. I didn’t apply for a specific job, just input my resume into their database, as I am not really actively seeking new employment. Well I had a telephone interview with said company last week and she flat out offered me a job right then and there. It is still technically my same profession but is quite different in what I woud be doing. It is also a home based sort of call centre position. The hours are better than what I work now, it is an international company (which is awesome for the future) and I have a feeling the pay and benefits would be better.

The recruiter asked me when the soonest I would be able to start would be, and I told her since I wasn’t technically actively looking for a job, I wasn’t really in a position to up and leave my job at the moment. I have vacation plans booked for the end of April, and I am sort of contractually committed to my current job until at least mid May (I could get out of it but it would cost me a bit of money). They were looking for someone to start towards the end of March (so basically allowing for 2 weeks notice). Yeah, not quite ready for that.

She said she understood, and that they would keep my resume on file as they are hiring for a new contract they just received and it will require around 300 new hires. She expects they will be doing another hiring/training round in May and that I should contact them then if I am still interested. I would want to see the offer letter and benefits package before I make any decision, but I am heavily considering it.

There are aspects of it that I know I won’t like (but isn’t there with any job) but it could be a really good experience. I would get to work from home, which is a blessing and a curse. I’ve never had a position like that before, so it would be weird not to have any coworkers around. But it would save me commuting, which I hate, and then I can roll out of bed into our spare bedroom which would become my office (instead of a nursery), and be ready to go. I believe the benefits package would possibly be better than what I have now, and the pay should be as well. One thing I am really keen to consider is if their benefits include any infertility coverage. If it does, and the pay is the same or better, I would probably take it just so I could (hopefully) get pregnant and go on mat. leave.

I just had it in my head that we were going to get out of here, and now it’s looking like we’re not. J and I have both lived here since we were born, and we don’t plan on staying the rest of our lives. It’s not a small city by any stretch but it’s become stale to us. With the anticipation of something new it has made me less tolerant of things in my work and personal life because I was sort of in the mindset that I won’t have to put up with a lot of it much longer, and the reprieve was coming. Now I just feel stuck.

There is a whole other side to this predicament, that is J’s parents, but I think I’ll save that for another post, because it’s a whole big dilemma all on it’s own.

As of now, I feel that I have no control over much in my life and it is so hard. I don’t really know how to deal with it because there isn’t much I can do at this point.


7 thoughts on “Loss of Control

  1. I have an option to work remotely or go into the office. I enjoy both depending on the day. Either way, I know things will work out for you… Just maybe not when you planned on them working. Oh yes, the wonderful mystery of how life works! If I could look into a magic ball and predict the future for you, I would.

    • Yeah, I’m not a fan of this whole “on the universes timeline”. I would like to control my own timeline, thank-you-very-much ha ha. I’m still mulling over the work from home job, but I have some time before I would consider applying again/getting back in touch with the company. Plus I can’t make a decision without first seeing the offer letter with benefits, pay, ect.

  2. Well, it would be cool to work from home (coffee in your pj’s instead of in the car!) But yeah the visa’s are a pain–my DH was delayed a month (lost a month of wage$) because his company was having issues getting his visa to work on a project in Canada. Hoping things fall into place for you soon! XO

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