Standing at the Edge of a Precipice

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Well, I have to say wow! My readership stats skyrocketed with my last post that contained the most curse words ever in one of my posts. It also received a lot of comments. My readers are naughty monkeys! And apparently also fed up with other peoples pregnancies. Thanks ladies, for not only putting up with my rant, but supporting it. Sometimes it is all just too much. But such is life, everything is all topsy turvey right now but it is the opposite of the regimented TTC schedule we were on. The opportunities are practically endless!

J already has two prelim interviews set up for transfer opportunities! He has one for Monday and another should hopefully be sometime next week, or if not early the following week. One on the East coast of the US, and one on the West. I’m really rooting for the West coast one. I want to be a California girl (do you have Katy Perry stuck in your head now??). But in any case, it is promising. He has gotten two no’s so far, one of the opportunities had found someone else already and the other didn’t have it in the budget to sponsor a non US citizen. We still have yet to hear from 5 other locations, so there are lots of other players.

The one issue that we hadn’t considered was the sponsorship. We knew they would have to sponsor us for visas, but they do it all the time for workers from all over the world, so we thought it would sort of be a non issue. But I guess the fact is, American citizens would probably take priority over us, so we’re just hoping they see the value in paying for J to come work for them.

Pressure is on now and J is feeling it. He has been contacted by 4 opportunities so far, and we’re batting at 50%, but since he’s applied for 9 in total, that’s not bad. We don’t want all of them to say yes, though it would be good if our top choices come through. So far of the two that have expressed interest one is in th top 3, and the other is in the bottom (not quite last though). But, I still wouldn’t say no to any of the places he’s applied. Only time will tell now. If we get one to say yes to sponsorship that could still take 1 – 3 months so we still have time to get things sorted out. We still haven’t told the parents yet, but we’re thinking we’re going to have to very soon since shit just got real this week.

Last night J seemed really stressed because he feels like they’re all coming in at once and he’s trying to coordinate interviews, plus his dad is in the hospital for a minor surgery, and we’ve just got a lot going on. Apparently he had a chat with two of his bosses and gave them the rundown (including IF). His higher up boss, who is a big mentor for J, told him he supports him, but for us to consider what we are giving up by leaving; comfortable home, stable jobs, family and friends. He also said not to run away from our problems, because it will follow us no matter where we go. I was a little taken aback by that comment, but he doesn’t know the whole story and I could see how it appears that is what we are doing.

I asked J if he felt like we were running away, and agreed that we’re not. I asked him if he was still ok with the decision we’ve made to leave; does leaving rank higher with him than staying and continuing IF treatment? His answer surprised me. He said it flip flops daily, but sometimes he just thinks we should “just go to the hospital and do IVF”. Literally, what he said. I got a little defensive and snapped it’s not just that easy, which he quickly answered back that he realises that. I then chose to ignore his comment. It’s the first time in this journey that we’re not totally in sync. He is still wishy washy, whereas I am already moving forwrd in my mind, and putting TTC on pause. Plus we’re already started down this road to leave and I think it will be awesome for us.

He just recently has really been affected by our struggle. With the failed IUI’s it has been really hard on him. And prior to that, the failed natural cycles have disappointed him too, but I feel like he’s way behind me in the stress/grief/struggle and he has a lot more energy to expend on it, especially as each cycle is not as taxing on him as it is on me. So, although it may be unfair, I have trump card.

I’m impatient now to hear back for these different opportunities. Even though the sponsorship may take a bit of time, just knowing that the ball is rolling in a particular direction will be nice. And somehow I am waiting on a schedule other than my own again…

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2 thoughts on “Standing at the Edge of a Precipice

  1. Mallory

    I can totally understand his flip flopping (in spite of his “just” do IVF comment lol). Sometimes I just can’t comprehend how difficult this decision is. It’s literally the hardest hugest choice I’ve ever had to make. And I wish we could “just” do anything, but there is no just.

    I don’t know you guys so this is totally conjecture, but I would guess that moving has a lot to do with control. We give up so much control in IF and I think you’re not so much running away as you are taking control and making a choice that you actually have a say in. And I think that it’s important to control what we can when so much is left up to chance. Do what makes you happy!

    • You my friend, are very astute. I didn’t even really see it myself, but you are so correct that we are doing with our lives something that we can control.

      I guess I was annoyed at his comment as we both agreed this break/relocation was best and we wanted it and now he’s being wishy washy. And at this point it’s not like we are making a choice in doing or not doing IVF. We will most likely do IVF because we’re good candidates and I don’t want to not try and have my own genetic child (given that we can afford that choice). Plus, we are extremely lucky in that *if* it doesn’t work we would likely pursue adoption. So we are fortunate to not have to choose this or that, we just have to agree on what and when.

      But I digress, thank you for your support and I hope that you can make peace with the best decision for you both as well!

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