No Wasted Tears

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I have to admit I am not a terribly emotional person, which unfortunately sometimes gives off the vibe that I am cold or uncaring. I get a little choked up, now and again, usually at something stupid that catches me off guard. Like a tv commercial. I sometimes cry when I get really frustrated with something, but I try really hard not to cry in front of other people. I don’t like it, it makes me uncomfortable, and it makes them uncomfortable.

I know a lot of people have shed a lot of tears over infertility, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried over our situation. I’m not necessarily proud of this fact, like I have some sort of heart of stone, it’s just an observation I’ve made. Although infertility has probably been one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever dealt with, it’s a slow, long burn, it doesn’t generally come all at once and make me burst into tears. I don’t purposely stuff down my feelings, and I don’t necessarily think that’s what I’ve been doing but when tears bubble up at very random times I wonder where they came from.

I’ve never cried when my period arrived or when I get yet another BFN. I’ve seen that single line so many times, I’m not sure I even believe in the second line, perhaps it’s just some mythical unicorn. I just throw it in the trash and walk away. I didn’t cry when Dr. M told us we would have to do IUI (until J started crying). I didn’t cry at our first failed IUI, or our second. I do feel sad about the whole situation but I think I am more mad than anything. It just seems so unfair, J and I have had other struggles in our life together, can’t one thing just go our way for once.

I can be a bit of a pessimist, which in this instance may be a way of protecting my heart. I will admit I have let my hopes float up too high a time or two only to be disappointed but it’s always a cautious hope. I’m never certain of the outcome each month, so it keeps that ember of doubt glowing in the back of my mind. So I am usually pretty quick at picking myself up, and moving on.

But every so often, some little thing will set me off. Whether it be something sad on TV, or something my dear J says that maybe hurts my feelings or makes me mad. And I just break. I lose all composure and I sob until I feel as though my chest is going to burst. It’s as if all those little things snowball together, the slow burn rises up to an out of control fire and it all becomes too much. A cleansing cry does sometimes help me get it all out, and off my chest. But does it solve my problems? No.

To me, infertility is like a bad ex boyfriend, doesn’t deserve my tears. That may not be the most logical line of thinking, but I have lost control over so many things in my life because of it, the least I can do is try to control my emotions. But this cycle, no matter the outcome, I feel as though the tears will flow. It’s the end of an era.

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9 thoughts on “No Wasted Tears

  1. I feel the same. Sure there are times I tear up a little and there is no doubt if the hubs is crying, I’m headed that direction too. I didn’t even cry the first time I saw the movie “The Notebook”. Boy was I the black sheep there. It’s really just a self defence kind of thing. and it’s allowed… I have only really sobbed once since my diagnosis but it was a good cry. The kind that made me curl up and take a nap afterwards. You have a great point! This health issue does NOT deserve your tears!

    • Oh I’m like that too, with things normal people cry about, like the notebook. Not a tear. Or titanic. But Moulin Rouge, everytime, even though I know what’s going to happen. My tears are usually weird and unexpected.

      • It is weird! The tears happen at the times when I least expect it. When it doesn’t even make sense. The plus side? I seem to have “an eyelash in my eye” at convenient times because no one expects it to be tears. I don’t like people to see me cry. LOL!

  2. Know what I do? Not cry and then do my best to diminish the importance of our struggle. I laugh it off, make jokes, and avoid how much I desperately hope it might all work out. I always immediately state the worse case scenario and then shrug it off. And keep on burying my emotions and fear. I don’t think I even have had a real out cry since the IUIs started. Just keep on burying it all. End of an era for sure…I think that warrants a good cry.

    • Whereas with me, no one knows what’s going on so they would think it odd if I just started crying for no reason. I almost had a moment at work the other day though. I need to move on from this so bad!

  3. It’s like you’re in my head! I am the same way. Especially about not trusting that there is a second line, I don’t know if I’d believe it if I ever see it. I used to be really emotional on BC, but since I started TTC and went off of it, I feel like a brick wall. Every now and then I’ll get misty eyes over random things (especially dogs going crazy when they see their soldiers coming home- that one gets me every time), but for the most part I don’t get the urge to cry when I feel sad, especially when it comes to not getting pregnant. I try to reason that I’m just being practical and setting realistic expectations for myself, but I have a feeling there is a meltdown just waiting to happen. I hope that if this cycle doesn’t cause them, but if it does bring you tears, that they help release some stress for you.

    • I actually had this post in my drafts folder for a long time because I thought I was maybe coming off as cold, or uncaring or thinking better than others because I can keep my shit together (or at least the tears off my face, but in my mind I am bat shit crazy!), which is not true at all but I’m glad I’m not the only one.

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