The Next Generation

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So far between my cousins and I, there is only one child (there will be two more when my cousins wife has their twins). Being that I’m an only child my mom has no grandchildren, and I know she desperately wants one (or several, but let’s be reasonable at this point).

My mom and I went out for coffee on Wednesday and we I pretty much skirt the issue of TTC nowadays. She did mention, however, that my grandma asked her when we might be having kids. I just said, “oh, did she?” and didn’t get any further into it. Didn’t ask how she responded, or give her any sort of answers. I know that might be a bit of a dick move but at this moment in time I am not ready to have that discussion. Especially not in the middle of a busy Starbucks, in case I dissolved into tears at having to explain the situation we’re facing. Plus if this IUI does work I still don’t want to tell anyone until around 10 or 12 weeks.

But what really got me thinking is the fact that my grandma was asking about my future children. My grandma has early stages of dementia and is having a hard time remembering things, and she repeats herself a lot. It’s gotten a fair bit worse over the past year or so and it is so hard. I’ve only ever met my paternal grandma once, so my maternal grandma is the one whose been around all my life. She treats me more special than my cousins, and I have a pretty close relationship with her.

So it is sad to think that if this cycle doesn’t work, by the time we do have a baby she may not be all there to remember me, or realize it’s my baby. And that is really hard to consider. Sooo, what I’m saying, as usual, is that I really hope this works.

In other news, J is really stressed out. He told me the result of the IUI is pretty much all he thinks about lately (ditto). In previous cycles he’s not really said to much about how he’s feeling about it. He pretty much just waits until I tell him it’s negative and we go again. Not so this time, everything feels so different, yes still the same this time. I’m getting antsy. And starting to feel a bit of the usual barely there PMS cramping. Not feeling so hopeful…

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8 thoughts on “The Next Generation

  1. I hope this IUI works for you guys too! I know it must be hard to think about your grandma not remembering you and/or ever meeting your baby but just try and enjoy the time you still have left with her. Sorry you are both so stressed out, I completely here ya there! When will you start testing?

  2. You know, I also have thought of that. I have thought about the 1 grandparent we have still living and if our children will ever meet her. I think about how we waited so long to pursue treatment and missed out on any babies meeting those who have passed on. Just enjoy her as much as you can now, because even if things don’t go as planned your memories will bring life back to those people we all have lost. And know some of the best parts of her are also living in you. I am so very praying this cycle will be the one for you and your family, doll.

    • Yeah, it feels unfair because I am still quite young. One of my uncles passed the year J and I started dating and my uncle was a surrogate father to me so I took that really hard, and it breaks my heart he’ll never get to meet my children, but I am so thankful J at least got to meet him.

  3. My grandma was just put in a home last week for extreme dementia. I chose not to see her the last time I went home because I wanted my memories of her to be positive (for now at least) I get you. It hurts to know they won’t be a part of your future children’s lives.

      • The last time I saw her she knew exactly who me and my husband were. Gave us big kisses, etc. My cousins wife went for a visit a few weeks back and she didn’t know her or her kids. I’d rather keep my last memory as the grandma I knew and loved. Hopefully yours doesn’t get to that point.

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